Creative Writing 1st Poem I have written in awhile...

First poem I have written in a LOOOONG time. I wrote this when I was having one of those depressing days where nothing seems to go right at all. Its very dark and angsty just to warn you ahead of time.

As I sit in solitude
I feel the tears flow.
Preying on my vanquished heart,
sucking on my soul

Fearing my own sanity
I sob for recompense.
For the heart that I have lost,
for life to make some sense

Touching the blade to my wrist,
I watch the grisly scene.
Vaguely feeling the throb of pain
but it cannot compete.

Against my tattered spirit,
this hurt cannot compare.
All I feel is agony and
nothing but despair.

As my sight begins to fade,
I wonder at this night,
and anticipate the warmth
from the dawn of morning light

So whacha think? Comments and critiques you have for me would be uber helpful. If you have any suggestions on how I could make this better let me know.

 

Okay, but you asked for it.
I find a few problems with the metre in this piece. It doesn't flow right to me. Maybe I emphasized the wrong syllables, I don't know.
Secondly, I have to ask why the reference to cutting yourself. It seems that every teenage poet these days can think of no better way to express depression than by either killing themself or by writing about trying to do so. If you are truly contemplating this, I suggest you seek professional help.

Now, you didn't think I would just bash a bit, did you? I have some nice things to say as well.
First of all, word choice. Very well done. I'll quote a few lines I liked:
"preying on my vanquished heart" - not how I would thought someone would say this. Interesting word choice
"sucking on my soul" - very vivid
"from the dawn of morning light" - a very well phrased line
You also didn't to the giga-annoying thing a lot of amateur poets do where they unintentionally write something that's supposed to be dark and/or moody with an upbeat rhythm. I've even accidentally done so myself before, so I was impressed.
How much do you write? This was actually quite good.

 

heh, thanks for the imput Novus it helped quite a bit. I kinda do need to work on the flow of this piece. As for the refrence of killing myself, eh been there tried that and I am not about to attempt it a second time. I currently am talking to a counciler and have resovled alot of my *cough cough* issues. As far as how much I write...not NEARLY as much as I would like to. I just havent really had the time for the last year or so. Too busy with school and work to even consider the thought of writing, as tempting as it is.

 

It's pretty good, although you broke up the rhyming in the fourth stanza! I'd change "I watch the grisly scene" to something like "I barely shudder in my seat." That would make it rhyme with "but it cannot compete."

I tried writing something like a dark poem half a year ago. Not really "dark" as in gloomy, but simply evil and treacherous--it was a poem about getting revenge on someone that I used to care about!

 

The darker stuff's easier to write, I find. But is the darker mind the one that's really dangerous? I find it more difficult to write something more upbeat and happy.

 

A dark mind is not necessarily dangerous I think. Some people are all into dark stuff but they're not violent at all.

 

Exactly seraphinx. I like to write dark poetry and what not, but I am probably the most passive person in my entire school, and I am not dangerous by any means. Welll....unless you count that one time.... J/k. Hehe, seriously though, I couldnt hurt someone even if I wanted to. Goes against my morals and such. Your right about the fourth stanza as well. I was stuck on the particular line for like 10 minutes trying to think of something that fit. I'll have to do some more work on this and make a few changes. Dunno when thats going to be though since I am so bloody swamped with school work. *sigh* woe is me.