Creative Writing New Meat

Here is my first submission it really isn't that good but i decided to start off with this and see what kinda comment it gets.

I will be adding others for you guys to critizie/tear apart :sweat:


-Blind Love-
here comes the sun blinding me again
tears rolling down my face, unchecked, unwanted
here comes your shadow blocking out the light
sun spots in my eyes
sun spots blocking out your face

looking back at my life, i can't see me
amongst the hair and paint i lost me
or am i found, you made me lose me
my beaded bags, my red shoes
your clean cut hair, your stylish style
am I like you?
No your not like me
sun spots in your eyes
suns spots blocking out my face

All critizism is welcome man' {best jamacian accent I can do} so don't feel bad get glad and let me know what you think.

 

it's quite good

 

Man, just for the record you should not read poetry while listening to Sting- it completely shatters the flow of the writing.

Lesse here, we seem to have a little bit of angst here. That's fine, lets see how well you incorporated it.

Actually as far as poetry goes this is pretty good. I like how you weaved about the theme of sunspots. I also enjoy the flow of the first verse. It's logical yet lyrical, and does a good job conveying the idea and theme of the poem.

In the second verse lines four, five and six don't appear to flow as well as well as the rest of the work. The first three lines begin to sound a little redundant, but that's just my own prefrence speaking. Once more you bring back the sunspots to close out your poetry with, which I feel is an excellent closer.

Nicely done, Flygirl. I rather like that.

~W

 

you're

The flow gets a bit choppy... but I think it depends on how I read it.
The or am i found bit throws off the beat, although I'm not sure why.

 

Thank You Thank You All [bowing and throwing kisses and then falls on face]

To wertitis The first and last verses really flow because i wrote those two parts originally together when i was inspired. Upon looking the poem over i realized it needed filling so i added the middle verse later as the much needed meaty filling. it might not make sense to other people who read it but to the ones involved in it they'll understand it (hopefully). which I know is not poetically sound as such because poetry is suppose to be able to be interperted by anyone but oh well i will probably change it later

to Jackabee thank you for pointing out that grammer error, it is a weakness of mine. [raises fist toward sky] no english teacher could beat it out of me and one never will. which in reality is bad but hehe it me. Thank you for pointing out the "or am i found" part i thought it was out of place i reasoned its out of place because the whole poem I am stating that i am lost and then suddenly i shift the poem to saying I have found myself, and then slip back into my I am lost tirade. at least that is why i thought it was out of place. thank you for that.

I will be posting the next piece for your critizing pleasure tomarrow. I think I should warn you all that aside from being allergic to grammer I am also deadly allergic to spelling. so if I slip from time to time sorry in advance.

remeber zombies hate flies so keep those bug lights on!!

 

I liked it, it was pretty emotional. Darn it, I said I wouldn't cry! :'(

 

Your grammar isn't that bad. It's okay if you slip up, most people don't give things a second glance and just leave it a hastily typed mess. I find that it is good to take a break and then go back over things to make sure everthing is in order. Good luck with your next one. Oh yes and I find the words tomorrow and grammar rather tricky... They keep trying to mess me up, those dastardly devils.

 

second piece

here is the second piece a day late i know but my finials are coming up and i thought studing was more important. This piece was originally a song concept but that sorta fell through so if it repeats in certian places and looks wrong thats why.

Cracks in the Paint

Pure white paint on a clean black wall
i hate the smears, like you hate the cracks
all i do, it's not enough to thin the paint
you are the white i am the black
brushes clog, and water spills
two white spots on my perfect wall

see my black shine through your paint
i broke the brush and still you finger paint
the paint is peeling the cracks are growing
cover the black with the white
all you're gonna get is grey;thats not me

two white spots on my perfect wall
see my black shine through your white
two white spots on my perfect wall

take your cracking paint off my wall
i'll wash it clean of your smearing paint
see my black shine through your white
two white sponts on my perfect wall
see them fade i've washed it clean

you can't hide me anymore
washing the walls clean
just a plain black wall with out you
open my eyes, all the white is gone
i don't need you anymore

at the time i had a fetish with paint, and walls hehe
i think you all will be able to see why this would not have been a good song:sad:

 

why paint?
i don't know what think of it

 

the paint is suppose to be symbolic for people.

i am the wall, and someone else is the white paint. The whitepaint person is trying to hide/change me the wall. the lines between are suppose to be showing the struggle i am having with this person who is trying to change me. but no matter how hard they tried to hide/change me I just kept showing through. and eventually i realize that i don't need them anymore.

i know i know its kinda lame, but like i said i had a fetish with paint and walls for some reason. oh well it felt right at the time.

if anyone else was lost sorry, like i said you can see why it would not make a good song, or poetry. [official score its a stinker]

hope this clears it up a little Hunter

 

it does it makes it more intresting i like it

 

Well, you said it best, so I wont elaborate very much more. All I'll tell you is that for a poem it doesn't have any rhyme to its reason- there's no cohesive beat or flow to this poem like what you had in the last one.

You shouldn't force creativity- the end result always suffers. Every time. Post it up when you feel you're happy with it, when you're ready to show it off to the world. No one here is pressuring you to post your incomplete work. We'd all rather see one complete poem that you're proud of instead of three or four crappy ones you rushed out the door.

If you're unhappy with this one why not take it back to the drawing board and continue your work on it? There's nothing wrong with re-writing, re-evaluating your work in poetry and literature.

~W

 

[takes stake out of heart] :bleed2:

nah just kidding
thanks for the feed back though i actually had done this quite some time ago. it wasn't forced or half assed. i never got a second opinion on it so i was expecting this [wanted it actually] so i would be able to see what mistakes i couldn't see. besides not all poems half to have a rhyme to its reason.

[on a side note]
hey wert, can i post only poems on here or can i post stories as well??

 

You are now.

Anyway I think BB wants them in one thread. Your short stories in one thread. Your poems in another hread. It will cut down on a lot of threads.

Zap= I think I gather about the paint. It took a bit though. The end line helped a lot. I guess I am saying it should flow better. I think you are saying that the paint is two completely different people. Like the black and white. They mix together. They see things differently. It took a bit to get that from there. But I guess I could be wrong.

 

the first one i really liked. The second one i REALLY liked, i wrote a poem like that once believe it or not. It really is good, they both are. Awesome work

 

a taste of things to come?

zap is back!!

from a much needed vacation from school & work hehe

anyway thanks for the heads up basher will do. on the point of the paint piece your right on the money.

for those who liked or hated the paint piece i will be submitting a hopefully more enjoyable or at least improved version of the thing. deleted some stuff and add others. hopefully there is more of the much wanted "flow" [which is rightly needed]. I will also be posting another poem if i can find the paper i scrawled it on. hehe. spring cleaning is gonna be fun for me

I will be posting a short story too hopefully.