Creative Writing A new Story

Discussion in 'Written Arts' started by Athena, Jan 2, 2007.

  1. Athena

    Athena Wisdom comes with Sadness

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    My husband and i are working on a story. I would like to share what i'm doing so far with all of you. Would anyone be interested in reading and commenting on a story having to do with Werewolves and Vampires and a mortal woman that's related to a werewolf. It has an abomination in it as well and will be having a war between the two but it'll be dealing with a specific race of werewolf and a specific clan of Vampire and how they end up being bonded together by a single woman. So would anyone be interested in reading/commenting/and critiquing it?
     
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  2. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Post away. Sounds interesting.
     
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  3. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    Hey, if it sparks your interests & creativity and gets you primed for writing by all means. I'd love to lend an ear... or an eye... or, you know.

    ~W
     
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  4. Athena

    Athena Wisdom comes with Sadness

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    Chapter One
    “What’s happened? Serenity what happened? Did I do this? Why are my clothes so tattered? I don’t remember what happened! Tell me what happened!” A young woman with straight red hair, that fell about her shoulders, frantically said as she gazed about the room.
    A young woman stood calmly, living up to her name, in the middle of the wreckage that may have been the living room. She moved calmly towards the other young woman and brought her into her arms stroking her hair gently.
    “It’s okay Selenity. I’m not sure what happened but you got so angry and then you changed. Then your clothes, well, they went to shreds. You went into such a rage it was horrible. I was so afraid for you but not of you. I’m not sure why, perhaps it’s because you are my sister, no, not just my sister but... my twin.” Serenity said, holding her sister close as her curly black hair fell across her sister, covering her.
    Serenity held Selenity until the tears had stopped flowing from her twin’s emerald green eyes. Those emerald green eyes met Serenity’s sapphire’s blue eyes and Selenity whispered, “What will we tell Mom and Dad?”
    Serenity looked thoughtful for a moment then said, “Go and change your clothes. I’ll think of something.”
    Selenity nodded her head and headed upstairs to change her clothes, while Serenity headed into the kitchen and gazed through the open window in heavy thought. She had no clue on what she would be telling her parents, what could she say really? Would they even believe them if she were to tell them the truth? That Selenity had changed into something, some creature, they had never really seen before and completely wrecked the living room. What would their parents say to that?
    Serenity sighed, she wasn’t sure what she would tell them. She heard Selenity come pounding down the stairs, her sister couldn’t help but be loud; they were such opposites. Selenity looked just like her father while Serenity looked exactly like her mother although as far as personalities went they took after the opposite parent then what they looked like. Serenity smiled helplessly at Selenity, she wasn’t really sure what to say at this point.
    The front door opened and they heard the jangle of keys. The two girls looked at each other, their parents had returned from shopping. Selenity froze and Serenity moved to stand beside her as their parents took in the site before them. Her father looked at the two, relieved to find that they both seemed unharmed and in one piece. Their mother, on the other hand, was white and shaking.
    “Which one of you is it? Which one of you turns into the monster? Which one of you becomes like my father?” Their mother said in a voice full of anger and fury.
    Selenity broke into tears and managed to gulp, “I am.”
    Their mother went to lunge at her but Serenity stepped in the way stopping her as their father pulled her back and said, “What’s this about Amy?”
    “Selenity is like my father! She turns into a monster! I won’t have one in my home!” Their mother shouted, “I want her out!”
    “She’s our daughter.” Their father said, holding onto their mother as Serenity held Selenity.
    “I don’t care! She’s a monster now! She’s not my daughter!” Their mother shouted.
    “Momma stop it!” Serenity said, stroking Selenity’s hair, “How can you say those things when she looks just like you! I thought you said that no matter what you’d always love us because that’s what a Mom does.”
    Their mother gazed at her for a moment then collapsed into tears saying, “I can’t, I can’t go back to that life.”
    “Then if Selenity is to leave I go with her.” Serenity said.
    Their mother gazed at them steadily and said, “I can’t lose you to, Serenity.”
    “You’re not losing either of us Momma. Until you come to terms with this we’ll go somewhere else. I know you love both of us very much Momma.” Serenity said, still holding Selenity.
    Their mother nodded and rushed past them into the master bedroom. Their father gathered both of the girls into his arms and said, “I don’t know what’s going on but I will find out. Until then, my darling girls, you two can stay in the cabin.”
    Serenity nodded and whispered, to her sister, “Let’s go get packed. Momma will come around, we’ll get through this.”
    The two girls turned and trudged up the steps. They went into their adjoining rooms and began packing. Serenity packed two suitcases and grabbed her purse as well. She brought her suitcases out to her car; she had saved and traded in her old car to get herself a ‘98 Jeep Wrangler Sport in midnight blue with a black soft cover top. She returned to the house and headed into the study and retrieved the little file basket with her passport, bank information, social security, birth certificates, job resume, and other important certificates inside it and brought that out to the car as well. She ran back upstairs and grabbed her laptop and the machine that was her printer/copier/scanner all in one.
    Once she had everything settled and organized she headed back into the house to retrieve her work schedule. She folded the piece of paper and placed it in her purse for now, then headed to her father’s study and said, “I’m sure I’ll be making trips back if this turns into a long term thing but I love you Daddy. I’ll be back for some of my books.”
    Her father hugged her gently against him and said, “Let’s just give your mother some time to herself. I’m sure she’ll get over this or at least come to an understanding.”
    Serenity nodded her head and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll look after Selenity.”
    “I know you will darling. I’ll take care of the utility bills for the cabin. Hopefully you two won’t be there for long.” Her father said.
    Serenity nodded and her father accompanied her upstairs. Selenity had finished packing some of her stuff into four suitcases and was going through her papers when they entered the room. She attempted a smile and said, “I saw you grab your file basket that had all of your important papers in it and thought I’d gather mine. I found everything except my passport but that’s okay right? I’m not planning on going out of the country.”
    Serenity couldn’t help but laugh lightly and said, “Here let me help you carry your stuff out to your car.”
    Selenity handed the papers over and the smallest suitcase to Serenity and their father grabbed hold of the biggest one leaving Selenity with a medium sized one and another smaller one. They managed to pack all of it into the truck of Selenity’s small sports car. She had also saved up for this car.
    “You two got your cell phones and their chargers?” Her father asked.
    Serenity nodded and said, “I’ve got my phone in the purse and the charger’s in my laptop case with my computer charger and the U.S.B. cable for the printer.”
    Selenity indicated her closed trunk and said, “The charger is in there Dad.”
    Their father nodded and hugged them both once more. He was about to say something when their mother came rushing out. She hugged Serenity tightly and gently hugged Selenity and said, more to Selenity then Serenity, “I don’t think I can deal with you in my home but... if it makes sense, I love you still.”
    She pulled out a diamond necklace, that had been their Grandmother’s, and placed it around Selenity’s neck and said, “Stay safe, I’m sure you’ll be found soon.”
    She turned to Serenity and placed a strand of pearls, that had been their Great-Grandmother’s, around her neck and said, “Take care of your sister, but take care of yourself to. You two are going into a dangerous world.”
    With that said their mother half-fled into the house, she didn’t look back. Yet, she did come to the window and watch them leave from it. With another hug and kiss from their father the two girls got into their cars and headed towards the cabin. The cabin wasn’t to far, only about an hour and a half drive away, it was fairly close to the city as well.
     
