Creative Writing Basher Short Stories

Discussion in 'Written Arts' started by Basher, Nov 4, 2005.

  1. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    I have written a few short stories. Please critque if you can. Tell me which one you liked better too. Thank you.

    ONLY WARNING YOU WILL GET. Some of these stories are not for all readers. I will adhere to BJP rules as much as possible. There will diffentily be nothing sexual or to graphic. You however will still be warned.

    Death Bed (Short Story)

    A once young beauty lay barren, her priest and doctor by her side. She lay upon her death bed. Her curly hair that once matched the golden sunrise now lay dull and matted against her brow and silk bedding. Her eyes were no longer blue sapphires. They were cloudy and lifeless. The illness toke away her silky, cream skin. It appeared tinged yellow and grey. Her death drew nearer.

    “Father?” She spoke no longer like birds in song.

    “Yes, Child. I am here.” He spoke calmly to the girl. Taking her hand he clasped it in his own. Her hand was cold and clammy. It was void of the warmth of which it once held.

    “I am angry Father,” she said slowly trying to make out each word. Tears started to fall down her cheeks.

    “Do not be angry at God, Child,” the understanding Priest told her. “For it is your time, he needs you.”

    “No, Father. I am mad at myself,” she struggled with every word.

    “Child, you can not blame yourself for this. It was meant to be.”

    “No, Father.” Her hand became still in his hand. She closed her eye lids. Death would come next. She swallowed her pain and whispered her final words. “I am angry for I had yet to live.”

    Final Farewell (Short Story)

    He held her in a tight embrace. Taking a step back he kissed her on the forehead. “I have to go now.” She said goodbye. He smiled at her and said, “It isn’t goodbye. It is I will see you later.” She nodded at his words. He turned around after another quick embrace. His long strides carried him across the street. A bad omen covered her heart. She called to him saying that she loved him. He answered back. He took out his car keys and pushed it into his car door. A bomb went off. A piece of him fell at her feet.
     
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  2. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    The Wert Critiques:

    Death Bed- Facinating little thing this is. I like it better than the second. The pacing is more drawn out and you can almost get a sense that the young woman is really struggling to speak. Grammar and punctuation is fine. Like most of your work it's not until the last line that you deliver the final punch- the real clincher for the tale. I really enjoy that aspect of your work and it always gives the story a sense of cleverness.

    Plus' - Wonderful pacing, dialogue doesn't sound too forced or cheesy, you leave the setting a complete mystery- whether by a concious decision or not. As a result I can see one of two locales that this little tale can take place in. Either in old Europe during the dark ages where the young woman is a middle age beauty whithered away to dust and the priest is a man to the side, clothed in a robe with a hood pulled over his head, holding a prayer book in one hand. The other Locale could be in modern times and the young woman lays in her bed in either a hospital or an apartment with a modern day priest or her father standing off to the side. Good descriptions. Grammer and Spelling are both fine.

    Negatives - A little on the short side. You could always go into more detail about either the setting or about the other characters. You leave the whole tale location pretty ambiguous. While not a real negative it leaves the story a tad bit short. Also a few lines would use a re-write or two. "She spoke no longer like birds in song." Perhaps you could try "She spoke, her voice no longer like birds in song."

    Final Farewell - To be honest I didn't like this story very much at all. Like all your other tales you leave us to the very end to pull the strings and reveal the clincher. I've always enjoyed how your writing always seemed to have a purpose behind them, that they weren't mindless, pointless rambling. This one, however, falls short of your other work on nearly all fronts. While I don't have a problem with the story itself or how you end it, it's the presentation that needs work.

    Plus' - Interesting idea, the concept isn't bad. Grammar and spelling is good.

    Negatives - It's pacing is terrible, to be blunt. It's all crammed together, unlike your first story. The speach is jumpy and it's difficult to figure out who's saying what or what is happening. They hug, he steps away, they talk, they're hugging again, he walks away, she says something, he says something and suddenly there's an explosion and he's falling at her feet. I finished the story before I even realized he'd been blown to bits. You leave no time for the reader to read the story, sort out what he read in his head and react to it. Before he or she knows it, it's over. While I understand that you're trying to enstablish a rapid pace with your story it simply seems rushed, not well timed. Everything is happening too quickly. It's all been shoved together in a single paragraph with no real progression. Events just seem to jump from one to another. It's cluttered and it takes away from the effect you're trying to draw. At times it feels like you're trying to be a little over dramatic.

    M'Kay. Good job on Death Bed. Both of these two tales remind me of work I'm gearing up to post in the similar short story style. You're as angsty as always, Basher.

    ~W
     
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  3. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Thanks Wertitis. I appreciate both a lot.

    To tell the truth the second I wrote off hand. I just wanted something quick and leave a big impression at the end. I wasn't thinking about reediting but I think I will thanks to your review.

