Manga Ring Project Scene 2b - Read, Review, Revise

Apologies for the gap between posting my take of scene 2b after I brought out 2a. I had everything envisioned but just didn't crank it out into words until now. I feel it could perhaps use a little more content with Ein and his taking in the surroundings perhaps before or after the waitress enters the scene, but I am still not gripping the Ein character fully, so it was difficult to imagine exactly how he would react to seeing Japan after imprisonment for so many years.

Anyhow, here's my take on the remainder of Minato's upset stomach, and Ein's first appearance. It was earlier suggested that Ein's shenanigans be witnessed by a character who later informs Satomi about it, but I felt that would work if it was held back until later. After all, with Satomi, we are already seeing her uncertainty with her relationship - I think the best seesaw effect would be to have her nearly ready to salvage their feelings and then catch him "cheating". After all, she is already having second thoughts, and hearing him going playboy would likely send her off sooner than it should. Just my take on it...


MINATO: (Stumbles out the front of the Drunken Dragon and a little ways down the street, one hand clutching his stomach)

(He turns to move into an alley without paying attention, and smacks into something. A gang member, one of three, who were just walking out.)

(Desperation) Please move!

MEMBER 1: (Folds his arms) No. Go around.

MINATO: (Feeling something coming on) I need to get through!

MEMBER 1: (Enjoying himself) Then I guess you're in some trouble, then. We're not letting you through. (His companions laugh)

MINATO: Please! I'm begging you!

MEMBER 1: Move along, kid. (He gives Minato a shove.)

MINATO: (Getting pushed triggers his sickness. Minato can't help but vomit directly onto MEMBER 1)

(Minato looks relieved, feeling much better)

(He quickly looks wide-eyed and over at the gang member)

MEMBER 1: (Both disgusted and angry) What are you waiting for? Get him!

MEMBER 2: (Picks MINATO up and hits him hard across the cheek, passing him over to MEMBER 3.)

MEMBER 3: (Knees MINATO in the gut before pushing him back into a garbage can. MINATO lands bottom first in the can as it teeters over on its side.)

MEMBER 1: (Pulls off his vomit soaked shirt and cracks his knuckles as he overlooks MINATO, who lies on his side with his back to him.) You can try and fight back if you want. It might make this a little more interesting.

MINATO: (Unmoving.)

MEMBER 1: (Bends down and grabs ahold of MINATO, beginning to turn him around to look at his face) Don't tell me you're already down for the count?

MINATO: (As his face comes into view, he looks like a different character. He radiates a confidence he didn't have before, despite the licks MINATO has taken. He smiles as MEMBER 1 pulls him closer.) I was thinking about it, considering you look like the type who could only count as high as two.

MEMBER 1: What'd you say? (In anger, he uses both hands to propel MINATO through the air.)

MINATO: (Effortlessly shifts his balance in the air and lands on his feet.) I'm sorry, did I underestimate you? You can count to three, I suppose.

MEMBER 2 & 3: (They charge at MINATO. As they get close, he reaches out and pulls both MEMBER towards him. He moves casually out of the way as both crash into one another.)

MEMBER 1: (Hesitates.)

MINATO: Come on, then. I'll give you the first move.

MEMBER 1: (Runs in with a right hook)

MINATO: (Steps aside gracefully) One.

MEMBER 1: (Swings with his left.)

MINATO: (Again, he sidesteps it) Two.

MEMBER 1: (Swings for a third time)

MINATO: (Catches the fist in his palm) Three.

(Before MEMBER 1 can take another swing at him, MINATO pulls him around a full 360 degrees before releasing his hold. MEMBER 1 hits the wall hard and falls with the rest of his gang.)

Down for the count.

MINATO: (Steps out of the alley, taking a good look around) Well now, I can't say I like everything they've done to this place. It's not lost its charm, though.

WAITRESS: (From offpanel) Patron of the Drunken Dragon!

MINATO: (Turns to see the Waitress running up to him in a fluster. "Definately hasn't lost its charm," he thinks to himself)

WAITRESS: Yaaaaaa! (She does her best to imitate their earlier "greeting" with a smile)

MINATO: (Looks incredulous.) "Ya"?

WAITRESS: (Eyes shift, unable to look him in the eye) Kind sir, you left without paying your bill.

MINATO: Did I? My apologies, let me settle up.

(MINATO gently moves in and takes hold of the WAITRESS. Before she knows what is going on, he presses her into a passionate kiss that lasts several moments.)

(He moves back, letting go, and begins to turn away.)

WAITRESS: (Wide eyed, dazed, speechless)

MINATO: (He turns back, she opens her mouth to speak, but he cuts her off softly) Oh right. I forgot your tip.

(He kisses her again, for a shorter period, but this time dipping her back)

(MINATO turns around and walks off down the street)

WAITRESS: (She slides down off her feet, listless and blushing. She can do little but sigh her last word) Ya...

 

Re-reading, I noticed I didn't quite execute that as I intended to. It was supposed to be part of Ein's "you look the sort who can only count as high as two" taunt, which he quickly answered his opponent's anger with "underestimating" his opponent as someone who could really count to three.

I think what threw it off was the line:

MINATO: Come on, then. I'll give you the first move.

It needs to be modified to something along the lines of "Come on, then, I'll let you make the call. How high can you count?"

Open to that. I was thinking more along the lines of keeping it a bit confusing early on - until Minato himself meets Ein.

I thought there were enough hints to it not being Minato, or that at least something strange was going on. His complete personality change-over during and after the fight in contrast to before (he was a bit jumpy around the waitress, he was useless against the thugs), for instance. Secondly, the way he is completely oblivious to the girl's "yaa" greeting - not to mention how he picks over the street like he's never seen it looking that way before.

But if it's too subtle, it's too subtle. What sort of gentlemen would kiss and run without dropping his name?