Creative Writing Soul Eaters

Soul Eaters [Updated 9-23-05]

This is a story I have been working on. Questions will be answered as the story goes.

Introduction

Onyx Blake was given a gift that she didn’t want. She can see all the evil in the world. For her the veil that concealed the demon world from the human world has been lifted. Instead of her gift being a burden upon her, she has decided to take on the evil she determined to be cruelest of all.

Onyx calls them, Soul Absorbers. Soul Absorbers live inside every creature and feed upon their host souls. Any act of sin the Soul Absorbers will slowly steal their hosts' souls to hell. The people that have fallen victim to these creatures are what Onyx refers to as shells. They can still live and act as normal people do to the unaware human world. She cannot save the creatures once their soul has reached hell. She cannot fight the Soul Absorbers. All she can do is guide the host. It is a losing battle for her because she is up against the biggest plague of the human world, human kind.

Chapter One

‘I wasn’t born with this ability or gift whatever you want to call it’, Onyx Blake thought. ‘It is more of a curse if anything.’ Onyx sighed. Her long black mane graced the wind with its presence behind her. Her eyes are blacker then coal just like her name means “black, black.” She sat upon a windowsill staring into the night sky. The stars that could be seen from the city’s sky twinkled. She smiled at the brightest one, the North Star. ‘You are over a billion miles away and could be gone right now. Yet we can still see your twinkle. Amazing that is. I find you lucky for you can’t see what I see. It would definitely give you nightmares.’ Onyx finished her thought and jump down into the dark alley bellow. She fell well over three stories and easily landed on her feet. The pain that shot from the bottom of her souls didn’t bother her.

Onyx reached her hand out and stroked the air. To her, she was touching the creature that resembled a dragon with sharp fangs and a monstrous snout. It appeared in a pale blue mist that encircled her. The end of the creature attached to heart where her soul lies. “Don’t worry Misty. I will get that man to admit to what he has done without letting you feast,” Onyx said into the still of the night. She continued down the alley.

“What would be the fun in that?” The deep throaty voice hissed from the creature which would have given anyone nightmares for years.

Onyx chuckled out load and said nothing to this creature. She carried her true enemy with her. She didn’t fear anything else. Stepping out from the darkness of the alley, she clinched a piece of paper in her hand. Tipping it into the street light she skimmed over the contents. LA Serial Killer Trent Howard turns himself in read the headline from the newspaper article. Apparently this man had admitted to every crime. He could describe in detail what was done to each victim. Onyx pondered this to herself. ‘If he had committed any murder then his soul wouldn’t have asked for help. He wouldn’t have his soul. Soul Absorbers can take a soul whole for murder. He is innocent. But what is the reason for him claiming to have done this.’ Onyx looked at the article. ‘He will be moved soon to a larger more secure prison tomorrow. Looks like I will have to move quickly.’

Onyx ran down the street. Her shoes clicked on the pavement as she ran. The lights blended together in her wake. “Slow down you obnoxious human,” a voice hissed at her.

“Don’t tell me a great demon like you is getting air sick?” Onyx laughed with pleasure hoping that this was the way to cause damage to her enemy.

“Don’t be a foul. It is just annoying. You are running around like that and not knowing where you are going.” the demon hissed at her.

“Idiot. Shut up. This is a big city after all. There are probably many police stations,” Onyx slowed down with those words. She had realized what she had done. ‘Is Misty guiding me?’ She thought to herself. She stopped and stared at the creature.

“Don’t be a foul. Hiss.” Its tongue flashed at her like a snake. “I am not helping you at all. Why would I do a thing like that?”

“So you can have my soul. Didn’t I tell you not to talk to me?” Onyx paused as if trying to decide what to do. “How would I get to this place?” She clenched the paper in her hand, angry that she didn’t know this city at all.

“You could always murder that is an easy way in,” the creature hissed. It gave her a devilish smile that sent shivers down her spine.

“Shut up.” Onyx scanned the area. She saw what she needed. Running across the street while horns from passing cars blared, she reached her goal. Maybe her enemy really was helping her. Her hand reached out and slid the phone booth door open. Stepping inside she grabbed the shabby phone book.

Onyx took a deep breathe. She needed to calm down. In her hurry she had made a mistake. Onyx didn’t want to appear weak to this creature. She scanned the pages. It was taking longer then she hoped. Finally she found what she was looking for, LA Police Department- W Washington BLVD. Taking the map which was at the front of the phone book she stepped out of the phone booth. Pain shoot threw her as if someone pierced her heart with a knife. She clenched her chest and feel down to her knees.

