This is me breaking down. Enjoy.

Hello all, this might be my las entry for a while, maybe forever. I can't cay much about it other then it's my life. Everything I write is the ruth and I hate to say it but the truth sucks.

My name is Katherine Elizabeth. My last name ins't important. I was born into a military family, whish means one of two things. My mom is fat and my dad is somewhat a dictator of my life. His word is law. But my gripes are not with him. Not with the city I live in or the places I've seen. Not that it's great to move around, it's just not the biggest problem in my life.

I'm going into 12th grade. I go to Fitch Senior High School. It's like a small prison is all honesty, favoring a caste system. It goes as such: There are the poor, like the trailer trash and ghetto living gansters. Then comes the moderately well to do. A middle class honestly, where most people are. Then finally a hierarchy of preppy citizens of Noank and such that have tons of money and no tact. I roll with the middle classers, though not often because I have found escape from high school drama.

Most of my friends have graduated. Many have jobs and are what you call "working class americans." Silly of me to think i would fit in with them. I am the minority of there group. The only female, 16 year old jew to be part of it all. I'm a walking joke for them but in return I have friendship. That is what a crave, all i honestly want.

In time, I have come to see that through these people, I have become quite the gamer. I LARP [live action roleplay] and enjoy playing magic the gathering and other not so well known things. I attend the parties they hold which are all fine and dandy until alcohol is consumed, then i am a blubbering mess of tears. I cry alot you see.

I have a chemical imbalance. I'm unstable with my emotions, and am territorial of males I spend time with. I tend to be irrational, ill informed and most of all, spiteful towards those who cross me. I've had my ups and I've had my downs.

My ups are my manic moments where I am giddy, and childish. I happen to enjoy these because atleast them I am not in tears. In these, i will inflict pan upon myself not really to hurt myself, but to calm down. To level out so to say.

My downs are more frequent. I become depressed, anxious and often get hurt at these times more then I would at any other. When depressed, I have been known to cut myself, cry myself into an exhausted state, act more irrational then usual and most of all, make enemies. Making friends is supposed to be easy, but making an enemy is like tying my shoes. All i do is speak truth and am hated.

My favorite part of all the problems is, I don't even know what i will say and do. I never have much control on what happens, nor would I want it I guess. I would hate to carry the blame of some of the mean and hurtful things i have been involved in.

People say I'm sweet, but all they see is the good side of me. The side that smiles and takes jokes like they're meant to be taken. But in the end, there is the part of me that hurts constantly. the part that seems to make me an outcast not by choice, but by necessity.

I hate it, as most do when in my state, yet i can't help but think it lets me think clearly. When I am beaten down to such a point I cry and cut then regain control, i think best. Like now, I am recovering from crying and guess what? I'm thinking clear as crystal. What am i thinking about?

Everything. I'm thinking about Spencer and how much i love him. I'm thinking about John and how much I love him. I'm thinking about Avaaro and how much I love him. I'm thinking about Mike and how much I love him.

I'm thinking about rain when it first salls, how lightly it comes and as it gets heavier, it becomes more then rain but a vertical monsoon. It becomes something that seems to embody all we live for. it's full of life, movement and prospects. it has a goal, even a dream. And as it moves, it grows in size and shape and texture and it's so like us.

I'm thinking about what it means to be happy. How maybe, after everything, you can move on. No matter how hard you're beaten, nor how far down, you can crawl back to your feet and just move on.

I'm thinking of you. Mostly you, and as you ask youself," Me?" I'm nodding to myself now. Yes you. Because in reading this, you are getting to know just a bit more about me. Which can be good and bad. Good because honestly, I don't have much importance in what is said to share with you. This means you can sleep easy after reading this. bad would be the fact you're still reading this. Heh, and I might ge boring from time to time.

Living in Connecticut seems to be the right thing. It feels right. Righter then other things i happen to do. So right, it can be wrong. I feel trapped in my current situation, and I honestly haven't found a way out. There is always suicide and my mind plays with the thought like a fiddler to a fiddle. It fits me, my thoughts, my problems.

But what good would my death be to anyone? Can I save lives or make them happier or even slightly more comfortable? No, I don't think so.

So let me break this down for you.

My name is Katherine. I'm Bi-Polar. I'm breaking down.