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  5. Athena

    Athena Wisdom comes with Sadness

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    Chapter One Continued
    Serenity couldn’t help but ponder all that had happen. What had their mother meant by saying that they were going into a dangerous world? Did their Mother know something about Selenity’s changing? What was going on? What kind of danger awaited them? She sighed, there were so many questions and it didn’t seem as if they would be getting any of their answers anytime soon. She nearly jumped when her sister’s ringtone bursted out of the silence.
    “I wasn’t expecting a call.” Serenity said with a laugh, “I nearly jumped.”
    “Sorry ‘bout that.” Selenity said, she sounded sad, “How could Mom do this?”
    “I don’t know, but something definitely scared her.” Serenity answered.
    “Yea, me.”
    “She also said she still loved you and that Grandpa was like you. Hey maybe Grandpa’s buddy... Michelle something... you know the one Mom’s been unreasonably afraid of, maybe she knows something about it?”
    “I don’t have her number Serenity.”
    “I do. Hang on I’ll do a three-way call with her.”
    Serenity scrolled through some options until she found the one she was looking for then found Michelle’s number in her address book. Her Grandfather had given her the number and had said it was just in case something happened and they needed guidance. She selected it then put the phone back to her ear as it began to ring.
    “It’s ringing.” Selenity said.
    Serenity smiled and said, “I know.”
    Selenity was about to say something when Michelle picked up, “Hello.”
    “Hi Miss Michelle. It’s Serenity and Selenity Clearwater. We’re Alan O’Conner’s granddaughters.” Serenity said.
    “Well hello, what can I do to help my Mentor’s granddaughters?” Michelle asked.
    “Serenity will you explain?” Selenity said, clearly on the verge of crying.
    “I can do that.” Serenity said, her heart breaking for her sister, “You see Miss Michelle something happened and now we’re on our way to the cabin after our Mom said that she wouldn’t have someone like our Grandfather living in her home and said that we were to be careful because we were heading into a dangerous world. Do you know what she meant by that?”
    “What exactly happened?” Michelle asked.
    Serenity bit her lip and said, “I’m not really sure how to explain it... you’ll probably think that we’re crazy...”
    “I turned into a monster!” Selenity said, her tears falling now.
    “You’re not a monster.” Serenity said, as she turned onto the cabin’s street, “Yes it was scary to see but you aren’t a monster you’re my sister.”
    “Where are you two at?” Michelle asked.
    “We’re pulling into the driveway of our cabin up at Silver Tears Lake.” Serenity said.
    “It’s the same one that your Grandfather left you in his will right?” Michelle asked.
    “Yes.” Serenity answered, then asked, “Why?”
    “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. I’ll be bringing a couple of people with me. I know what’s going on, I’m like your Grandfather.” Michelle said, “You’re in a safe place. You’re actually right outside the Den.”
    Before either of the twins could ask another question Michelle hung up. Serenity placed her phone in her pocket as she turned off her car. She wasn’t sure as to what had just happened but it looked like Miss Michelle had answers for them. Serenity placed her keys in her purse and climbed out of her car, closing the door after her; before she walked over to her sister’s parked car. She smiled down at her sister and said, “Looks like Miss Michelle will have some answers for us.”
    Selenity nodded and got out of her car and went to her trunk and grabbed a suitcase. Serenity turned and went up to the front door and unlocked it and pushed it open. She had been down here a few days ago so there wasn’t really any dust. She found the door stopper and propped the door open before turning and heading back to her car. It took the girls all of five minutes to bring their things to their rooms.
    “Ten minutes until Michelle gets here do you want to go to the lake?” Selenity asked, “That place has always been able to calm me down.”
    Serenity smiled and said, “Sure. I’ll just grab a light jacket.”
    Selenity nodded, she already had hers on, and said, “I’ll wait for you at the door.”
    Serenity nodded and pulled out a pale blue windbreaker from one of her suitcases. She would unpack later, after they’d talked with Miss Michelle. Serenity walked down the hall to the front door where her sister was waiting. They stepped outside and Serenity locked the door behind them. They walked, in silence, down to the lake. They were the only one’s on this side of the lake. Her Grandfather had bought this entire side of the lake was this Caern on his land to? Was that why he bought this land?
