Creative Writing My first story

Hey this is gonna be my first story so please give me a break and reply bak when u read it will take me a while though to have it posted so please give me some time.

OH and when they speak in japanese ill put the english in parenthesis.

 

Ok heres is chapter one





Chapter 1


Leon was staying after school (like he usually does) thinking about when he was younger. He had a long time till he would be able to leave. Leon was eighteen, he had long black hair, one red and one black eye, he was five foot eleven inches, but he was also a demon (so was his girlfriend and family) but he was a half-breed, which meant he was part human, and demon. Leon sighed as he looked at the almost fake morning sky. There was a sudden cracking noise, Leon jolted up, “Who’s goes there?” Leon asked.

Runa ran out from the shadows her eyes soaked with tears and her heart bleeding with pain, “Leon,” she said in a trembling voice, “Please save me from the pain that haunts my heart.” She said as she nestled her head into his body.

Leon looked at her as he wiped the tears from her eyes, he smiled, “I’ll ease you from your pain, and I’ll make you happy again.” Leon said as he held her close to his heart.

Runa looked up at him and closed her eyes and rested her head on his body, “Thank you Leon.”

Leon looked up puzzled, “Darn I forgot the line.” Leon said.

“Call it quits for now, that was very good you two, I’ll see you next audition.” The theater art instructor said in delight.

“Thank you for giving us this chance.” Runa said as she grabbed Leon and they ran out the door.

Leon and Runa walked side-by-side not saying a word to each other. Leon looked to Runa. He loved everything about her, her long brown hair, her baby blue eyes, her five foot nine inch stature, “Watashi ren’ai suru anata.” (I love you) Leon said as they got to her house.

“Watashi ren’ai suru anata mo.” (I love you too) Runa said as she kissed him good-bye and she walked up to her house door.

Leon continued walking to his house looking at his surroundings. It started to rain when Leon was halfway to his doorstep. He opened the door and walked in he was all soaked and his clothes stuck on to his muscular figure, “Ookami, I’m home!” Leon yelled as he took off his shoes.

Ookami walked out of the kitchen and smiled, “Finally, why do you always stay after school? Oh by the way… it’s raining.” He said in a sarcastic way.
Leon eyed Ookami, “Yah thanks for the news… I would have never known.” Leon said as he threw his bag on the floor.

Ookami was Leon’s older brother he was twenty-one, he had short spiked black hair, emerald eyes, and he was five foot ten inches. “Hey Leon?” Ookami said.

Leon looked at him with a puzzled look, “Yah, sure bro, what is it?” Leon answered back still puzzled.

Ookami looked at the floor then at Leon, “Do you know what happened to mom and dad?”

Leon’s eyes shot open in suprisment, “Nani? Naze suru anata kiku?” (What? Why do you ask?).

Ookami looked down to the floor, “I was just wandering.”

“I’m sorry bro, but I don’t know, and your older then me you should know. What made you ask anyways?” Leon said as he got out his homework.

“I was just thinking about when we were younger... that’s all.”

“Wow that’s weird I was doing that too... remember when we got hurt mom used to rub our cut and... What was the name of the village we used to live in?” Leon asked as he was doing his homework.

“Black Crater,” Ookami said as he got the food off the stove, “Why do you ask?”

“Don’t know... Oh but remember how mom also kissed our cuts and she would say, “You’ll never be strong if you let a cut like that hurt you”” eon said as he looked up at the food.

Ookami put the dishes on the table, “Yah I do, oh by the way dinner’s ready.”

“O.K. I’m almost done.” Leon said as he was finishing his homework.

They said nothing to each other while they ate. Leon looked at Ookami and sighed; Ookami looked at Leon and responded his sigh with a blank look. “What’s wrong bro, you’re usually in a good mood.” Ookami said as he put the dishes up.

“I miss mom,” Leon cried out, “She was always there to protect me when I needed it now I have no one.” He said as a tear fell down his face.

“ Yes you do I swore to mom if anything were to happen to her that I would protect you and care for you, and I will keep that promise,” Ookami said as he walked up to Leon and wiped away his tears, “It’s gonna be o.k. bro trust me I’m her for you no matter what happens.”

It was late at night. Leon looked at Ookami and sighed, “I’m goin to bed I’ll see you in the morning. Good night Ookami.” Leon said as he headed to his room.

“Good night bro I’ll see you in the morning.”