    I was debating with the first short story about putting her voice in with the line of birds in song. I did add it. Thanks again. I never wanted to name a place for this story and I never will. I like it when people imagine where it could take place. I think it makes a story more intriguing.

    Sometimes watching the Harry Potter movies makes me a little sad for they were not what I thought it would have looked like. I know that it is the directors’ view. I guess to me that finalizes it.
     
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  4. Nephilim_X

    Nephilim_X New Member

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    Writing solely to leave a big impression doesn't work, even moreso if you don't have a good set-up.
     
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  5. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    Yes, it does, but like anything else in life you have you practice at it and put forth the time and effort to pull it off well.

    ~W
     
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  6. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    More short stories. Well, I editted one and did another. I also added in a disclaimer because you never know. Please view it in first post.

    So please critque if you can and say which one you like better.

    Final Farewell

    He held her in a tight embrace. Taking a step back he kissed her on the forehead. “I have to go now.”

    “Do you have too?” She asked him.

    “You know I have to. I am going to be late,” He smiled at her stepping down onto the street.

    “I guess then it is goodbye,” she told him. She sighed for she hated it when he left.

    He smiled at her and said, “It isn’t goodbye. It is I will see you later.”

    “I guess it is I will see you later then,” she smiled at him. He reached for her and embraced her once more. He then turned around and head for his car. His long strides carried him across the street. A bad omen covered her heart. “I love you,” she called to him.

    “I love you too,” he told her turning around to look at her. He gave her a final wave as he reached into his pocket to pull out his car keys. He turned away from her as he pushed it into his car door. Everything happened so quickly. A bomb that was hidden inside is car went off as the key was turned. The impact flung a piece of him at her feet.

    Cold

    Candice was almost frozen to death. She sat wrapped in a charred blanket and her winter jacket. Her teeth chattered. She lightly hummed to herself. Candice was one of seventeen people who survived the plane crash into the mountains. No one knew exactly where they were at. No one knew if help would come. It had been well over twenty days since the crash. Over half of the survivors were starving to death. The area in which they were in didn’t help their predicament.

    There was little to no vegetation in their area. There was definitely not enough to sustain animal life. The survivors’ spent their nights huddled inside part of the plane wreckage because it would blizzard out. Each morning they had to dig themselves out. They were not in a good spot. They feared leaving because of the bitter cold but most of all they feared sleeping and never waking up.

    Candice sat in her spot upon the snow thinking. She watched the fire as it crackled. A few chucks of meat sat on sticks cooking on it. The cook attended to the meat. It was as if by some lucky chance this meat had fallen on them. She watched as the juice fell from the meat and made the fire hiss and crackle more. The aroma was something she had never smelled before. It made her mouth water. She couldn’t help it. It has been to long since she had eaten.

    Candice watched as the cook decided the meat was done. He dished out a piece of meat to everyone. She held the meat in-between her hands deciding wither or not to eat. She watched as the others each decided to eat. Her belly ached for food. Everyone around her was eating. Candice was a vegetarian.

    Deciding on what to do Candice placed the meat to her lips and took a bite. It tasted different. Strange thoughts over whelmed her head. ‘Was it ethical for her to eat this? Was it normal?’ She thought. She shook her head trying to shake them away. She took another bite enjoying her meal. She eyed her companions as she ate. Most had finish and looked rather sick. Candice was not sick she had decided something in order to survive. She smiled to herself as she ate the last bite of her meal. It was the first time she had eaten human flesh and it wouldn’t be her last.
     
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  7. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    Final Farewell: I think I set you up for failure a little bit with this one. I really like how you went into greater detail and drew out the plot more than the original but the ending just wasn't as satisfying as the original post. I'll elaborate upon that in a bit.

    Plus' - Much better timing. The writing flows much more smoothly and you get a moment to feel for the couple. The conversation feels a little less one sided, and the whole story feels just a little bit more rich, a little bit more deeper.

    Negative's - Ok, I have to admit I liked the ending of the first one more than in this one. It simply felt more sudden, it was more shocking. What I should have said was that the story moved from him pushing his key into the lock to everything suddenly ending a few sentances later with no pause or break at all. Lemme illustrate.

    Blam, just like that it's finished. It feels too incomplete because it feels rushed. Here's what you put for the second version.

    It's much more smooth and much more drawn out, it doesn't feel rushed, but you lose the sudden shock of the event. It's an explosion, and an unexpected one at that. It's supposed to be sudden and dramatic. If I were to write it, here's what I would say.

    There's a few things you may want to consider with this one. First realize that this starts out real slow and almost mundane. It's two lovers saying goodbye, we've seen it a thousand times before. It's not exactly fast paced and excited. There's nothing wrong with drawing it out a little bit and exaggerating that mundane feel.

