Creative Writing Beginning of a story.

Hi everybody. Um, this is my second thread so I thought I would start here.


The door is shut in a dark bedroom with little light. It is early in the morning, the sun yet to rise fully. Blue and red lights find their way through curtains. Blood dripped from the ceiling below, the carpet to soaked to capacity like the ground in a hard rain. Neighbors waking to sirens and coming from their homes. The police entered the house and looked around, slowy moving room to room. They found saw the blood in the living room.
*Upstairs*-One officer said to the rest

They walked the gloom filled stairs, and went through the tattered hallway. Pictures lying on the ground, broken frames and glass littered. Smeared blood on the door. They tried to open it, but locked and barracaded with a dresser. Taking the door off and moving the dresser with ease, a huge puddle of red soaked in white carpet greeted them. A bed with no pillows or sheets, a closet with no clothes and a desk with no papers or pens. Another desk with a tv set to static and a computer with a blown monitor.

*Check the neighbors, and find out who lives here*-Officer in charge
*Yes sir*-Officer no.2
*My god what happened here?*-Officer in charge
*We checked the house, and found nothing. No bodies, no clothes in any closets. The bathroom has nothing in it either.*-Officer no.3
*Ok, set up a perimiter for the press and onlookers.*-Officer in charge
*Yes sir*-Officer no.3

4 hours later a man walks in a jewlers and pulls a gun on the clerk. He notions towards the display of the best diamonds in the case. As soon as the clerk gets them out, the trigger is pulled and his soul left him. The call of the alarm goes off when his body falls into the display. Minutes later police show up to find the clerk shaking and scared.

*We found out who owns the house sir, a.. David Sleegin.*-Officer no.2
*Good, I was ordered to a jewlery store downtown. Finish up here*-Officer in charge
*Yes sir*-Officer no.2

The officer in charge arrives at the store, to find the man who pulled the gun dead in the display. Shattered glass and small diamonds mixed together with blood. He asks another officer if the man had any I.D. on him.

*Yes sir, he did. He had a wallet with a license and some credit cards. The name is.. John Sleegin. Age 51, lives at 485 Spooner St.
*Hmph. He looks about 30. Strange. Bag him and file his possesions. We should find something on him, thanks.*-Officer in charge.
*Yes sir*-Officer

A half drank bottle of liquor is on a bar table, a shot glass empty. The bar is a older place, calm with about 15 residents. Reminiscant of the good 'ol days. A broken Jukebox and worn out seats. Old used pool table with missing balls and a grey haired bartender with a cigar in his rotten teeth.


Sorry, but that is all I can think of right now. Criticism is welcome, I want to know my mistakes and hopefully better them, thanks for reading that.

 

wow...i want more..and thats saying something... cause its hard to get me caught these days... need... more....

 

I like it. I think you should continue, I would like to know what happens next.

 

Continue of the Story

*Smoke?*-Bartender
*Yeah, sure. I don't know Bill, today has been a strange day.*-Officer in Charge
*Well, that's the line of work you're in John, you got to deal with weird things sometimes. Just like I deal with weirdos once in a while. Just got to move on.*-Bill
*Yeah, you're right. So when are you ever gonna fix this dump up, hehehe?*-John laughing somewhat tiresome
*I thought you were, you live here. Hehe. So hows the grandkid John?*-Bill
*Oh, he's a handsome little guy, you can tell where he got his looks.*-John
*Where, his mother? Hehehehe*-Bill

A particular ringing noise arrupts the converstion. John pulls his cell phone from his jacket and puts his index finger notioning to hang on a second.
*Alright, alright, yes sir.*-John muttered and then the phone slid back into his pocket.
*I got to get going, the boss needs me.*-John
*Alright, you want the drinks on you tab?*-Bill
*Yeah, you're the kind of friend everyone needs, hehehe.*-John
*Yeah yeah I know, your tab is big enough to fix this place up. See ya later John*-Bill

The overcast clouds look like rain is coming tonight. John looks back at the door of his car, dented and full of rust. A '78 Cadillac with three hubcaps, faded tan and a cracked windshield. A relic, living breathing proof that everything good, no matter how ugly will live for years. A blur of lights and time passes as he pulls onto the seemingly abandoned freeway. Mile marker 25, 3 police cars and a BMW suv sit on the shoulder.

