Narcotics. [Just to feel normal..>.<]

Just to feel normal. That's sorta my saying now. I look back at all those stupid things I used to say..like "there's nothing wrong with getting high". I was wrong. I never really got high recently. I just said that to make myself feel better. When i'd light up that in the morning..and then in the afternoon get completly trashed on xanax just to feel better. I never smoked to feel better. I always smoked just to be calm...to be "normal". Normal for me is mellowed out..normal for me is being locked down. I haven't been feeling normal lately. I twitch alot..meaning I can't keep my hands straight and I stammer when I talk alot I talked to Doctor. RO and he told me it could be stress but he said he's leaning more towards the fact that my body is just drying up and going back to normal..like I was 2 years ago. That's been awhile. This feeling of just BEING there..it just isn't..satisfying. I sware. I've been sober 3 months from any kind of pill or anything other than pot. Yeah. I still smoke pot. I won't let anyone down me for it..but what the hell am I supposed to do with myself? I just want to feel normal.

Normal is my word for the day. ^_-