    ...Keep it nice and slow... perfectly calm and comfortable... almost relaxed... until...

    BOOMTHEBOMBGOESOFFANDFORASPLITSECONDWE'RECAUGHTBYSURPRISE.

    The explosion is a very sudden, a very rapid, a very dramatic expirience. It's finished before we even know it (the explosion, not the entire story like I mentioned before), especially in this context. With the way you had it written before the brain was power reading through the sentances, moving from to the other without much pause, which is why the reader finds himself complete before he or she realizes it. By adding that space between the lines you keep the original impact you wanted to create while forcing the brain to pay attention to this new line- you want it to stand out from the rest of the text right? This one sentance is the heart of the entire tale.

    The tiny addition I added to the end was simply a little bit of cool down to help with the dramatic effect, to help emphasize the terrible thing that is happening- the person she loved is lying in bits and pieces at her feet. There's no harm in exaggerating a little bit to help paint a more stunning picture in the mind of the reader.

    Additionally if you want to help with the dramatic feel remember that from the young woman's standpoint this is a horrifyingly tragic situation that would stick in her mind forever. As a result of the shock she's going to remember all the little, asenine details of thier final moments together. What was the weather like? What time of day was it? What season was it? Were there leaves blowing through the streets? What kind of sound did they make? Was it real cold outside? Why was he fumbling with his keys? Was it because his fingers were numb? What was he wearing? Was it blowing in a random breeze? What smells filled the air as she watched him walk away? What smells did she sense when she was hugging him? His cologne, his aftershave, the detergent he used in his clothes? When they kissed what did she taste? What sounds filled the air? Was it the braying of dogs in suburbia or was it the howl of police sirens in the city?

    You dont need to go overboard, but plugging in small little, almost pointless details will help stick in the mind of the reader after he or she finishes this story. It helps to add to the drama and give it a more realistic feel. The devil's in the details.

    Now don't get me wrong. I like this story much better than your old one, I just feel you lost a little bit of the dramatic effect you had with the old one by drawing out the explosion like you did.




    Cold: Compared to your other writings this one was a little more anti-climatic than your others. Regardless I have to admit I love the double meaning in your title.

    Plus' - Grammar and spelling is fine. At least there was nothing that stood out as a glaring mistake. I love the sick double meaning of your title. Sure it's as cold as a well digger's butt in the klondike, but her feelings about eating another person being reveal her to be an even colder human being. Hannibal Lecter would be proud. I like your attention to detail and how you attempt to pace this story in an even manner. You go from the frigid conditions of thier location to the crackling of the fire as the juices from the meat dribbled off.

    Negative's - The ending is really no surprise. They're in a place where there's no animals, they're all starving, and suddenly there's strange meat on the fire. It smells and tastes different. Oh, by the way, they were huddled about the wreckage of a plane crash. I wonder where the meat came from? :rolleyes:

    Aside from that it's well written and a... pleasure? ...to read. In terms of story creativity it's not your strongest, but it's a fine tale in of itself.

    As always with both of these stories what I've written here is simply my thoughts about them. That's all it is: an opinion. You don't have to take my word for gospel. My feelings wont be hurt if you disagree, or wish to try something else entirely.

    Great job once again!

    ~W
     
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  8. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Here is one I am writting right now. I seen a title and got an idea for this story. It will probably be lacking spelling and grammar. My computer is down and I have someone elses.

    Mystery Meat

    Bill was at the top of his senior class. He was a head of the game. He was the football star. He was the guy every female parents would love. He was the dream of every girl. He wasn't afraid of anything. He took every dare.

    Bill was dared to try the mystery meat in his high school cafeteria. No one has tried it before him. The talk around school was it that the mystery meat was the last option the school needed to meet their food program.

    Bill sat in front of his tray. The large grey lump consumed his plate. Other students heard about his dare and decided to try after him. Word about his daring fleet spread like a wild fire through the school cafeteria. All turned to watch as he took his first bite.

    Bill chewed and swallowed the mystery meat. It didn't taste half bad. The gravy covered the meat quite well. He give everyone thumbs up. Those who wanted to share in his glory took a bite of their own mystery meat.

    Bill put his last bite first in his mouth. It was a rather large bite but Bill wanted to talk to this girl he liked. He chewed and felt something strange in his mouth. A good portion of the cafeteria was still watching him. He didn't want to seam like a wimp so he tried to chew some more but the thing in his mouth felt like metal. He spit it out. A class ring fell out along with something he was unsure of. He picked up the ring and cleaned it off. It had the intials of his friend that was missing. The thing that he was unsure of was a thumb. Bill figured out that day what was really in the mystery meat.
     
