Creative Writing The Path of the Decieved

Alright here's another one of mine. I figure if I'm gonna grow as a poet then I should probably continue to get feedback and constructive criticism.

Lifes a journey we all must take,
Grow and live and make mistakes.
In the end no one wins,
For another is soon to begin.
Follow the path and do not stray,
For if you do you will soon fray.
Fray at the ends and in the heart,
Bedraggled you've been from the start.
No one noticed or seemed to care,
That dirt was on your hands and hair.
Your clothes were torn from many a mile,
And yet you still could wear a smile.
In the roughest times that one can take,
You defended those whose lives were at stake.
A saint you were seemingly so,
But deep inside your heart was slow.
The smile you wore was just an act,
To win the souls and turn them black.
You lied and decieved those that followed,
Ate at them until finally they hollowed.
They followed your lead staring blankly ahead,
Their hearts and souls all were dead.
In the end we make the choice,
They hear none other than our voice.
Choose your road and hold it fast,
Do not look back or regret the past.

 

thats not my life story, thats just whats happening now thank you. I appreciate your criticism, and in this case i do say that it just might be more your callous personality *laughing to herself* thats speaking. Cause if you used to write this way then you probably know exactly the way im feeling. I write this way because I've for so long ignored my pain, pretended it didn't exist, now that I'm 14 and have had to grow up quicker than most girls, I've got to face it all. I've got to look at it and say ok, this really did happen to me and I've got to get over it. The easiest way it seems to write about it. I do agree though, that I could change the word usage abit, use some more creative words, *pulls out a thesaurus* So thanx again for the criticism, and if theres anything else u want to say seeings how im not really on much, you can pm my brother Nik, Samurai Me, and I'm sure he'd be glad to deliver your messages. But that doesn't mean bombard him so that he kicks my butt over here.

 

WHAT?!?! Please dude do not PM me about this. Im not really into poetry and have alot on my hands already. Sis I think you did great...although yeah death and stuff lol does get kinda depressing you know. But I like it just the same.

 

Yes very true Nik, you do have alot on your hands so if you want to tear down my poetry do it to me, not my brother. Thanks Nik, its encouraging to know that family does appreciate my writing although yes its depressing, its just how I write right now. So thanx Nik!

 

H-H-Hey man..Leave my daughter alone. Don't worry about it. The main point in my poems was to make people see through the eyes of a abused child who lost her father. I didn't really do it for the same reason that IYR14 did, but in both cases it's ok. I love your poetry and it hurts me to read it because I can feel your pain steaming from the poem. That's what "poetry" is all about.

 

Thanx...guys what happened to Sombras post? It just disappeared..or wasit saguaro or sombraro..i forget his name