Hope you like it please reply bak

 

to rate it, some backround info...

i couldn't exactly rate it now or give you much feedback. some minor info would be helpful if you wish to have help.

here's what would be neat::
1. is this gonna be a long story, with only several chapters or a really long and wavy tale?
- if it is short, then you have made a reasonable approach. you introducd the main pc and are on a steady track to the (i hope) complication.
- if this is gonna be like some chick-flick, long, wavy and the main pc will be facing complication after complication, then this was not the right approach. To make a long and still interesting story, one needs to slowly to introduce the cast of characters, and then, gradually get to the complication. Don't worry, i kinda started like this too.
2. my personal suggestion would be to try and focus on "short stories". basically 800-1800 word long stories. Best thing about them is they are easier, a LOT more easier to read, and would be more forum board friendly. no one wants to go to the boards and read 100+ pages of stories. that's where netbooks come in.
3. try and focus in on the main character extensively. basically in every thing he/she does, always keep in mind his or her most valued aims in life (or unlife, if the case may be). this makes it interesting and keeps the "Goosh, this is boring, since it is complication, after complication being fixed and yayayayadiayadia..." idea out of the readers head. always try to enforce the most imporant values to your main character.


hope this story comes out good,
drop in sometime and post your next chapter, it would be much appreciated...


(i'll post a story a friend of mine wrote. you could use it as a "template", if that's what it may be called...)


till then,

 