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  9. shinigami

    shinigami The Dark Prince

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    its preaty good, like the idea on the mystery meat
     
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  10. Orion

    Orion Gears

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    I always love it when people put things in the mystery meat. Wow, a thumb? Creepy? Yes. Good story? Yes. Good job.
     
    #10
  11. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    Wow, I can't believe I missed this one for so long. Sorry for not catching this and reviewing it earlier.

    Wow, you and cannibalism. Ok, similar themes to your last post. Looks like you added gravy to this one, dropping the charbroiled flavor. As far as storyline and progression there's nothing wrong with it. Unlike several of your earlier ones this one really doesn't have anything special going for it either. Sure it's all nice that Bill is eating his best bud, but it's been done quite a bit before and seeing it again brings no surprise. It seems a little out of place and forced that he's eating his food in the presence of his entire class, or that he's test driving the mystery meat for everyone to see.

    That is unless there's some personal meaning behind all this.

    Plus' - Spelling, grammar and actual writing style/format are all nice. There's nothing wrong with the way you write.

    Negative's - Story wise seemed a little forced, a little dull. I suppose I'm used to the more dynamic, startling work that you do. You spoiled me with your first few.

    And that there be my two cents.

    ~W
     
    #11
  12. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Here is my newest. This one has a little more graphic but it ain't bad.

    The way I see the World

    The man held the child to his breast. The poor child laid there dead in his arms. He knew when he found her that she was died. Times like this he hated his job. He was a fireman.

    The mother, an alcoholic woman, left the child in order to flee for her own life. She left her child to die inside the burning apartment complex. He guessed the child suffocated to death. An autopsy would of course be done. It would need to rule out foul play. The only crime here was the mother. She cried in order to show grief. He laid down the five year old child. The mother cried harder yelling out for her child. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had to walk away before he did something stupid.

    He reached the fire truck he road in on. He threw down his helmet. It sickened him. Many of the men there looked glum. They all knew what happened and heard her story. Some probably thought about their own kids at home.

    They watched as the coroner brought out the body bag. They moved efficiently. Soon the child would be loaded up and moved else where. The mother still grieving had to be comforted by a police officer. He shook his head. “Is it time to go yet?”

    “Yeah, Charlie your truck can leave as soon as you are loaded up,” replied a fireman. “This is just so…” The man was also lost for words about the story that just played out.

    “Tragic? I know. Poor girl,” Charlie responded. “It looks like we are done. See you at the station.”

    Three men besides Charlie got into the fire truck. They drove to the station in silence. Neither of them could say anything about today. It was after all tragic and horrible. Charlie had seen plenty of his shares of grievance just like the men that where riding with him. But nothing could have compared to this day.

    Back at the station Charlie put away the things. He gave a friendly nod to those coming on. It was the end of the day for Charlie. He punched out and left without saying a word to anyone. His thoughts remanded on what happened today and the news of the outside world.

    ‘Someone has to do something,’ he thought. ‘A child died today because of her mother. A child’s call for help was ignored. Human beings were starving in parts of the world. The world is in mayhem.’ He sighed. He really didn’t go anywhere. All he did was get in her car and sit there. He turned the key to start it. ‘There is nothing I can do. Or anyone can do. A rock thrown into a pond makes a ripple. But it gets ignored when it is thrown into an ocean.’ He sighed heavily. Frown lines were running across his forehead. ‘Maybe there is something I can do.’ It was a crazy idea but something had to get a message across.

    He pulled out of the fire stations parking lot and whisked himself home. He had a plan to be set in motion. Actually this wasn’t the first time he had this particular idea. He dwelled over it on numerous occasions. But in the end he never played it out. This time it would be different. He honestly believed he had to do something.

    He arrived home with a few minutes. He looked at the clock his wife would be home within the hour. ‘Good,’ he thought. He had enough time to plan it out and execute the plan. He threw his keys on the key dish near where he entered. He kicked off his shoes and went to fetch his wife’s medical bag. She is a medical student.

    He retrieved the bag within a few minutes. He set it down on the kitchen table and opened it up. He lifted it upside down and the contents spilled out. He grabbed a hold of what he needed.

    He glanced at the clock. It would be thirty minutes until her arrival. He had to hurry. She surely would hinder his plan. He seized a piece of parchment and wrote a quick note.

    He held the scalpel up to his right eye slid it in. Pain shot threw his entire body. Blood started to run from the self inflicted wound. The deeper he went in the more blood dripped. He pulled away the scalpel from himself. His hand reached up to his eye. His brain screamed, ‘what have I down?’ His one good eye shifted to the paper. He read his quick note.

    Deciding on to continue he took the scalpel up to his last eye, he slid it in. Once again pain followed his action. He dropped the scalpel to the floor allowing himself to howler in pain. Soon his wife would be home and his message would be heard by her and hopefully the whole world. For he had written in script:

    The way I see the world now I wish I was blind.
     