“Taking what is not yours big mistake,” hissed the creature. It swallowed a part of her soul. Its fork tongue flicked out as if trying to lick imaginary lips. Onyx looked at pure evil. It shivered in delight at her gaze.

“Can it. I don’t have time for this.” Onyx pushed herself back on her feet. She glanced at the road signs and checked her stolen map. ‘Got it,’ she thought. It was a lot further then she would have liked. ‘I will have to remember to buy a map on whatever town I go to that was a close one.’ She clenched her chest. She could still feel part of herself disappearing. This pain alone could compare to hell. She had to be more careful from now on. She didn’t know how much more she had left to lose.


There is more of chapter one but I am currently editing it. Any comments would be appreciated. So critic it at will.

 

Onyx finished her thought and jumped down into the dark alley bellow.



Onyx chuckled out loud and said nothing to this creature.



“Don’t be a fool. It is just annoying. You are running around like that and not knowing where you are going.” the demon hissed at her.



“Don’t be a fool. Hiss.” Its tongue flashed at her like a snake. “I am not helping you at all. Why would I do a thing like that?”



Pain shot threw her as if someone pierced her heart with a knife. She clenched her chest and feel down to her knees.



This pain alone could compare to hell.
Perhaps it could be compared?



There were not too many errors.

 

Oof. The first part was kind of awkward and the latter... maybe you could have something like "the demon flicked its tongue, her sharp hiss piercing the air".

 

“Don’t be a fool.” she said with a menacing hiss... or something like that.

 

I read the introduction and I was like WTF? Hopefully this will clear some things up.

Introduction
Onyx Blake was given a gift that she didn’t want. She can see all the evil in the world. For her the veil that concealed the demon world from the human world has been lifted. Instead of her gift being a burden upon her, she has decided to take on the evil she determined to be cruelest of all.

Onyx calls them, Soul Absorbers. Soul Absorbers live inside every creature and feed upon their host souls. Any act of sin the Soul Absorbers will slowly steal their hosts' soul to hell. The people that have fallen victim to these creatures are what Onyx refers to as shells. They can still live and act as normal people do to the unaware human world. She cannot save the persom once their soul has reached hell. She cannot fight the Soul Absorbers. All she can do is guide the host. It is a losing battle for her because she is up against the biggest plague of the human world, human kind.

Chapter 1 continued
Onyx walked in the direction of the police station. As she continued on her path the public streets started to become cleaner as if some magical force had tidied up the neighborhood. After a few minutes of walking she finally arrived at her destination. The white glass building that stood in front of her held a sign near by which read LAPD. “To protect and to serve” was carved and stretched across the building. She walked up the stairs all she needed now was a plan. Lucky for her she had a gift. Hopefully the officer in charge believed what she knew.

Onyx walked into the police department. The florescent lights hummed as her heels clicked the cream colored lamented tiles. She walked over to the information booth and read the sign next to it. Finding where she needed to go, she continued on her path. She walked down the hall until she arrived at an elevator and a staircase. She started to climb the stairs. Her hand graced the rail as she walked up. Onyx preferred to stay away from crowds that is why she had come to the police department far after the sun set. During the day she could see far too many souls begging for help. Their faces twisted in agony while their hosts continued on with their sin. Not knowing that they were destroying themselves. It was something Onyx liked to avoid. Elevators made it even harder for her to deal with. Being locked in with a pleading soul wasn’t a fun past time for her.

She met no one on the stair case as she continued to walk up. She reached the level that she wanted. Onyx continued on her path glancing at each door. She finally found the door that she needed. She opened it and walked in. This place wasn’t any different from the rest of the building that she saw. It held the same light colors on the walls and the creamed colored tile. The only difference in this room was that it held many desks. Hardly anyone was here unless you counted their souls. Onyx was thankful for it. One of the men in the room finally noticed her and greeted her.

“Hello, Miss. I am Officer Herbert,” said the Officer as he made his way over to her. “Is there something I may help you with?” He was a short man with a receding hairline. His face showed a few days stubble. His words were kind, and Onyx could tell that he meant it too. His soul appeared barely visible but it held a wide smile. Onyx couldn’t help but smile at the man and his soul.

“Yes, I would like to speak to the Officer in charge of the recent serial killer crimes.” When Onyx said serial killer all the people and their souls in the room looked up and stared at her, she could feel them all watching her.

“Sorry miss but we don’t allow reporters in,” Officer Herbert replied.

“I am not a reporter.” Onyx found out that it would be more difficult then she would have liked it to be. Since, she had drawn the rooms’ attention she decided to try and keep it. In a strong voice she said, “I know that Trent Howard is innocent and I can prove it.” Most of the room chuckled and went on with their work. Onyx had obviously lost their interest. To them she appeared to be a silly girl and it didn’t help Onyx frustration when their souls replied this message.

