The online dating scam

The continual hilarity of online dating is never lost upon me. People still buy into the premise that true love can be found as easily as answering a few questions and filling out a profile review, and then leaving up for the whole internet to see. For a while I bought into the whole scam myself. I was busy with 12 hour work days and had little to no time to actually go out and enjoy life. I figured I could let the internet do the work for me while I was working/sleeping.

No sir.

It had been one kick in the nuts after another. First I tried sites like adult friend finder... until I realized they were all sex sites. Frankly I wasn't big into paying out my ass to have George of Nebraska send me pictures of his junk. I'm not even into guys.

After that I failed safe and decided to give E-Harmony a try. The way it works is it trys to classify people into several basic personality types and matches you with others with similar personalities. It was a sound idea until I took the questionare. Apparently my personality, along with another 10% of the population, is a type that is so scattered that they couldn't even begin to try and match me up with another person. I got a nice e-mail saying "Thanks but apparently you've managed to classify yourself into a personality type that most people couldn't faxcimilate if they tried, so as a result we can't guarantee anything, so here's a letter and a kick out the door." What's funny is that you can only take the test once per e-mail and E-Harmony STILL sends me letters in my inbox begging me to come back and try them for free for 90 days. So I can do what? Pay to have them tell me I'm legally insane? They need to rework thier system a little better.

From there I've gave Yahoo personals a try. That was also a joke. The girls there are either looking for Brad Pitt or are massively overweight, single moms looking for a sugar daddy. I've seen Bars with a better selection of human beings.

True caught my eye at one point, so decided to give them a try. Unlike E-Harmony they actually were able to formulate something and tried to class me up with others according to sexual and relationship compatibilty. My line of thought was "Cool, sexual compatibility is nice and I actually have a relationship type. This might be fun." Apparently my bed mannerisms is a rather general kind which is compatible with just about every kind of girl on the planet with the exception of Florentine nuns. The kind of girls my personality is good for all wear robes, LARP, are heavy on the mascera and cut themselves on a regular basis.

Next.

Okcupid was my latest endevor and was recommended by one of my roomates. I figured why the hell not, it wont hurt to see how that works. You answer all these little user and site generated questions and as you answer it defines your personality. The more you answer the more accurate the system is supposed to be. Throw up a picture and some info about yourself and you're golden. Almost immediately I was getting winks which surprised the hell out of me. Naturally I wrote back to see what was up, but none ever replied. That's when I saw one of the newsletters they were sending to my e-mail account. They list up people who 'could be' good matches and at the top of the list there was a button that said 'Wink to them all'. Sure enough when I checked to see who had recently seen my profile none of them were on the list. So you can Woo a person without ever actually seeing who they are or knowing anything about them. If the whole service wasn't free I would chalk it up as another flawed scam, but who can argue with 'free'?

So here I sit, patiently waiting to get out of the military and back into civilian life. Go to college, have time on my hands, meet real people, woot. One year and 4 months left until I'm out. It's slowly counting down. Meanwhile I'll continue to tend to True and Okcupid more out of amusement than anything else. Sure if Lindsey Lohan sends me an e-mail saying we should run away to Peru and elope in the Andies I'll write back. In the meantime I'll be jumping off the roof of my house preparing for when I learn to fly.

~W

 

So...

Can you fly?

 

I can get about five

I can get about five feet.

~W

 

I laugh at the face of ...who?

Damn man this gave me a great laugh...

Stick to what you know buddy.