Creative Writing Just for You (poem)

this is a poem i wrote which i entitled:

Just for You

As I lay in this field of blood red grass
I slit my wrist with shattered glass,
The pain within me you cannot cure
It's grown so hard that I can't endure,
This field grows darker everyday
The gorund seeps of blood wherever I stay,
Do you know where this ground is on which I stand?
It's anywhere and everywhere, but slowly, it's begining to expand,
So, who will care as to what I did?
On my own life that I just shut the lid,
If you won't care that this can't be undone
You've just handed me a loaded gun,
Since I know you are being untrue
I'll use this one shot, but just for you.

please leave some comments... C&C are accepted.

 

Hey man nice work.

I like it, it starts strong and finishes strong. The images are great, really paints a picture.

One thing, the meter seems to go a little awry in the middle, lines 7 and 8.

Just a little constructive crit.

All in all, sweet *** poem.

 

Wow, very powerful. You obviously have a knack for this! I agree with Artemis, though, something wasn't quite right about the 7th and 8th lines. Other then that, excellent!!!

 

That... that... that was very beautiful! *sniffle* It was very well writen! You should keep writing these types of poems, or even go for a different aspect... overall... I loved it! :anime:

 

Dude, what a great poem. I can somewhat relate to it....( not that i cut my wrists or anything like that. I cant stand physical pain because it hurts lol)

 

Hmm. I'm going to be a bit straight-forward about this and try to set aside my dislike for poems based entirely around suicide and death. As two other people said, lines seven and eight seemed off beat with the rest of it and much too drawn out. The ends words seemed to be almost forced so that they rhyme, and the lines are worded in an awkward manner to just try and accomodate the rhyming scheme. The euphemisms for death seem to be a bit over-played in this, making it seem like the entire basis of the poem, as it keeps coming back (though then again something I did back when I was in my attention-craving "suicide" phase, which I've thankfully grown out of ). But then again, at the end it seems to have taken a complete turn around to what could possibly be misinterpretted as homicide which is just kind of disturbing.

I think that's about it.

Maybe try something a bit more cheerful, or a neutral stance, some time.

 

I'm not sure what I think of this one, but that's only because it's not the sort of poem I tend to go for in the first place :sweat2: .
It's very dark and you kept the mood steady throughout the piece, however I think you could broaden it out a little more. Comments have already been made on lines 7 and 8 so won't go into those, but you should be proud of yourself for producing a very very good poem indeed! :catgirl: