Creative Writing see you again

I really dont like this..at all.. but I'll put it up because i'm weird like that

I seen you today, you laughed and asked how id been
I couldnt tell you the truth and see you frown
Because Ive waited so long
to see that smile again

You were just the same
Just being yourself and getting through
While I felt all that pain
Because I wanted to see you

Your getting very strong
Since you left my wing
So I guess its really wrong
To make you stay with me

So ill just say goodbye
and let you go your own way
untill I dont have to try
To make you not go away

 

The first two lines could be condensed a bit to give it a better flow. The last line, I think, would have worked better if you addressed the subject more forcefully. Something like "Go do as you may." Of course it could be those damn marketing speech classes making me say this. :dizzy2: Aside from that, nicely articulated. Quite melancholy though. Makes me think about my grandfather passing away.

 

I know sometimes I really suck at peotry but thanx anyway

 

well i thought that it was pretty good! needs a little changing, like furryb said, but still good!

 

argh.. I wanted to say something smart.. but now when I want to type it I forgot! ... D'OH! well.. erm
Then I just say that this is a nice poem and that you can express your emotion/feeling in your poems very well

 

Now its my turn to comment your poetry ^_^; I really liked this, it showed alot of feeling and the movement was nice. Good job.

 

I must have a cheery side I don't know about. It made me think of something person or animal (I was thinking bird) leaving the nest so to speak.

I did enjoy the poem. I didn't think the first lines were to bad but the last I would have to agree upon.