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  13. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    o_O;

    Okies I understand where you're going with this and the purpose behind it all, and the moral isn't lost on me but...

    I mean... wow.

    Just what kind of reaction were you trying to garner?

    Plus' - Spelling Grammar and all that jazz is in check. It starts off smoothly like most of your work. And...well, you paint a vivid picture, there's no denying that.

    Negatives - Well, apart from the disturbing ending... Well to be honest you've got everything from dead babies to poking your own eyes out, which is rather disturbing in of itself. It's not a real negative, per-say, but rather unsettling. I know that you always go for shock value and all, but... Gah, remind me never to read your writings just after I've woken up on a work day. Haha, this is going to stick with me all day now. o.o;

    'Lo, the tragedy of a fireman.

    ~Unsettled Wert
     
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  14. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Actually I don't know what I was hoping for. I guess unsettled maybe. Considering there are "truths" to his reasoning. Maybe unnerving also. Considering he would be determined a psycho but how can a psycho think on this level? But truth be told, I really don't expect much considering people have different thoughts. I was hoping for them liking it at best.

    The dead baby actually is based on a real life occurrence. Sad as it is. This child was forgotten by both mother and care giver. Well mother left and didn’t tell care giver and the child died.

    One thing I was hoping for was getting the point across that he thought about this for a time before he proceeded.

    A neat thing would be if Wert and I wrote a story together. With his "intelligent, descriptive, and thought out stories" and my shock value it would make a killer read.
     
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  15. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Been awhile aye?

    Here is the next one please review.

    Together Forever

    Ten years have passed since she had made a special promise. She sat alone at her desk staring at a picture. The picture is of the boy who she had made a promise too. A smile played at her lips.

    Suddenly she felt a slight pain in her throat. It hurt. She clasped her right hand around it as she continued to stare at his picture. She probably was coming down with something. There was nothing to worry about.

    Her skin felt rather warm and wet. She moved her hand to her forehead placing the back against it. She had a slight fever. She was probably sweating also. She still sat there though staring at his picture not wanting to leave it even to rest.

    It had taken her a while but she didn’t break her promise to him. She had achieved her dreams. She sat there remembering the past even while the pain got worse.

    His name was Adon Tilt. He was quite handsome even at the young age of nine. He was one year her senior. He had short sandy blonde hair and eyes as blue as the sea.

    They had played often together. She had loved every minute. They shared their dreams as best friends do. They even made a promise to each other.

    She covered her mouth as she coughed. It snapped her back to reality. She felt rather weak. A slight chill ran down her body. She definitely was sick. At the time it didn’t matter. All she wanted to do was sit there and stare at his picture. The pain her throat wasn’t as bad now but it still hurt.

    She reached out at took his picture. She pulled it closer to her in her right hand. The words of the past echoed in her mind. A memory fell upon her.

    “I love you, Saffron” Adon said. He smiled at her which made her heart go weak at the time.

    She felt him wrap his arms around her. He brought her in close. Her tiny heart skipped a beat.

    “I love you,” he said. His lips touched hers. Her heart pounded hard in her chest.

    She wasn’t sure what those words meant. But she yearned to say them back. This is what loved had to of felt like. Even though she didn’t quite comprehend what love was back then.

    He released her from their kiss. She stood there saying nothing. A slight blushed filled her cheeks.

    “It’s okay,” Adon told her while still holding her. “You can tell me next time.”

    Tears immediately sprang to her eyes as she realized he was leaving. They started to leak out. They rolled down her cheeks. Adon tried to brush them all away.

    “It’s okay. You know my father got transferred,” he told her trying to reassure her.

    She wasn’t sure what that was but all she knew it meant that Adon was leaving. She didn’t like it one bit. She didn’t know what she would do without him.

    “Let’s make a promise here and now.”

    His words slowly ended her tears. She nodded her head. She could still feel his warmth as she rested in his arms.

    “We both promise to achieve our dreams. You will be an actress, and I will be a chef.” He paused for a moment. “And when we meet again ten years from now…”

    “Ten years?” She asked finding her voice for once.

    “You will be eighteen years old,” he said and paused. “We can get married.”

    A bright smile appeared on her face. She was happy for what he had said to her. He noticed this and smiled back.

    “You are even more beautiful when you smile. Keep on smiling.”

    A small blush appeared across her face again even though the other one had long faded away. “Adon? I…”

    “Tell me that you love me on the day we meet again.”

    She nodded to this agreeing to his words. In the distance they heard someone calling Adon. They both looked. It was his mother. He had to leave now.

    “When we meet again,” he stopped and kissed her in the same fashion again. It took her tiny breath away.

