Creative Writing Change Begins

Before I start, yes, my signature did say 'The change of time began on August 19th', but due to some irregularities, like, my birthday, and such, I had to wait until today. Fortunately, I get to chip in a bit extra.

*Ahem*

To the little amount that have seen this thread, you can kind of get the idea of the story. I decided to change the first chapter that I wrote in that thread, into a prologue, more like an introduction to the story.

But for a deeper introduction on its meaning, just check out that thread. It's really something to get into. The prologue is something you can just quickly rather skip by, it being short, and mostly descriptive about the setting of the story, which starts with NSA (National Security Agency) agents. Mostly describing how the times are in the not too far future. Usually by the time you get to chapter one, you may get hooked into it, it's easy to read, and it's interesting, or at least I hope so

 

Had to do it in different post due to over characterizingness

Over by 30000, xD

 

More overcharacterizing!

 

Man I hate this character limit

 

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m not that stupid. So next time, be honest with me…” said Nicholai.

Al surprised said “W-What are you talking about?”

“Don’t think I don’t get what’s going on. You choose kids that are nobodies so the world won’t miss them, the probability of their death is very high, since they’re not trained, and you don’t pay them at all, since they’re going to die before they finish…isn’t that what you missed!?” yelled Nicholai.

Al stared for a few seconds, and then burst out into laughing. “Look, hah, yes, but I already told you that you are the perfect candidate because you have nothing to loose, but a dream that you can loose if you don’t take this. However, of course you’re going to be trained, and of course you’re going to be paid. While not in cash, we’re going to give you a place to stay, and food to eat, more than that orphanage that gives you crap for food.”

“Hey! They’re good people, and they’re trying.”

“Of course they are, but they need help, YOUR help. If you help us, you will be helping them too. And not just them, everyone else! Don’t you want to see smiles on everyone’s faces again? And not smiles from hiding the truth and poverty that’s really going on, smiles of happiness and true joy?”

Nicholai paused for a second, and asked “So you’re saying, if I go through with this, and I get the job done….they’ll all be happy?”

“But remember, it all comes with a price. You will have to kill in your missions, and you’re going to go through hell of training first.”

“My question still stands Mr. Prichard, will this truly help them?”

“Only if you go through with all of the missions we give you. So you’re going to be extra careful I presume…” said Al, as he extended his hand.

Nicholai looked at him, and thought for a second. He knew that the chance that was given to him was better than any other, so he extended his hand, and shook Al’s hand.

“Allright, I’ll do it, but please, make me feel safe when I’m out there…” said Nicholai.

“Safer than anything. Welcome to the NSA, Mr. Nicholai Andrews…” said Al.

“Hey look!” said Jack. “We’re here kid. NSA HQ. Come on, let’s go get you set up, there’s much to do, isn’t there?”

“Indeed” said Al, with an exited look on his face.

As the door of the van opened, Nicholai knew that he made the biggest decision in his life. He was now a part of the National Security Agency, ready to risk his life to help his country.

Nicholai thought to himself “Remember remember, that on the day the soldier would rise, but no matter what, he would rise in the dark skies. For no one would ever be able to know him, or what he did. Not a hero, nor a legend, just an unknown soldier. Well, it’s better than an unknown civilian…”[/quote]

Whew!

Well, sorry about the separations, but it should make it a bit neater.

Hopefuly you're hooked into it. Next chapter (maybe two!) in a week! I'll count weeks on wednsdays

Please Review!

-Seishin

 

Just some edits I would make, purely suggestion... I'm gonna do bit by bit and speak my mind/opinions afterwards.

Sounds to me, since "countries" is a plural, that "there're", or "there are" more appropriately, would be the correct word usage here.

I would say a better way to word this would be "since almost the end of 2007". Though I think "nearly" would be a better word. "since nearly the end of 2007".

This seems to be a bit of a standalone sentence. There's only a subject and as far as I could tell there was really nothing leading up to it. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong though.

I think you need some kind of separator between quoted paragraph number 4 and the end of the previous one. It just sort of jumps from the actual prologue, explaining the events leading up to this point, to the scene with the men. Feels to me like two completely different "scenes" so to speak, so perhaps give it a separator (repeated ~, -, =, so on and so forth... or italic/bold the previous paragraphs and leave the further ones in regular text).

Two things pertaining to this, one of which pertains to the previous paragraph. First is the beginning sentence in quoted paragraph 5. "The one" in this sentence is unnecessary and makes it sound awkward to me. Either leave it as "Would you rather it be YOU that's going to have to go..." or something akin to "Would you rather it be YOU that's the one that's going to have to go..." even. The former seems much more trim and proper to me so I'd side with that one. Second is that you went into nice detail about past events but you lack any detail whatsoever about the current. Don't just throw dialogue and names at us. Include a bit more detail. Where are Jack and Al, where is Jack sitting, or standing, tell us a bit about the place. We need to picture better where we are.

This might be more of personal preference, but in the italics I personally think taking out the first "and" would make the sentence flow better. In fact, replace the second comma with a period so that it's set up like: "Hey, you know how it is. Orders are given here, we just take them and go on with our lives, no questions asked." Seems to just go along better in my opinion. Also as a suggestion, if you use elipsis, use three periods and only three. Also end the quote with a comma.

More of a suggestion than anything but try and refrain from using "and" two many times as it makes the line/sentence start to sound rather clunky. Also, a problem that I have all the time that annoys me and people always point out to me so I'll make you suffer in the same way, is that here you start to go into present tense from past.

Well at this point I'll kindly stop editing and such. I'm no professional editor, so, yeah... feel free to kindly ignore anything I've said. Aside from editing necessities however (mostly punctuation and rewording) I see no problem with your story and seems to genuinely be quite interesting... though for some reason I read Prichard as "Picard"... damn, bald frenchmen... anyways... In spite of the previous things I mentioned it's shaping out to be a very well thought out story and would be looking forward to seeing more of it. Take it easy and post more, or I take your first newborn.