Humour Jokes

Post some funny jokes here.
any kinds of jokes.
post them here.

Rules(with a suggestion from basher.)
only 3 short jokes.
only 2 medium length jokes.
only 1 long joke.
1 short and 1 medium joke

follow one of the rules please. thanks.
(This starts after post 3 cause i didn't put the rules in until after post 3)

 

Okay. I am up for it.

Redneck jokes everyone has got to love them. Maybe only allow three at a time that are short or one long one?

1. Q. What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A. You know someone is going to lose a trailor.

2. Southern University Psychology

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

3. Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?

A: Prom.

Come on now some were funny people. ^_^

 

thanks for suggestion Basher. I will put that in the first post changed a little to.

Joke 1:
3 guys walk into a bar.
3 minuets later.
Ouch!

Joke 2:
A guy goes to a doctor and says"Doctor i think i am dying."
the doctor asks why.
he replies"Everywhere i touch it hurts. Touch my arm it hurts. touch my stomach it hurts. touch my leg it hurts. am i dying?"
doctor look at him a minuet and says"You have a broken finger."

 

Q. How does every racist joke start?
A. *looks around*


Hitler's Mom: Adolf, drink your juice, honey.
Baby Hitler: NO! I DUN LIEK JEWS!
^=- And that's how it all started


One day, a father was watching television with his three daughters when one asked: "Daddy, why'd you name me what you named me?"
He replied, "Well, Rose, when you were born, on our way back I got your mother a dozen roses and a rose petal fell on your head and we thought it'd be cute to name you Rose."

So the second daughter asks, "Daddy, why'd you name me what you named me?"
To this he replied, "Well, Lilly, when you were born, on our way back I got your mother a dozen lillies and a lilly petal fell on your head and we thought it'd be cute to name you Lilly."

So the third daughter asks, "Duhdoindarthpptgahoonaturanameme."
And to this, the father replied, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

 

A duck walks into a hardware store and asks, "You got any duck food?" The clerk looks up from his Playboy and looks the duck over. "This is a hardware store, son, we don't carry duck food here." The duck nods and leaves.

The duck walks back into the store the next day, and taps on the counter. "Got any duck food?" he asks. The clerk scowls at him. 'Dammit, I told you yesterday, we don't carry duck food!" The duck nods and walks out.

The next day, the duck comes in again. "Got any duck food?" he asks. The clerk scowls. "I'm not gonna keep telling you this every day! We don't carry duck food, and if you come in here asking for duck food one more time I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck flies out.

The next day, the duck walks in, and taps on the counter. "Got any nails?" the duck asks. The clerk shakes his head. "No, we sold our last box just an hour ago." The duck pauses for a moment, looks the clerk over, and asks, "...got any duck food?"

 

Okay, I'm stealing this from my sister's best friend. :shy3:

Q: Why do elephants paint their toes red?
A: So that they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works well, huh.

 

two sailors meet in a bar and start chatting together. the younger one notices the other has a pegleg, a hook and and an eyepatch.
"how did you get the pegleg?" he asks
"ooh arh oi got that when oi fell overboard and a shark bit it off" the older replied.
"wow! incredible! what about the hook?"
"ooh arh that was when indians cut off me hand for stealin"
"that's amazing! and the eyepatch?"
the older sailor sighed. "Well...it was my first day with the hook."

 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: TO GET TO THE OTHER SLIDE!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... oh I'm killing myself here...... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... hold on a minute.. just let me pull myself together.

All right *breathes deeply*, I think I'm all right now.

 

You might be a redneck if....

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.

You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.