    “We will be together forever,” Adon said after releasing her.

    “Together forever?” she asked.

    “Yes, together forever,” He replied. He kissed her once more. He turned around and ran past the gates that stood two times her height at the end of her yard.

    She watched him go. Her tiny heart was still pounding in her chest. She watched as he stood in the middle of their street calling to her.

    “SAFFRON KATZ,” he yelled. “I LOVE YOU. WE WILL MEET AGAIN ONCE WE HAVE ACHIEVED OUR DREAMS.” He paused taking another deep breath. His little body couldn’t say his last words together but to her they had a better meaning separate. “WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER,” he finished.

    “TOGETHER FOREVER, ADON,” she yelled back. She waved to him and he waved back. She ended her happy memory there.

    The rest was too painful. Tears started to roll down her cheeks as she clasped onto his picture. They fell to the ground and some even landed on his picture staining the glass as they slid down to the frame.

    She had watched him die ten years ago. It happened right after they made their promise. He had been hit by a drunk driver that was what her daddy called the man who drove the car that had hit him. Adon had been killed instantly. She had understood what those words truly meant years later.

    The painful memory was still fresh to her. She thought about Adon everyday. She had struggled these last ten years. She coughed once again but she didn’t bother to cover it. Her body felt weak. She needed to rest. Her work is affecting her.

    She had become an actress, Adon Sapphire. She appeared in movies, magazines, television shows, and commercials. Her name has become well know. She is even considered beautiful even modeled a little. Her smile made the hearts of American public melt.

    She still wasn’t happy though. The person she had loved the most was gone. She had achieved her dreams like she promised to him ten years ago.

    She slumped forward onto her desk. The sickness that she had was worst then she thought. She closed her eyes. She felt really cold. Her breathing became uneasy.

    A small clang at her feet made her open her eyes slowly. She must have dropped something off the desk. As she moved to look down she noticed it was the knife she had used to open her fan mail. She watched as a hand grabbed the object that fell.

    It surprised her. She lived alone. Her door was locked. No one should have been there.

    She moved back in her chair. She slowly rotated the desk chair. She turned it enough to see who picked up her letter opener. She felt very weak.

    A man stood there but she knew who it was instantly. He had age with her even though he shouldn’t have. He was even more handsome then she could have imagined.

    “Adan?” She called out in a weak voice. Her eye lids felt heavy. They started to cloud over. “I love you.” Her breathing slowed.

    “We promised to be together forever,” he spoke. His voice had even aged with him. Fat tears rolled down his cheeks. “How can we be together now?” He asked her. To this she didn’t reply.

    “You should have waited,” he paused for a moment deciding on what to say next. “Soon…” His voice had trialed off for he couldn’t place the right words.

    She remained silent. A great sadness radiated off his ghostly body. “When you kill yourself,” he finally was able to choke out. “You go to hell.”

    There the actress known as Adon Sapphire died. Unknown to all she died wrapped in the ghostly arms of the person she loved the most. The person she couldn’t live without.

    Adon and Saffron were together for only a second. They could never be together forever. This was one promise that could never be kept. Because in Heaven if you believe in it there isn’t a place for one who sins by taking their own life.
     
    #15
  16. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    I'm on a roll.

    READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE VERY IMPORTANT!!!

    Good-bye

    Mohammad had found the love of his life. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He believed no other woman in Sudan could compare to her.

    Her name is Asilah. She was as noble and pure as her name meant. He knew, despite the fact that he was able to have more then one wife; he wanted her and only her. She made him believe that the heart was only meant for one.

    He knew she had feelings for him. He decided to ask her father for her hand in marriage. There was a problem here though. Her father and his father have been feuding for some time. Despite that fact he went and asked her father anyway.

    Her father turned him down. He was sad. He decided that the only way he could be with his love was for her to she yes to him. There was nothing else in this world that mattered to him but his love for this woman. If she turned him down he decided that he couldn’t live. He would die if he couldn’t have her for his wife.

    Mohammad went to Asilah. He told her that he wanted to marry her and if he couldn’t he would kill himself. She told him she couldn’t go against her father’s wishes.

    Devastated Mohammad left her. He went to his parent’s house. He took each of their hands and shook it. He told them good-bye.

    They asked him what he meant. He told them he was going to jump in the Nile. They didn’t believe him. They knew he loved Asilah and what had happened. They knew he was heart broken. So they decided to let him be. In time he would heal.

    Mohammad left them. He walked all over Sudan. He visited all his family and friends. He shook everyone’s hands. He told everyone good-bye as he did. Everyone knew his sad fate. They also decided to let him be.

    Finally he went to Asilah home. He went to her father first. He told the man good-bye and shook his hand. The father thought nothing of this believing Mohammad has given up on his daughter.

