Creative Writing rate my story---a work in progress

…..what is nowhere?
What is now?
What is love?
Hate?
Pain?
Who am I?
Who is she?
Where am I?
What happened?
Why am I floating?
Why can’t I speak?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Why?



“Ami!”
“Ami!”
“Ami!”
“Ami!”
“Ami!”

Ami opened her eyes slowly. She blinked twice.
“What the heck is going on?” she demanded.
Silence. Where is she?
“You are in the Garden of eternity.”
“Garden of…..of what?”
“Eternity.”
“Who are you? Who….am I? What is…going on?
“This is the magical place that separates life from death. The thread of reality and fantasy. The garden of eternity is a thread of reality…….”
Ami looked up. And saw who has been speaking. It was a beautiful graceful goddess. She wore a long white silky gown and had brown flowy hair.
“I am the garden’s keeper. Its goddess.”
Ami stared in awe at her beauty.
“And….so it begins.”




So far so good??:catgirl:
Well?
Well?

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, DOC!

 

That's a story?

I had no idea what was going on. You might want to flesh out the story a bit. Add some descriptions of surroundings, feelings. Your words should paint a picture for us to imagine. There's really nothing to read, as it is.

As an example:

Do you see how I turned your short dialogue into all of that? I expanded on what you've said, and provided insight into simple speech. I described feelings, tone of voice, and even surroundings, without giving a hint more to a greater story.

Your "story" has potential, but as it is it's rather unimpressive. Try to give it a bit more depth, such as I've done above. It's this type of writing, giving depth to your work, that separates See Spot Run from works like The Lord of the Rings.

 

Bad example since I think of Lord of the Rings as one of the most boring and driest pieces of writing I've ever witnessed, but eh, to each their own.

You seem to have a problem in writing works in progress that I do; leaving people in complete wondering as to what the Hell is going on. It happens, just keep going and I do agree, take into account what Rag advised.

 

You talking about the books or the movies? Anyway I could pick any well known novelist. Anne Rice, J.R.R.Tolkien, Brian Jacques, the point of the matter is the depth that each one adds to their work.

Of course, style is also a big thing. Different people have different writing styles. I've seen people that write stories in an episodic manner, seeming very much like a TV series, there's those that write their stories more like a play, or, well, I can go on for awhile, but everyone has their own unique writing style. The Lord of the Rings wouldn't be the same book at all if it was written by J.K. Rowling. Find your own style and stick with it- don't try and mimic another's, because it'll likely sound contrived, forced, or somehow false. Just let the words come naturally, and your writing will be so much better for it.

 

Hmmm, i like this. Since we're just seeing the beggining we wouldn't understand. I most likely would read the rest of this book if i was just reading the first page like this. Its kinda of hooking and makes you wanna know whats going on so you read more. Good job!

 

You guys are being too critical of a WIP. This is just a start, like the first page as Blue said. There are a few parts that could be fleshed out a little like how Rag mentioned, but this is still fine. The biggest problem that everyone seems to have is that they don't know what's going on, despite Bear making it painfully clear that the main character is dead or at least on Death's doorstep. There's not a whole lot here to read and build a real opinion on, but that doesn't mean this is 'boring' or 'unimpressive', it's just incomplete...

...Incomplete... Like a Work in Progress... Like the title of this thread!

Hmmm...

As of this post there's very little 'wrong' with this, though it's difficult to give better, more constructive feedback until you post up a little bit more, M'kay?

~W

 

I was left a little confused. This is a work in progress but it should start to progress. Take what Rag and others have said to heart. It will help. I personnally think it needs work. But that is what a WIP is all about.

I agree with adding in more depth to your WIP. Plus posting more. It seams like an interesting story.