And you know when they say depression hurts? It numbs more then hurts. Like you feel like you've been wrapped in something hot and it's dark in your mind. And over time you slowly crawl out, but until you do, you are numbed to what goes on around you.

It's a sickness of the mind, and of the spirit. The body, they can say if they want, but the only physical pain I have gone through is what I have inflicted upon myself.

Which brings me back to that subject. people have asked me just why i did it and my response was always "To feel" Because like i said, the depression numbs you. And being numbed is like living in a bubble. It's scary, and lonesome and the quicker you relieve the tension, the sooner you can move on and buck up once more.

I know someone will read this and say something like "Stupid" Or "so emo" But trust me, it's far more indepth. It's layered like a large cake, and each one is a different variety of pain. One may be major, and the next less and the next even less. Finally it reaches the icing and it's basically nothing but smooth sailing. Only problem is, my cake was never layered. never even looked to after it's baking.

I wish I had someone to hold. Someone just to hold with me when it's dark in my mind and across the sky. And I wouldn't have to say a word, they'd just know.

Strangely, I have to admit to you all i have a strong fear of homosexual men. Why you ask? Well my last relationship was with someone I loved. yes, i loved him no matter what I say to him or others on it. No matter how much I try and keep it out of memory..I loved him with everything I had. But in the end, love was not enough. The spark went out and I became my moody, emo self again while he experimented with men. I found out, broke down and in the end, felt horrible.

Do I still love him? Ofcourse. Do I want him back? No.

No, cheating leaves a taint on people that just isn't something you can was off. Everytime I saw him, i could see bits and pieces of the event in my mind, surrounding me in what he did. Even now, I don't want to talk to him because it makes me ill to think about it.

So I moved on, regressed abit into this fantasy of life i live in where I'm alright and I'll be fine. And I took someone's word they wouldn't hurt me. they promised it would be alright and though against my best judgement, I agreed to what they asked.

Now tonight, i was betrayed and I feel numbed. Well, I did feel numb. Now I'm just hurt but clear headed..Breathing alright, just not sure if I really want to keep up the breathing. I have noone to go to at this hour of the morning, nor would I feel it necessary to do so. They wouldn't get me i don't think..

I guess i want someone to get me is all.

Now moving on to the weird, i knew it would happen. How you ask the paranoid teen? Oh, precognition. Now you may call me silly or slightly stupid but I know somethings before they happen. I know what people are really like without trying too hard to find out.

And as i've said, using this ability is a blessing and a curse. For one, I manipulate people. I bend them to my will, I make them adore me, then in the end, i have been known to throw them away when my needs were met.

I have seen someone's weakness and used it against them for reasons of blackmail many times and it's worked. Always infact did it work..

The only good part to this is, I can cushion a blow pretty easily. When I know something horrible will happen to me, I remember to stay neutral and ride it out. And tonight, I feel i did better then usual atleast. Though not great, I didn't cut or burn or hurt myself. I just got into bed, cried, then got back out to come write this. Silly me, I know but I can't sleep.

Now, I'm making up for the things I said in anger to others. To Spencer and to Mark and to many people I have hurt lately. If you are one of them, I cannot express how sorry i am for you. I just wish I knew more on this to do better with it.

My name is Katherine. I'm making amends with my sins the only way I know how to at 5 am. I am writing them out.

 

Katherine....

There's nothing really I can say that would make you feel better at the moment....unless I say things that may have already been said to others or myself. Its in my nature to be kind, wanting to help people out in pain. Sometimes, I just can't help it, wanting to care for others. There's not much people can do for you on the internet, you would need to take the action that is needed. I'm not saying you're stupid or silly, I'm saying you need to do things that wouldn't get you depressed and killing yourself won't solve anything like you said. In my head, the difference between those that can do things and those that can't really depend on how old and what you know. You said you are in 12th grade, once you get out of High School, you can move out and away from everything that is making you depressed inside. I know how it feels to be depressed because I've been through it, even though the cause is different, the affect is the same. I was able to relive some of the pressure inside me by writing because I love to write, it was the only thing keeping me going....from not leaving. If you decide to move out once you get out of High School, you can go get a good job, get an education, get married with someone you love and raise a family.....and maybe if you want, you could get some confort by asking a few of your friends to come with you.

Sins...they aren't sins, they're just different problems in your life that you need to set straight.

 

etc

Lance goes and hits the nail on the head.
dont be depressed, it helps nobody and nothing...