    The last person Mohammad went to was Asilah. She was still the love of his life. He took her hand in his. Good bye he told her like all the others and shook her hand. Before she could say anything he left.

    For those who don’t know Sudan is a territory in Africa. It is right below Egypt. The Nile runs threw both territories.

    Mohammad walked to the Nile. He had told everyone he carried for good-bye. He probably knew no one believed him. No one came to stop him. He jumped into the Nile taking his love for Asilah with him. He drowned and his body was found a few days later.

    Author’s Note- For those who have read this story I have to tell you the truth. I wrote it based on fact. This story happened a short while ago. I changed the names though. “Asilah” has never told anyone her true feelings are from what I understand.

    This story was told to me by a co-worker. I decided to write this story because it has affected me deeply. Never let anyone say good-bye.
     
    #16
  17. Lance Leingod

    Lance Leingod The White Blade

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    I found the one above very sad and depressing T_T Really, I did.

    I found that he died from a broken heart the most terrible thing about this story. May his soul find peace in the after-life.
     
    #17
  18. Athena

    Athena Wisdom comes with Sadness

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    i know, i know, it's an old thread i'm not suppose to revive it but i had to. I loved all of your stories basher and i hope to see more. ^_^ I'll be posting more of mine to... a chapter at a time i think... but that's about thirteen pages long give or take a couple pages. ^_^ loved your stories
     
    #18
  19. wertitis

    wertitis Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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    The first one of the previous two was a little confusing for me. It looked like she was sick, though I dont remember her killing herself, nor any mention of that. Not even a hint, or a subtle gesture that would lead anywhere in that direction. I might have missed it, though. I have been up since one in the morning... (Checked it again: no dice :\ ).

    Anyway both of the stories seemed a little rushed and could have suffered a rewrite or two to help flesh out details and give some weight to thier plots. The ideas behind them were both about love and love lost, although neither of them (at least for me) had any of the real shock value that your stories generally contain.

    I'm probably being a little critical right now, but in my defense you raised the bar too high with your previous stories. :p I'm simply calling it as I see it.

    Sounds like fun. :3 It's a date.

    ~W
     
    #19
  20. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Thanks for reading Athena. It is always great to read what other people have to say.

    I hoped that the "sickness" would come off as the depression then making the sickness the actual attempt at suicide. Guess that it was lost. So redid it. Not completely though. Changed a few things and moved a couple of paragraphs.

    Thanks. I will. I redid much of the first. In time maybe I can do the second. Right now I am working on Mirror World sort of for my son. I don't want to let the second story a rushed job at rewritting it.

    As far as shocking goes this time I wanted to try something different.

    YAY. Maybe we can actually start it this time. It may take sometime but in the end I hope we are both satisfied. We both have lives after all. Let’s start brainstorming then. I will add you to my new MSN.


    Here is the new:

    Together Forever

    Ten years have passed since she had made a special promise. She sat alone at her desk staring at a picture. The picture is of the boy who she had made a promise too. A smile played at her lips.

    Suddenly she felt a slight pain in her throat. It hurt. She clasped her right hand around it as she continued to stare at his picture. She probably was coming down with something. There was nothing to worry about.

    Her skin felt rather warm and wet. She moved her hand to her forehead placing the back against it. She had a slight fever. She was probably sweating also. She still sat there though staring at his picture not wanting to leave it even to rest.

    It had taken her a while but she didn’t break her promise to the one in the picture. She had achieved her dreams. She sat there remembering the past even while the pain got worse.

    His name was Adon Tilt. He was quite handsome even at the young age of nine. He was one year her senior. He had short sandy blonde hair and eyes as blue as the sea.

    They had played often together. She had loved every minute. They shared their dreams as best friends do. They even made a promise to each other.

    She covered her mouth as she coughed. It snapped her back to reality. She felt rather weak. A slight chill ran down her body. She definitely was sick. At the time it didn’t matter. All she wanted to do was sit there and stare at his picture. The pain her throat wasn’t as bad now but it still hurt.

    She reached out at took his picture. She pulled it closer to her in her right hand. The words of the past echoed in her mind. A memory fell upon her.

    “I love you, Saffron” Adon said. He smiled at her which made her heart go weak at the time. He had a wonderful smile.

    She felt him wrap his arms around her. He brought her in close. Her tiny heart skipped a beat.

    “I love you,” he said. His lips touched hers. Her heart pounded hard in her chest.

    She wasn’t sure what those words meant. But she yearned to say them back. This is what loved had to of felt like. Even though she didn’t quite comprehend what love completely was back then.

    He released her from their kiss. She stood there saying nothing. A slight blushed filled her cheeks.

    “It’s okay,” Adon told her while still holding her. “You can tell me next time.”