    Serenity stared at the waters, you couldn’t even see the opposite shoreline from here and the forested hills on either side kept, this side at least, semi-secluded. The more she thought about where they were at she realized that this land had actually been left to her and her sister, not their mother. It was theirs actually, their parents were helping them with the taxes until they graduated from college.
    “How can you be so calm and level headed?” Selenity asked her.
    “Because I take after Dad in that department. I only look like Mom.” Serenity answered.
    Selenity plopped down on the sandy shore in response and Serenity followed suit, waiting for Selenity to continue.
    “I don’t like this not knowing.” Selenity said, “I’m afraid.”
    Serenity hugged her sister and was about to say something when something grabbed her by the back of her jacket and pulled her to her feet. Selenity jumped up and with her emerald green eyes flashing she said, “Let go of my sister!”
    Serenity saw what looked like three wolves running towards them and said, “Selenity there are three wolves coming from behind!”
    For a moment the two girls were scared but when two of the wolves ran past Selenity and one of them stood protectively in front of her she realized that they were here to help. The thing that held her batted them back witha furry arm as if they were nothing. Serenity’s mind didn’t have time to process that this thing was furry as she reacted on instinct. She threw her head back as she kicked back. Hitting this guy in the crotch and catching the side of his muzzle with her head.
    She fell forward her sister pulling her to her side as the wolf in front of them growled and they understood her to say, “We will kill you and deliver a blow to that leech king of yours.”
    Serenity gazed at it, it looked similar to Selenity when she had changed except different somehow. Then in hit her that she had just understood a wolf’s growling and it sounded familiar for some reason. She watched as all three wolves lunged at it yet they were changing at the same time. All three of them connected a hit with it and now they all looked wolfish but in a human frame structure. What was going on?
    “You can change. Help us.” A male growled at Selenity.
    Selenity nodded and tried to focus and she changed to. She looked to Serenity and said, “I’ll protect you Sis. I won’t have you hurt because of me.”
    At her change the thing they’d been fighting threw a capsule of sorts down and fog clouded their vision and when it cleared the thing was gone. Serenity gazed at them all as each of them changed again, this time down to human and she recognized Miss Michelle.
     
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  6. Athena

    Athena Wisdom comes with Sadness

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    The fight scene will be edited once my husband emails the changes to me. I'm not all that good at describing fight scenes. So yea that's it for now.
     
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  7. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    It is a interesting story. Twins how fun. :D

    The good: The story is interesting. Didn't think that one of the twins were a werewolf. Different and good.

    The Bad: A few grammar errs. But you have gotten much better. Your husband may have fixed them already. :D

    The Ugly: It feels rushed. The house is destroyed but how much? Describe it. Where is the turmoil the girl feels from having her mother make her leave? Also, the girls took seperate cars so how would Serenity hear Selenity phone ring?
     

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  8. Athena

    Athena Wisdom comes with Sadness

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    okay, i just got my husband's edits and will be correcting the story. The first chapter's edits will be up tomorrow along with the second chapter.

    basher: The part about Selenity's ringtone- Serenity heard the ringtone she had selected for her sister from her phone... i hadn't realized that wasn't clear so i will fix that. Thank you for letting me know it still felt rushed. I orignally had that in about four pages so thank you very much for letting me know that it still felt like that. I will be fixing that as well. Thank you for your comments.
     
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