*We got a call, some motorist saw the suv with it's hazards on. So he stopped to make sure everything was alright and saw blood on the windows.*-Officer no.1
*Ok, run the plates yet?*-John
*Yes sir, it belongs to a... David Sleegin*-Officer no.2
*Ok, don't touch the car. We need to get it to forensics now. Get a towtruck down here, make sure nothing happens to it. I have to go to the 'Castle'*-John
*Yes sir*-Officer no.1

Jumping in the relic, he turns and goes through the grassy noll of a median. Hearing the old engine roar for several hundred meters said enough. Faster and faster, the open road with no apparent speed limit stood no chance. Road lights went by every second like a over-exsposed picture. Minutes later he pulled off the freeway, sliding to the right. Rear end coming out, tires squeeling in the mist The light in the window on, running redlights. Pulling into the precinct, he runs to his desk grabbing all the files on David Sleegin he had. Anything to help. Nothing. No police record. He was clean. The phone on his desk rang.
*Officer Gloan please?*-An older sounding female voice on the phone
*This is him.*-John
*Oh, this is the coroners, we did blood tests on your Jewlery man, we have some interesting results. You need to get down here*-Phone voice
*I'll be there as soon as I can.*-John

He hung the phone up and put his files back in the desk. Standing and turning to wade through the mess of desks, he looked around decided to grab some coffee first. *MMm, old and warm, tasty.* He tossed the paper cup in the garbage and left. Getting in his car, he decided not to try and beat time in a race to the coroner. Showing up, he flashed his badge to go to the autopsy room.


That's all I can do right now. Please, criticize. I know it is kind of long, but I didn't want it to be really short. Thanks for reading.

 

It's good, I just don't think you really need to do each chapter, or part of the story on different threads.

-Seishin

 

Well, it's just a short story. I can only do limited parts at a time. I think it will only be 4 or 5 parts. I will try and do as much as I can in one thread. Sorry if I am not supposed to do it that way.

 

Pretty good thus far. I take it you don't want to discribe anyone? That is one thing I think is missing. But it is your story. Grammar and spelling are all fine.

It is fine doing it in one thread. BB would like that.

 

Sorry I haven't done anymore of the story, I have been busy lately. Well, here goes another part.

Walking in a brightly lit room, white walls, white floor tile. Bright lights everywhere, a couple of tables, empty. A women in a white lab coat, and latex gloves walks in behind him.
*I didn't see you when I came in. So, what is it?*-John
*Well, I told you on the phone the blood tests were strange. Unfortunately I lied to get you down here.*-Coroner
*What?*-John
*You need to see this in person*-Coroner
The coroner pulls a handle and a giant tray slides out with a body on it. She pulls the sheet down some to uncover the face.
*What the hell?!?*-John
The face was dark grey, cracked and missing the eyes. The hair was falling out in clumps and an ear fell off.
*I don't know how to explain it. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I went to cut his chest and it caved in. There were no vital organs... nothing inside but ribs that fell apart like old charcoal. Then the skin turned grey like that a couple minutes later.*-Coroner
She pulled the sheet down some more to expose a hollowed chest. A strange smell filled the surrounding air. John walked away trying not to gag from it.
*Do you have any clues to what happened, blood... tissue samples, anything to test?*-John

A cell phone rings and John pulls his phone from his pocket and answers it.
*Yes, yes ok. I'll be there asap.*-John hangs up and slides it back in his pocket. *I have to go. Let me know if you find anything.*
*Ok, will do if I find anything remotely close to helpful.*-Coroner

The drive seemed to melt John's mind, the sun rising-burning his eyes. Another day comes and another night John had lost. Pulling into a driveway, the same one that started yesterday. Why am I back here? John thinks as he gets out of his car.
*Sir, we were in the basement and Officer Maught found a small trap door leading to a tunnel. Him and Officer Gold checked it out and crawled into it, and 10 maybe 12 minutes later we heard gunshots and we lost radio frequency with them. We have had 4 officers gaurding the tunnel since.*-Officer
*Ok, call for 3 or 4 more cars. I am going to check it out, and don't let anyone in the house*-John
*Yes sir*-Officer
John walks into the house and finds his way to the basement steps. Carefully walking down the old, rustic stairs he see the four officers with guns drawn watching the small strap door. Waiting to shoot anything that comes out. He makes his way through the box filled room, open floor joices filled with dead cobwebs, 2 lights hanging from the ceiling. John walks and the other officers look at him, almost simultaniously holstering their weapons. He knows the details, so he tells 2 of the officers to follow him in the tunnel. He opens the little door and uses his maglight to see if he can see anything. Nothing, but a dirt floored tunnel with the occaisional mouse.
*Follow me, stay close and don't shoot at anything. We don't know what is at the other end.*-John said with a hint of fear.
Shaking and nervous, he craws into the tunnel, dark and cold. Only 3 feet high and 4 feet wide, a claustrophobics nightmare. 40 feet into it-it opens up into a lgigantic chamber with stone steps leading down. Three flashlights pointing in all different directions. Giant stone pillars seem to hold the ceiling up, dirt covered stone walls with huge spider webs fill the space between the pillars. 6 big open doorways on the walls, where ever they lead the John doesn't want to know. Old candles on the wall leading down the steps. One of the officers pulls out a lighter and lit a candle.
*Good idea, light all the candles we come across, the more light we have the better.*-John
He feels as though there is something with them, something they can't see.
The three walk slowly down the steps for about 5 minutes lighting all the candles so far, about 15. One of the officers notices blood mixed with dirt farther down. They make haste to get down there, to find the mixture of dirt and blood and a pistol off to the side.
*Officers down, call for back up now. Officers down.*-John
One of the officers tries his radio and nothing, the room is blocking all reception. *Sir, I am getting nothing on the radio.* Officer
The radio starts to static and a deep, growling voice, comes over the static in a language unknown to them. *Ish UUrk Nocght Arrduth Ayaght Nulk* An loud deep evil laugh eckoes through the chambers. A noise comes from down the steps and then footsteps. Thud... thud... thud... they point their flashlights down the steps and see two small reflections 6 feet high.