“Now miss the officer is busy right now. If I could get your name, your phone number, and where you are staying at the officer will get in touch with you if he fells like he needs to,” Officer Herbert replied.

“Now Charles that isn’t away to talk to the woman who knows the reason a man is innocent,” the officer that had joined them said. “I am Detective Daniels. You may call me Robert. I am the man in charge of the LA Serial Killer files.” Onyx eyed the man and watched as his soul twisted in agony. It was a different state compared to the suave man she saw before her. His black hair which was sleeked backwards and crisp clothes no longer looked like this on his soul. Its hair was a mess and its eyes held fear. A creature much like Onyx wrapped itself around it, chewing on the Detectives lie. He was clearing lying to her. “Now miss what makes you...” Onyx placed her finger tip against his mouth before he could lie anymore.

“Detective Robert, could you do me a big favor?” Onyx lightly purred at the man as her fingers in laced his tie. Her eyes were as big as saucers. She was giving him puppy eyes. He mumbled something not at all recognizable. Onyx is attractive and in her early twenties. It was far to easy for her to ensnare a male. Her stance and face changed very abruptly. Her tone showed anger as she said, “could you stop lying and point me out the real Detective in charge?” She dropped the tie. The man pointed out the fellow working alone in back. Detective Robert didn’t say anything as she walked past him. Most of the officers in the room laughed at him.

She could hear more comments and laughter from the group which teased the detective she played with. She arrived in front of the Detective. His name was Detective Merriam by his badge. “I know that Trent Howard is innocent.” This man had dark brown hair that was short. His hair was trimmed but ruffled as if he ran his hands threw his hair a couple of times. His shirt was unbuttoned and wrinkled. His tie was lying on his desk while his suits jacket wrapped around his chair.

“What makes you think that miss?” He pushed himself in his chair away from his paper work to get a better look at her. He nestled his fingers behind his head to stretch. Onyx could tell this man had sea green eyes.

Onyx looked at the man and his soul. She smiled at him. His soul shown signs of what was really going on. His soul was still at his desk showing signs of frustration. It lightly taped it and mumbled to itself. “You are frustrated aren’t you?” ‘Come on out already I am sorry,’ Onyx said to herself. ‘I could really use your help right now.’ Onyx’s soul finally emerged and started a conversation with the Detective’s soul. It would have been strange to any outsider but Onyx had gotten used to her soul.

“What would make you say that?” The Detective starred at her as if trying to read her.

“This man is innocent,” the Detectives soul said. “We have video proof and eye witnesses to the certain times that the presumed times of death were to the victims. Trent Howard wasn’t anywhere near the presumed crime scene. He did confess in detail to the all the crimes, though. He even added in a few new ones and to where their bodies were.”

“Trent Howard confessed and he knew about the finer details to the crimes,” Onyx said. Her deduction earlier tonight was right. She knew that Trent Howard was innocent.

“Looks like you have been reading the Newspaper.”

“You have evidence proving that he was no were near the crime scenes at the presumed time of deaths. I doubt the newspaper have that information.”

The Detective stared at her and leaned forward in his chair. He was more interested in her now. “How do you know that?”

“I know that because the man is innocent.” Onyx leaned against a desk near the Detectives. She had to take it slow. She couldn’t say too much.

“No one has this information but me and my partner who is ill.”

“I have never met your partner. You could call him.”

“I don’t need too. So what else do you know?”

“I could get you the name of the real killer if you let me speak to Trent Howard.”

“Look here lady I cannot do that.”

Onyx felt like she was losing him. She knew her soul was working to obtain information from his soul. After hearing what his soul said she told him, “Another body has been found. The presumed time of death on this one matches the time he has been in custody. You won’t know more until the autopsy comes back that is why you are here late. Now let me speak to him. I’ll find out who the real killer is. He doesn’t have much time left. Do want to put an innocent man away just to help ease the minds of the citizens when the real killer is still loose? What good will that do the citizens?”

The Detective looked at her and moved back into his position. His soul gave both Onyx and her soul thumbs up. He stood up and grabbed his suits jacket. “Let’s get going then. By the way my name is Detective Merriam. What is your name, miss?”

“My name is Onyx Blake, and I am not a psychic or a guardian angel. Let us just say I have a special ability which will come in handy for you tonight.” The Detective starred at her for a moment for he had just thought that but to Onyx that is what his soul replied.


Looked like I still had to edit some. Thanks people. I may still have to do this one too. But anyway read on and critique it at will.

 

this is a very good story can't wait to read the rest of it good job Basher


maybe I should post one of my stories