The Story - A Dance of Swords

Each swing brought the dancers closer together. Their blades touched with a spark, then whisked away. The floor was covered in sweat; each warrior knew that one wrong step would bring a terrible end to their beautiful dance. The audience that they held in captivation was of no concern to them. All that mattered was the dance.
* * * * Anna's mind spun as quickly as her partner's rapier. The two had only begun learning the dance of swords six weeks prior. Nimblest of Master Hoshin's students, Anna and John were chosen to perform for the king and queen upon their ascension to the throne. The first week of training left both students with a number of bruises. They had trained to use their weapons to defend their brethren, to slaughter invading orcs. Each attack had to be relearned, to stop the blades within inches of each other. Though John and Anna used training weapons, each blow caused excruciating pain. Armor was not an option. Hoshin would never allow his students to encumber themselves. "Armor slows movement, ruins the dance." For two weeks, they used the training weapons, but they no longer needed them by the second.
* * * * Though John and Anna had trained together under Hoshin, they had never before talked to one another. Both were too involved with Hoshin's lessons to participate in conversation. With the dance of swords, however, they came to realize that their relationship would be key to their success. "In order to know the dance, one must know one's partner." They started with the basic information: where they were from, how old they were, their favorite meal. Anna found out that John had moved from Gilapis just so he could receive training under Hoshin. John discovered that Anna was a native of Shinka, and was the daughter of an innkeeper. The further along in training, the more one learned of the other. Their hopes, their fears, all was laid bare by the final day of training.
* * * * Their training done, they packed aboard a wagon and headed North to Eol Ridge. It was a week's ride to get to Shinka, and two more to make it to the palace. Anna and John continued to train, before bed at night and after breakfast in the morning. They arrived at the palace with a day to spare. The coronation would occur at noon, and all were invited to attend the reception in the palace ballroom for a bit of entertainment afterward. Anna and John put off training for their final day, knowing they would need their strength for the performance.
* * * * The coronation was extravagant, but beautiful. Gnomish fireworks were set off, despite the bright sun high overhead. Confetti covered everything and everyone. The king and queen were dressed spectacularly. Anna watched a procession go by her window at the inn as she changed into her outfit. Made by the elves from the Donari Forest, the cloth was a deep green woven silk. She had purchased the outfit at Gilapis on their way through the town, hoping to surprise her partner. She particularly liked the way it sparkled as she spun around. She put on her sword belt, and took one last look into her full length mirror before heading downstairs to meet with John. He was there, waiting for her, wearing the same shirt and pants that he wore from day one of training. Strangely, he didn't appear at all surprised when Anna came downstairs in her new costume.
* * * * Upon arrival at the palace, the two dancers were escorted to the ballroom. Both dancers were stunned at the sheer size of the ballroom. Two hundred people could easily fit onto the dance floor, and another hundred could pack around it. There was also a balcony, with room for at least fifty. It was on the balcony that Anna spotted the king and queen. A large number of guests had already made their way into the room, and more came filing in with every minute. The band in the far corner was playing a slow melody, and folks from all walks of life were dancing to it. The guard that had escorted the two dancers took his leave of them and walked up the spiral staircase to announce them to the king and queen. After only a short while, the room was feeling quite packed, and guards at the door were turning folks away with an apology.
* * * * The queen stood at that point and spoke with a regal, elegant voice. "Guests, I thank you for coming to our coronation. We are honored to have such loyal subjects, and fondly hope that your loyalty never waivers. As a sign of our appreciation, we have arranged for two dancers to perform for you today. They have been trained by a man known throughout the human lands for his skill with sword and feet, Master Hoshin. Now, I ask all of those on the dance floor to move off to the sides to make room. And I caution you, the dance they are about to perform is both difficult and dangerous."
* * * * Everyone piled off of the dance floor, those closest to the stairs moving to the balcony to make room for others. This was the cue for Anna and John. With one deep breath, Anna took the stage, hand in hand with John. They reached the center, bowed to the king and queen, bowed to one another, and unsheathed their blades. The dance began slowly, the warriors circling one another, blades meeting in the center. John's six foot frame dwarfed Anna's 5 foot 6 inch body, but they looked as equals in this battle. They slid closer together as they spun, nearly coming face to face. "I saw you at camp, holding that dress up to your body when you thought nobody else was looking." Anna tried to hold back her embarrassment, but her cheeks started to turn bright red. "I think you look beautiful in it."
* * * * With that, they spun away from each other, their blades coming off of each other for the first time since they began the dance. Two swings of the blade, one low and one high, both times stopped in the middle and spun away. Anna tried to stay focused on the dance, but little thoughts entered her mind. (Does John? like me?) Anna swung high and John ducked under the blade, returning to swing at Anna's feet. Anna danced backward as she stopped his rapier mid swing. (Do I? like John?) Another swing, the blades meeting and going flat. A flip of the wrist, and the blades parted with a spark. (Is this? love?)
* * * * Anna had never thought to consider John anything more than a partner. There was no time for idle thoughts during practice. But now that she took a good look at him, Anna realized that she was attracted to him. His brown hair, cut just above the neck, always looking perfect despite the rigorous training. His stunning blue eyes, inviting her in to spend eternity. His perfectly straight nose, his dashing smile, his blade coming at her face?
* * * * A quick parry and she was back in reality. She swung high, he parried. He swung low, she jumped the blade. They swung together, and spun away from one another. Simultaneously, they flipped backwards, then John spun around to cut high. Rapier met rapier as Anna blocked behind her back. Anna turned in time to stop another thrust from her partner, and return with her own. He blocked, and they stood for a time at an impasse.
* * * * Anna made a move with her free hand to move her hair out of her face, but stopped herself when she remembered that she had been forced to cut it short for the performance. She was wondering how her hair looked to John. She realized then that she was blushing again. John winked at her and resumed the dance, stepping in with a thrust. Anna easily dodged to the side and took a swing at John's head. The audience gasped, knowing that John couldn't put up a defense in time. She stopped the blade just short of John's face, as she had done so many times before. She brought the blade back, and parried a thrust by John. Each of them took a swing at the other's left side and missed by mere inches, then spun right and stopped their blades at their partner's right side.
* * * * It was then that Anna noticed the thin red line on John's left cheek. From it came a trickle of blood. They continued on, blade meeting blade time and again. When their eyes met, Anna tried to mouth an apology. In return, John shrugged, then made a sweep at her feet with his rapier. Anna jumped the sword, then ducked as it came around towards her neck. The dance was nearly over, but it felt as though it had just begun.
* * * * The two began circling each other again, with a flurry of blows that brought the two close to one another. Close enough to feel his breath upon her hair. Close enough to touch his lips with her own. Close enough?
* * * * With a final spin, the dance was over. The dancers sheathed their blades, bowed to the king and queen, then bowed to one another. A roar of approval escaped from the crowd, but all the dancers' could hear were the beating of their hearts. They embraced one another as the band took up a cord, and the people came on to the stage once again to dance.
* * * * "I'm sorry I injured you," Anna said through an onrush of tears.
* * * * "I'm sorry I made you worry," was his only reply.

By Geras Firefoot, ezboard
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hope you enjoyed it. at ezboard, (another really, really good bunch of forums) this guy (geras) posted this (above) and i judged it. it was an entry to a story writing comp.
i gave it almost full marks, and it won...


till next time,