Creative Writing The Shijin Chronicles

I wrote this out of total boredom, and I just couldn't stop typing. Take a look at Part I of my RPG adventure...


Part I

Missy called out to us. “Hey, are we still going to the Shining City to see Meldeck?” I peered in her eyes. Missy had the brightest sky-blue eyes you could ever lay your eyes upon. She was tall for an elf, and she was an excellent shot with a bow. Never before had I met an elf like her. “Of course.” I replied.

The Shining City was the heart of the kingdom of Morren. Included in the city was the Grand Ruler’s castle, along with about three to four thousand soldiers, ready for combat at a moment’s notice. The path to the city was a long one, but with Missy by my side, it shouldn’t be that long. She knows how to keep a man company.

Baltrep peeked from around the fruit stand, frantically looking for Missy and I. He spotted us and was overjoyed to see that Missy and I were together. Apparently he has this thought that Missy and I are the perfect couple. He wants nothing more for her and I to be happy with one another.

Baltrep was a mighty warrior. He swung an axe with as much force as a falling tree. Green goblins were his choice of prey when on the hunt, and he showed no mercy towards them. You see, Baltrep’s family was attacked during the shadowy night by a goblin horde. They raided and pillaged his village and left not one soul alive. It was a terrible time, and Baltrep was the lone survivor, concealed from the goblins by a thatched roof over his head not three feet from the ground.

After the tragedy, and when he was old enough to understand what had happened, Baltrep swore vengeance on every walking goblin in the lands far and wide. He wouldn’t rest until every goblin was slain, and the land was purified of their horrible presence. Baltrep met Missy and I in the town, and now he acts as though he’s known us since our youth. In any case, he was a good companion to have in battle, but a bit of an annoyance otherwise.

“So what are you two up to?” he said. “Nothing,” I replied, “Just waiting for you to finish the deeds you set out to finish.” He paused for a moment as if to think about what to say next. He then snapped back into reality and dashed off to the westward direction, rounded a corner, and disappeared once again. “Wonder where he’s off to.” Missy muttered. “I’m not certain,” I said, “Maybe he forgot something.”

As if fate had heard my words, Baltrep appeared again with a large axe in his arms, and a sack of fruit, the supply dwindling as he ran towards us. The rats soon had their way with his discarded treasure. “Can’t forget this!” He yelled. I was sure he was referring to the axe. What a mighty instrument of warfare Baltrep’s axe was. Shining a brilliant silver, the axe was quite large, and had red rubies embedded into its midsection.

“Well?” He said. “Shouldn’t we be off?” Missy and I met eyes for a moment, and then nodded our heads in agreement. We headed off to the north, burlap sacks in tow. “So, what did you guys pack to eat?” Baltrep asked. “Some fresh bread,” I replied, “And plenty of water.” We both glanced at Missy, who seemed to be minding no one else’s business but her own. Baltrep cleared his throat and Missy glanced at the both of us. “Elven bread,” She replied. “And some freshly squeezed wine from the vines of the Nordef gardens. The Nordef gardens belonged to a small community of elves, where Missy resided before she met me.

We were both curious as to what Baltrep had packed. He told us he bought some fruit from the market, some potatoes from a field he worked in, and at least 5 mugs worth of rum. It was strange that Baltrep had rum; the town that we departed from didn’t seem to have a tavern. He told Missy and I that he owns his own private brewery in town, and it’s hidden from everyone residing there. We asked him why. “Secret ingredient,” He said. “Makes the rum taste like a miracle from on high.” He told us that if his recipe ever went public, he wouldn’t make the amount of gold he makes now.

Missy and I nodded. We continued down the dirt road that led out of town, and were greeted by a wooden sign that read, “Town Limits.” We knew we would be out of the town momentarily, which wasn’t such a good thing. We knew that beyond town limits, robbers, goblins, and other creatures lie in wait, ready to ambush the next unsuspecting traveler. We were well aware of this, and were more than ready to face any challenge that lied in wait…

End of Part I


Sooo.... What'da think?

 

Seems intresting

 

Thanks, I'm definatley thinking of continuing the story, maybe into an entire book. Yeah, that'd be cool. "To all my friends on BJP, you guys totally rule." I can see that now yes I can...

 

I like the story those far. You are setting the mood and putting enough information out for people to digest.

A few things is that I notice was "not one soul" considering Baltrep did live and from what I gathered he was in the village maybe a change.

Another thing when two people talk. I think the rule is seperate paragraphs.

 

if you do send me a copy

 

Ok, as promised here's my review of your work.


For the most part, as a literary piece, it's not bad by mosts standards. The grammar and spelling are fine and most of what's written makes sense and helps to enstablish a little bit of history and back story (even though it does feel a little forced.)

