6:40 am rant.

Honestly, I couldn't tell you what day it is. I want to say tuesday but i honestly don't know. I want to say I know what I'm doing but I don't. I never do. I can't believe I woke up this early..

Usually I'm up til this time then pass out but Last night I was wiped after drinking and settled into one of those amazing stupors that seem to last far too long and involve far too much thinking. Not that thinking is the worst i could be doing in that state.

I've come to the decision that I am nothing like I want to be. i can preach to people to grow up, buck up, and be real people but what am I doing that is so enviable? I'm not sure I can answer that with anything more then a soft sigh and a shrug. Nothing. I'm nothing special..

Proof of this lies in my own words, words that connot be covered up by shrugs and sighs and silence. I know there is nothing for me to say now.

My summer? Hah, if I'm not drunk, I'm smoking. I'm out or I'm here, online or not. I can't say I remember half the memoriable things i do and the other half I share willingly to spark conversation. Conversation that is infact meaningless and more then likely empty.

Empty? God, what a word. Knowing it, I feel like i live it. The epitomy of empty. Of an empty shell, I am it. Just moving along at my own pace, regardless of the tasks I once set out to sccomplish. Because, what do I need? What do i honestly need to accomplish now?

Nothing. And back to nothing we go, something that s infact nothing. I love this word, used so freeely among the young and the naive. To have nothing, to feel nothing, blah. i'll use it now at my own risk, knowing full well any of you could lash out and reiterate the actual meaning of the word. I have plenty, why do i complain?

Heh, youth will cause me complain i think until I've become content. And contentment is fleeting, a feeling no more existant then said nothingness. Why do I bother with emotions? They never last too long, and only a few are worth while.

Like love. Can we all agree that love is worth having? God I love love. The mere idea of real love is something so tangible yet so far from where i am currently. I can touch it, feel it, make use of it but never truely posess it.

One of those elusive feelings that seem to pull at my heartstrings like none other. God, if I had a nickle for everytime i said i loved someone and meant it, I would be one rich woman. Girl. Scratch that, i am a girl. And there is no shame in this idea. Being a girl is one of the major stages of life.

They try to mask it with makeup and sex appeal [both of which i have] but in the end, I'm just a girl. I exude that girl feel, talking of love and hate and misery. I make myself cry sometimes because i'm girl. I'm weak. no shame in it.

Who can place a name on someone like me? A label maybe? God, i love labels. People try to fight them or attain them or just bare one..

But in the end, it's all broken down to male or female, human or other. Noone really cares about the others after a while. they either hate you for it, love you for it or refuse to care about something so trivial. I do the same though. i worry over labels and names I'm called. Things said to me that rub me the wrong way. Jew bashing, female hating, people who wish to crush my opinion and my spirit all in one blow.

I love it, the world around me. Something so complex that I cannot find the logic in it. Age old question of why we're here always seems to dawn on me. Even better is the thought that maybe there are more like us somewhere else. it's silly to think there isn't yet sillier to think there is.

And god, why god? I believe but not by choice. Well, there is a choice but by definition, you are the best choice. A higher form of life then ourselves. And being egotictical humans, we look to a creature more powerful then anyother, expecting protection. I believe, raised to believe in a way, also raised to think for myself, to ban disbelief but to look out for frauds.

Am i the fraud? Am I close to being the fraud, yet again preaching like I know just what to say. There's a sayng out there. let it flow. and I follow this when in my ranting mood, not sure if infact it's worth following or not. Heh, watch me type, watch me think.

I have no grammar anymore, I'm like a burning star. burning as I fall. Poetic? Neglectful? lord help me, I think i should sleep more. but I can't sleep, i'm dreaming awake. Awake enough to keep this little rant up for just a bit longer. let it flow, feel it flow.

When you talk, it's best to think before you do so but now, this is my every thought. Everything I am thinking is coming out and I'm not sure I'm exactly happy about it. i mean, would you be if suddenly you were uncovered for what you are? What are you anyway? What am i? Lord, I only hope I'm normal. people either embrace normality or shun it. But in the end, we are all living, breathing human beings and we cannot escape this. not yet anyway. But even so, we're all different.

Snow flakes, much like snow flakes. Or finger prints. We're so changing, and different and pure and naive and loving and vengeful and perfect...Can you see us as perfect? I can. I can see eacha and everyone of you as perfect, myself included because we are each a perfect one of our selves, exactly as we are.

Alright, calming down alittle and ending my rant. Enjoy my insanity for a while.

 

Hey, take it easy.

Sometimes i've felt this (or something similar to the) emptiness that you mention. I was told that in prayer you start to know yourself. You are a human being, and if you think that being human is being empty, I'm glad to correct you.

You say you believe in God but not by choice. Maybe it's by nature? If a God exists that created us, then he created us with the innate knowledge of his existence. See, I believe we were created with one purpose in life: love. When we don't love and/or we're not loved, we feel miserable and empty.

Love is compassion, caring for other people and helping them achieve happiness. In that sense, i think i do love you, like other people. *hugs*

Don't despair, k?

Maybe what you're experiencing is the so-called "unbearable lightness of being". At some point, EVERYONE is going through this phase. Knowing that our life has been empty, hollow, without a sense. We grew up obeying, and believing what we're told. Doing what everyone does, so we just end up being like a leaf in the water, moving according to the flow.

Maybe it's time to analyze ourselves and think: What do I want to do? Is there anything worth doing in the world?
But this question can't be answered by ourselves. You need to open yourself to the world, walk out and see how you can improve the world you live in - even by a little.

It's the time for discovery. Trust me, you'll love it

God bless.

 

Listen

Listen to what he says, Lucky/Chance. Don't worry about getting things named. In the end, if something is so great or so small, it may not be named at all. Like people. You can't just name someone like the name they are given. Some times, they are much more than just their name and its not possible to name them just like that. Don't think you can't still make some thing of yourself. Remember what I said, if I become the only one that still has hope, then at least it won't go away.