Humour a looong joke

all right I have this joke I want to share and I think this is the only proper place to put it.(the humour forum)
all right here it goes:

One day a teacher was asking the kids what they wanted to be and they didnt know.
So she told them "all right pick one thing you like from my body and I'll tell you what you'll be when you grow up,
the first kid said "your teeth because there all white and clean" so the teacher said "you'll be a dentist when you grow up"
the second kid said "your eyes because they look beautiful" so the teacher tells him "you'll be an eye doctor when you grow up
the third kid said "your hair because it is long" so the teacher says "you'll be a cosmotoligist when you grow up"
then the teacher asked the forth kid what he liked and he said "I allready know what I'm gonna be, I'll be MILKING COWS when I grow up".

get it?

 

Good for a chuckle, but once the teacher said "pick one thing you like from my body" i could tell what some little kid was going to pick, just didn't expect the milking cows part.

 

I was hoping to turn this thread into a loooong joke thread so any body that has some good jokes may post them here
(unless if the moderatores say you cant, if you cant please let me know about it)

 

heh thats pretty funny. and the "pick a part of my body" thing is pretty obvious but it's still funny. and a joke? hmmm...alrighty its a blond joke but still pretty funny.

A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"

 

The cops were instructed to clean up the neighbourhood so it was dead easy when one drunk staggered towards a constable and said:"Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"
The cop replied, "One o'clock," and hit him once over the head with his baton.
"Jeezus", said the drunk, "I'm glad i didnt ask you an hour ago."

 

haha those are some funny jokes, heres another one i remember
(no offence to the beautiful blonds, i didn't make this one up)

A boy was doing this stand up job as a comedian in a bar, he had a puppet and it kept on making blond jokes. A blond in the audiance got very anger and stood up and yelled at him for saying all those jokes, so the boy said "Im sorry" but the blond replied "I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the midget on your lap!"

 

ha! that's kinda funny...

but i don't get the one with the police man and the drunk guy...

 

he he these are funny,the one with the police man and the drunk guy, you see the drunk asked for the time and the cop told him 1 so he hit him once, but an hour ago it would have been 12

 

OOOOOOOOOO, I get it now. The police and the drunk guy joke. Lol.
Here's one you might have already heard it:

A doctor was having an affar with his nurse when suddenly the nurse became pregnant. The doctor didn't want his wife to find out so he bought the nurse a plane ticket to Italy and told her to have the baby there.
Before the nurse left she asked the doctor, "How will I tell you when the baby is born?"
The doctor replied, "Just send me a postcard with the word 'spagetti' on it.
So the nurse left for Italy.
After about 8 months later, the doctor recieved a phone call from his wife while he was at work.
She told him that he had recieved a strange postcard today from Italy.
The doctor said he would come home right away, wanting to know about the baby.
When the doctor got home he read the postcard and had a heart attack.
The wife called the hospital and the paramedics arrived.
Before they left, they asked the wife what would have caused the heart attack.
She said, " I don't know, he just read this postcard."
She handed it to the paramedic.
The paramedic read it and it said:
"4 orders of spagetti. 2 with meatballs and sausages, 2 without.

 

So, anyway,

Two guys walk into a bar. I really thought the second one would have ducked.

An alternate version:

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch."

 

These really aren't that funny... especially Shinryu's though I get the feeling that he's not trying to be funny and just crying out for attention because his "multiple personality" skit didn't work out for it.

Is that all you guys got?

 

Ehhhh, this isn't exactly crack up material, but it's one of the few "child acceptable" jokes I have stored...


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

I just found this one about five minutes ago, and I couldn't resist including it ^_^

One day George W. Bush and **** Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

 

jokes about drunks

Fred woke his wife. "Its a miracle", he said. "You wouldnt believe it Muriel. I just went for a leak and the light came on by itself. Didnt touch the switch. Had a leak and as soon as i left the light went out. Untouched by human hands . Its a miracle." His wife gave an understanding sigh. "For goodness sake go to bed, Fred. It wasnt a miracle. You've pissed in the fridge again."

Jake was chuckling to himself at the bar. "Whats the joke?" asked the barman. Jake said the joke was on his rival Fred. "I have just learned that Fred is paying my Missus $20 for her to sleep with him. She sleeps with me for nothing."

 

Yeah, you got it. Those were the first ones to come to my mind. I'm not much of a joking person. What can I say? Sooner or later I'll remember a good one.

[EDIT]Most of my jokes are spur-of-the-moment type things that are funny when they happen, but, out of context, they mean nothing.

For Example, I was talking to my co-workers about joy-buzzers, you know, those things that shock you when you touch them, and, while doing this, covertly slipped a black glove on my hand. Then, I cut off my sentence and said, "Hey, shake my hand." She refused, saying I had one of them. I said, "Don't worry about it, just shake hands." So she did, though a bit hesitantly. And... nothing happened! I didn't have one on! Scared her about it, though.

See, not funny, right?

 

haha, thats pretty good, I was wondering why the postcard made him have a heart attack and when I read the end I thought it was pretty good! good job


*SA*

 

why dont you post one?_?

all right heres another one I know(I know allot 'cept there old and it takes me a while to remember them)
edit:BE WARNED IT HAS SOME BAD LANGUAGE, CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18, DO NOT READ

On thanks giving this boy walked into the kithcen and his mom was stuffing the chicken and she pocked herself with a bone and she said said "F*ck"
so the boy asked "mommy what does 'f*ck' mean?"
the mom replied "oh it only means stuffing the turky"
then the boy went up stairs into the bothroom and his dad cut himself and said "sh*t"
and the boy asked "daddy what does 'sh*t' mean?"
the dad answerd "that means shaving"
so then the door bell rings and the mother says the @$$holes are here and she asks the kid to get teh door, so boy goes to answer it and see's his uncle and the uncle ask's "whats your parents doing?"
"hello @$$holes my mommies f*cking the turky and my daddies sh*ting himself"

I think thats how it went (cant remember)