Well, that is all I can do right now, I will be back later to do another part. Please people, criticism.

 

I was going to put a comment earlier. This is awesome, your freakin awesome. Please do continue..oh well..the only thing i can critisize it to say stop asking for it when you don't need it ^_-

 

Hrm, indeed. This is scattered, but not bad at all. I'm curious to see where you go with this now.

~W

 

I am so sorry I haven't wrote in forever, I lost my internet and just got it back on. Like I said, I am sorry. Ok, so... let me do some more of this.

They look at the reflections for a few seconds and it clicks. Reflections from someones eyes.
*Officer Maught, is that you?*- John asked
*Bobby, is that you man? Answer me damnit.*-Officer

Slowly but clearly, a bloody figure makes it's way up the steps towards the men, moaning in pain and agony.
*Sh-awn... kill... ... me... kill... me*- Bobby starts to breathe very fast and deep. He staggers for a moment, and falls foward into the stairs.

Hoilstering his weapon, Shawn rushes down the few remaining stairs in between them. Trying to comfort him, telling him everything is going to be alright, a cold breeze rushes through the room blowing some candles out. Bobby's eyes close and he spits up blood, the breathing stops and light comes from a tunnel at the bottom of the steps. It catches Johns attention and he quickly points his gun and flashlight towards the seemingly dim light that is continuingly growing brighter and brighter.

A shadow grows from the light, something is coming from the entrance. With the same limp movements as Bobby John fears it is Gold and what these men found destroyed them, and is about to do the same to him and the other two officers. Seconds later they hear noise coming from the top of the steps, and beams of light start to fill the catacomb. Back-up, and from the look of it, they needed it. A few minutes later, all of the back-up finished coming from the tunnel, about 12 swat members and a couple more officers. The room was filled with interwoven beams of light, filling the dark cavern.

John filled them all in on the situation and he looked back down towards the light and shadow, the pair was gone. He tried to figure out what happened to it, and for a second he thought it was his imagination. No, it couldn't be imagination, especially in a place like this. John decided it was time to finish the trip down to the bottom and once there he decided that all of them should stay together, not split up as suggested by the swat leader. He decided to go down the path where the light and shadow originated, leading the team, all weapons drawn waiting for the worst. The tunnel was especially cramped and dark and mildewy. The rancid smell of death reaked through-out it. 3 feet wide yet endlessly high, cobwebs made a make shift ceiling and with the occaisonal rat scurrying under them acting as if running away from something the tunnel felt as if it were a mile long death trap waiting to happen.

John threw the stop signal up, and crouched, followed by the rest.
*Do you hear that?*-John whispered. *It sounds like torture with a rag cover to muffle screams.*
*Yeah, I hear it. What do you think it is John?*-Swat leader whispered back with curiosity and fear.
*Not sure, this is where youre training kicks in. I want everyone to stay low and silent*- John whispered to the group.
Shawn makes his way to the front of the group and asks John *Do you think what ever happened to Bobby happened down there?*
John didn't answer because be knew Shawn already knew what John would say. Shawn stood up and started running down the tunnel.
*Shawn, get back here now!*John tried to whisper, but it didn't help. Flashlights were all pointed towards the front and for a split second and thin reflection shot across the hall and Shawn stopped running. Again, another thin reflection shot across and Shawn's arms fell to the ground, and then the top half of his head slid foward and his torso slid back and fell apart.

That is it for tonight, mainly because it is 2 in the morning. I will work on more tommarow.