Creative Writing my story: Friend-Remember Me, Always

please let me know what you think about my story this is only part of it...


Friend-Remember Me, Always

At the corner of Quartz and Winterfest Street is a 9 year old boy named Kuma. He is running as fast as he can to the church in the far corner where a wedding is being held. When he reaches the front doors he pushes them open with all his might and as people's eyes turn to him he cries to the priest" Stop this!! That groom whom you are marrying to the bride! He...He's my father!" A lot of the people sitting on the benches gasped, started murmuring, or turned to the groom. The priest and bride both looked shocked by what Kuma had said" I have no idea what you're talking about, Boy! I am not youre father!" the groom assured everyone turning his head to look at them" I don't even know the boy!"
Now it was Kuma's turn to gasp. *How could he say that!? " But i DO know what I'm talking about!!" Kuma's eyes now watering" FATHER,PLEASE! MOTHER IS AT THE HOSPITAL! SHE IS ALMOST DYING AND WANTS TO SEE YOU!" again the groom denied this and called for someone to take him away for he was interrupting a very special moment. Two men at the right end of the church walked toward him and took hold of him from under his arms and took him outside. Kuma did not struggle but let them take him outside where he waited patiently for his father to come out.
When his father finally came out he hid behind a statue of Jesus witch children. As he watched the newly-weds walk through a crows of people throwing rice at them he whispered to his father " May God bless you and forgive you for all you have done, Father!" And seconds later, without his knowing, Kuma's mother dies.


this is only the beginning but i didn't want to write the whole thing just incase you didn't like it.

-Ria

 

I noticed that noone else has replied, so I thought that I might as well give some constructive criticism. Keep in mind I don't just look at ideas, but also the writing itself.

You change the tense of your story in the middle of it. You go from present to past and back to the present. With the way you're apparently telling the story, it doesn't work at all. Stick with just the present or just the past. You also need structure the paragraph you posted, making a paragraph for each new speaker or focus in the story. There's barely any imagery, and you need to actually show the action rather than just saying, for example, "He is running as fast as he can to the church in the far corner where a wedding is being held." Also, maybe this was just from typing fast or whatnot, but some punctuation changes need to be made.

Plot-wise, it's a start, but I don't know exactly where you're going with this. I'm guessing it'll go into the relationship of the boy, Kuma, and his father since his mother is dead? And reveal why the father denies (or perhaps doesn't know?) that Kuma is his son?
-Odin

 

[starts crying] WAHHHH!!! so SAD!!! And.. [sniff]... so true. (Sorry for the drama)