....

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t be perfect. I’m sorry that time goes differently in my mind than it does in real life. I’m sorry that I can’t do more than one thing at a time. I would say that I wish there were more of me to get things done, but that would be a stupid thing to wish since one of me is bad enough. Instead I wish that I wasn’t ADD, that I had better memory, that I was everything you want me to be… I wish I didn’t get angry or upset. I’m sorry that about all I can do when I’m upset is cry. I’m sorry that I take forever… especially since the world wants everything now. I’m sorry that I’m human. Maybe if I was a robot I could better suit your needs and wants. Then I couldn’t get angry or sad… then I would have a perfect sense of time… then I could do everything when it needs to be done and do it perfectly while keeping a “smile”. Too bad I’m not… I’m just another worthless human being… good for nothing, never right, never fast enough, never strong enough…. Never good enough for you… or anyone.

You asked me why I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t talk, I never can when I’m crying… you never got that. You once posed, “you were never depressed as a teen were you?” I lied, “no I was relatively happy”…. But if that was so then how come I don’t remember it? I never could talk to you… I never could face you with tears in my eyes. I poured my hurt into useless poems and stupid web log posts… Cause I could never talk to you… How could I say it? How could I say how you broke my heart with all those words? How could I show you how pathetic you made me feel? … how you broke my heart the night of graduation…. It wasn’t good enough… had I done a bit more…. had I been perfect… I felt so worthless…. Maybe you never realized just how sensitive I am. You said you always knew I could do better, that if I just tried a bit harder.

Are you the reason I hate myself? Are you the reason I would mentally berate myself for not reaching farther, for not being all things to all people?

You wanted me to grow. You wanted me to be everything you were… with out all of your faults. But… I can’t be. I am a combination of some of your best attributes and all of your worst ones. I am pathetic. I can be smart… but what’s the point? I can’t remember peoples names… I can’t remember dates… I can’t remember important things. I’m so forgetful, I’m hopeless. And then there’s my sense of time, or lack there of… it’s so stupid.
I could never make it… never reach my dreams. Not that they’re very practical anyway…. I mean it’s not like you find field biologist listed in the job section of the newspaper. At best I’ll get some job with the state, live alone with a cat or two in some messy apartment, and die all alone.
What’s it really for?

I’m depressed…



"What's it for?" by Yoko Kanno

I'm not too sure that I can go much father
I'm really not sure things are even getting better
I'm so tired of the me that has to disagree
And so tired of the me that's in control

I woke up to see the sun shining all around
How could it shine down on me?
You'd think that it would notice
I can't take anymore
I had to ask myself
"What's it really for?"

Everything I tried to do, it didn't matter
and now I might be better off just rollling over
'cause you know I tried to hard but couldn't change a thing
And it hurts so much I might as well let go

I can't really take the sun shining all around me
Why would it shine down on me?
You'd think that it would notice
I no longer believe
Can't help telling myself
"It don't mean a thing"

I woke up to see the sun shining all around me
How could it shine down on me?
Sun shining all its beauty
Why would it shine down on me
You'd think that it would notice
I can't take anymore
Just had to ask myself
"What's it really for?"

 

Jack... your one of the

Jack... your one of the greatest people i've had the chance to meet. and i must say i hate when your depressed. i hate it when you feel like you have to worry about the world... because it can't worry about it self... i hate when you feel like your alone.. and a hate the fact that you think your going to die with only a cat...I hate it when you utter the words "I'm sorry," I hate it most when you let people walk all over you...

Don't ever let anyone tell you you don't have the right to be angry! you have every right.

but thats okay... because when everythings all said and done.. i know i'll still be here as your friend if nothing else.

Cheer up. Your amazing and extremely talented just the way you are.