Creative Writing You will die.

Discussion in 'Written Arts' started by Hitokiri Tenma, Jan 6, 2006.

  1. Hitokiri Tenma

    Hitokiri Tenma New Member

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    I want to know what everyone thinks of this.


    As you shout from across the room, "You will die." I draw my sword and shout, "Then I shall take you with me." I charge, sword drawn and raised. You draw yours in time to block my attack, but I shift the direction of the attack and my sword impales your heart. As the hot blood flows from your body and onto my hands, I yank my sword free and let your lifeless corpse fall to the ground. As you are falling I grab your shirt and it tears off your body. I wipe your blood off my blade with it. After droping your blood soaked shirt onto your body, I turn and walk through the door.


    Well, what do you think?
     
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  2. Soitsu

    Soitsu Flame Alchemist!

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    It was...special...are you trying to do an RPG or something...:p
     
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  3. Ciel

    Ciel Unoa Freak
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    Ya, it seems more like an rpg. Maybe you should try placing each thought pattern on one line each, and fixing the few spelling mistakes, adding a few commas, it may look more like poetry, which I think is what you were going for?

    Other than that, it's a bit scary, and I wondered what the thread was about. Tell us what you were thinking about when writing this?
     
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  4. Orion

    Orion Gears

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    It was about smaurai's, right? If so, then it's cool. I like how you described how the blood felt.
     
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  5. Soitsu

    Soitsu Flame Alchemist!

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    Just thinking about blood...man I feel like i'm going to faint...:(
     
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  6. Kagome's Arrow

    Kagome's Arrow Princess of Unicorns

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    What's not to love about a thread called "You will die"? >_>

    Anyway, I pretty much agree with everything Ciel said. Good description words, though...
     
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  7. Basher

    Basher Mad Writing Skillz

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    Grammar and spelling need work. I think it is fine as a short story. It is very interesting.
     
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  8. Hitokiri Tenma

    Hitokiri Tenma New Member

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    Okay, I made some changes. Hopefully it's better.
     
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  9. Hitokiri Tenma

    Hitokiri Tenma New Member

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    One of my friends came up to me and asked me what came to mind when he said, "You will die." I pulled out a notebook and started writing. This is what I ended up with. I'm thinking about changing the point of view to third and putting it in one of my books.
     
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  10. Ashika

    Ashika This thing is so short...

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    Its good, but if your looking for critisim, ive got some! lol. I think you need to not use "I" as much, and put more detail into the area around them, maybe different adjectives to.... Whatever im ranting, Its awsome! i wish i could write something like that but i get quezy ....
     
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