Several things- #1: What's happening to the fruit in Baltrep's sack as he's approaching the pair? Is he eating them as he ran? Are they falling out of his sack? Are they simply dissapearing into mid air?

Try something along the lines of this instead-

"As if fate had heard my words, Baltrep appeared again with a large axe in his arms, and a sack of fruit, the supply dwindling out through a hole in the bottom, as he ran towards us."

#2: If Baltrep's Tavern is so secret how is he making any money off the booze he's selling? If no one knows where it is because he's afraid of the secret getting out how is he selling any?

#3: Who is the main character? He's completely undefined. He could be anything, boy or girl, warrior, archer, priestess, human, elven, dwarfish? Does he even have a name? He's completely ambigous.

You're going to want to enstablish him a little bit as your tales proceeds just so we know who's telling us this tale.

For the most part this is fine, even though it feels like I've seen this all before.



Plus' - Storyline and writing style is cohesive and (for the most part) coherent. Grammar and spelling are fine as well.

Negative's - Characters seem a little bit generic, almost a cookie cutter brand. A few continuity errors. Lead character is completely undefined.


Keep at it.

~W

 

Alright, let's answer your questions shall we?

1) I said the fruit fell out and the rats got to it in the first part. (I should have.)

2) He's selling them to private buyers. Did I say it was a tavern? I meat it was a brewery.

3) That's the point. The main character will be revealed little by little throughout the stroy. I leak some secrets about him in Part II.
So yeah, as promised, here's Part II of my story.


Part II

Now we were well out of town. Missy suggested we stopped for a break after taking one look at Baltrep. He was red as a rose and very thirsty. I don’t blame him; he was a human after all. Humans tire faster than us Elves and Wizards. Missy and I agreed, it was time for a rest. We chose a nice shady spot under a grand elm tree and sat down.

Baltrep tore into his pack and found his rum. He drank one mug worth and then called it quits. He went down to the river to bathe, and Missy and I remained under the shadow of the elm tree, conversing amongst ourselves. “So,” I said, “You think it was smart to bring him along?” Missy bit a chunk off of her bread and then smirked. “Of course it was,” she said, “We’re all the perfect team; you’re the wisdom, I’m the brains, and he’s the brawn.”

I didn’t have as much wisdom as she thought I did. I was a very young wizard, only 35. Most wizards live to see 150 in these lands, and they have more wisdom than I. The younger you were, the less wisdom you had, and vice versa. I’ve met some really grand wizards in my years as a student in the wizard’s castle. I know many other young wizards from my training, which was good, because we may need their assistance later in our journey.

At this time, Baltrep returned from the river. He wore only his undergarments, which wasn’t a pleasant sight. He sat and conversed with Missy and I. “So, what’s our next stop?” he said, taking a bite out of an apple he had in his sack. “Well,” I said, “We may need to go into the forest a few miles ahead.” I said. The forest was thick with greenery, fruit, and of course, wild beasts. We needed to be careful.

As Baltrep got dressed Missy shot me a glance. I glanced back, not sure what her intentions were. I’m sure it was something about my plan to proceed into the forest. She must have known something that I didn’t. I’m sure that the look on her face was that of concern. Missy looked away when Baltrep bent down to whisper to me. “I think she’s upset about your plan, does she look worried to you?” “Yes,” I said, “I’ll ask her later, no need to worry.”

After Baltrep had announced he was ready, Missy and I began packing our leftovers into our sacks. It wasn’t a very big meal, I had about half of a loaf of my bread, and Missy only had a few bites. She must not have been hungry; elves can go days and days without food. Traveling only 5 miles or so wasn’t very tiring to her. We stood up and began walking again.

About halfway to our destination, I finally asked Missy the question I intended to ask her back at the elm. “Missy,” I whispered. She shot me another one of her glances. “You seem uneasy. Is something the matter?” She looked at the ground, then the sky, and then spoke. “The forest,” she murmured, “It’s a dangerous place. More dangerous than you think it is. I fear even Baltrep cannot contend with the beasts hidden within it.” Baltrep was far ahead, jumping around and talking to himself. He did not hear our concerning conversation.

We finally arrived at the forest. It was dark and gloomy, the shadows danced like gypsies. Baltrep stood tall and fearless, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was afraid. Missy looked concerned as well. I intended to show no fear. I thought that if I looked fearless, my companions would be inspired and become truly fearless as well.

Fear was absent in my eyes. I took a step towards the dark forest, and my gut told me to turn around. It begged and pleaded with me to just go back into town, buy myself a drink, and relax. But I couldn’t. I had to keep going forward. My innermost fears shrieked, but I ignored them. Baltrep and Missy followed me into the blackness. We were one step closer to our goal…


Part II End