    Tears immediately sprang to her eyes as she realized he was leaving. They started to leak out. They rolled down her cheeks. Adon tried to brush them all away.

    “It’s okay. You know my father got transferred,” he told her trying to reassure her.

    She wasn’t sure what transferred was. All she knew it meant that Adon was leaving. She didn’t like it one bit. She didn’t know what she would do without him.

    “Let’s make a promise here and now.”

    His words slowly ended her tears. She nodded her head. She could still feel his warmth as she rested in his arms.

    “We both promise to achieve our dreams. You will be an actress, and I will be a chef.” He paused for a moment. “And when we meet again ten years from now…”

    “Ten years?” She asked finally finding her voice for once.

    “You will be eighteen years old,” he said and paused. “We can get married then.”

    A bright smile appeared on her face. She was happy for what he had said to her. She like so many other young girls had dreamed of their wedding. He noticed her smiled and returned one with his own.

    “You are even more beautiful when you smile. Keep on smiling, Saffron.”

    A small blush appeared across her face again even though the other one had long faded away. “Adon? I…”

    “Tell me that you love me on the day we meet again. By then you will know what it truly means.”

    She nodded to this agreeing to his words. In the distance they heard someone calling Adon. They both looked. It was his mother. He had to leave now.

    “When we meet again,” he stopped and kissed her in the same fashion again. It took her tiny breath away. “We will be together forever.” Adon finished then he released her.

    “Together forever?” she asked.

    “Yes, together forever,” he replied. He kissed her once more. He turned around and ran past the gates that stood two times her height at the end of her yard.

    She watched him go. Her tiny heart was still pounding in her chest. She watched as he stood in the middle of their street calling to her.

    “SAFFRON KATZ,” he yelled. “I LOVE YOU. WE WILL MEET AGAIN ONCE WE HAVE ACHIEVED OUR DREAMS.” He paused taking another deep breath. His little body couldn’t say his last words together but to her they had a better meaning separate. “WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER,” he finished.

    “TOGETHER FOREVER, ADON,” she yelled back. She waved to him and he waved back. She ended her happy memory there.

    The rest was too painful. Tears started to roll down her cheeks as she clasped onto his picture. They fell to the ground. Some even landed on his picture staining the glass as they slid down to the wood frame pooling there.

    She had become an actress, Adon Sapphire. She appeared in movies, magazines, television shows, and even commercials. Her name is well known. She is even considered beautiful even modeled a little. Her smile made the hearts of American public melt.

    She still wasn’t happy though. There was something missing in her life. She became deeply depressed. She had achieved her dreams like she promised to him ten years ago.

    Saffron slumped forward and onto her desk. The sickness that she thought she had was worst now. She closed her eyes. She felt really cold. Her breathing became uneasy.

    A small clang at her feet made her open her eyes slowly. She must have dropped something off the desk. As she moved to look down she noticed it was the knife she had used to open her fan mail. Blood had stained the tip of the knife. It even started to pool around her chair and desk. Her clothes were stained with it. It was her blood. She wasn’t sick instead she was taking her own life.

    Saffron watched as a hand grabbed the object that fell. It surprised her. She lived alone. Her door was locked. No one should have been there. No one could have been able to stop her.

    She moved back in her chair. She wanted to know who tried to stop her. She slowly rotated the desk chair. She turned it enough to see who picked up her letter opener. She felt very weak.

    A man stood there but she knew who it was instantly. He had age with her even though he shouldn’t have. He was even more handsome then she could have imagined.

    She had watched him die ten years ago. It happened right after they made their promise. He had been hit by a drunk driver that was what her daddy called the man who drove the car that had hit him. Adon had been killed instantly. She hadn’t understood what a drunk driver was. All she knew was that Adon was gone.

    “Adan?” She called out in a weak voice. Her eye lids felt heavy. They started to cloud over. “I love you.” Her breathing started to slow.

    The painful memory was still fresh to her. She thought about Adon everyday. She had struggled these last ten years that was why she tried to take her own life.

    “We promised to be together forever,” he spoke. His voice had even aged with him. Fat tears rolled down his cheeks. “How can we be together now?” He asked her. To this she didn’t reply.

    “You should have waited,” he paused for a moment deciding on what to say next. “Soon…” His voice had trialed off for he couldn’t place the right words.

    She remained silent. A great sadness radiated off his ghostly body. “When you kill yourself,” he finally was able to choke out. “You go to hell.”

    There the actress known as Adon Sapphire died. Unknown to all she died wrapped in the ghostly arms of the person she loved the most. The person she had decided that she couldn’t live without.

    Adon and Saffron were together for only a second. They could never be together forever. This was one promise that could never be kept. Because in Heaven if you believe in it there isn’t a place for one who sins by taking their own life. If you don’t believe though just maybe they are now together forever.
     
    #20
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