Psychology Why I'm missing part of my soul

Hello all you this os for the sane and insane, i hope you all can under stand i did this to understand my mind from other points, and way poeple whould see me as. Most of you know me and others dont for those who dont or would like to know more then keep reading for those that dont then you may leave...but i would like you to stay and read and tell me what you think.
Injoy your read and your mind.



I know im not a good person ive done some realky bad things in my life, some im proud of, others i wished i never did. but you can't trun back time, and ive learnd from my self the change i felt so many years ago was not as if you felt sick of any of that. i felt like a part of my soul and been riped from me...i dont think any of you could under stand what i felt till you have felt it. most of the family just blow me off the day was june 30 of 2000 4 days after my 11 birthday. i dont know what happend i was happy then all of a sudden i couldnt breath my chest hurt, i could not scream, or cry all i could do was lay on the grass.
so the pain past and i got up and a few days had past (on june 30th) when my step dad came and got me, and toke me to my greatgrandmothers house in oklcmongee (if thats how you spell it) and on my way there he said that my grandda had died. my heart broke i cried so long and so hard that even to this day my eyes still hurt me when i cry. me mum never let me go to my grandda's barrul wich hurt the most..then the family began to break up. my mum and her mum foght and grandmum said that me greatgandmum was to blame for his death.
atlest i had my love christan i had knowen him for my life i loved him deeply and he loved me the same, but it didnt last on july 26 as i was with my band a car dove by and yelled out " go back to your home you ni&@^r lover's" then three shots rang out. befor i could do a thing and move chris was infront of me holding me.....he toke the shots for me. he died in my arms, after that i was never the same. drugs were my friend and jack d. was my love. all most died...tried to kill my self but failed. hated god for what he did and hated my family for fighting.
i was in and out of the nut house in thunderbird bootcamp nothing helped....then one rainy night when i drank away my life and tears i stumbled in to a feild.i droped to my knees and looked up felt the cold rain run down my hot face. and i could have sworn i saw and felt both my grandda and chris holding me and teling me i would be ok and to be strong. and thats when the rain stoped and cloud dissaperd and there in the most beautiful thing i ever saw the moon full.
after that night i stoped drinking and got my life back to gather, now and then my past gets to me but i just hold my head up high and smile no matter what, even thow i am a wee bit crazy still i keep a look out for my friends like the were my own. thank you for reading this about my mind and whats happend in my life post what you like and if you need help with any hting im hear to help.


always in darkness
alexzandra

 

Wow, that was a moving story, Headstrong. Thanks for sharing.

 

Hm, certainly sounds like you've had your share of rough times, from what I can understand.

It would be a lot easier to for you to communicate it to us if you checked your spelling before you posted. Almost every word processer is equipped with a spell check function, and in fact if you use Internet Explorer to browse BJP, there's an option inthe upper right corner of the reply window. For us, the reader's sake, please use it?

 

That was rather sad. I was going to post one of mine a moment ago, but I changed my mind.

I know alot of people go through alot. I myself have had times where I couldn't take it anymore. Your story did move me in a way.

 

why i thank you guys for that and i was speed typing school was about over, i did have a hard time and after chris's death life just got harder. i dont mean to make any one pitty me just i need to get this off my mind and heart helps me fill a wee bit better. i plan on posting a few more but not a lot just some stuff thats happend and all the good stuff. but i do thank you and ill keep my spelling next times luv.
and if any yea need help with any thing im hear, till next time luvs.


always in darkness
alexzandra

 

It's almost ironic. I wrote an English paper today over how some humans can overcome the difficulties in their life and others can not. Headstrong, you looked your difficulties straight in the eye and took them head on, and for that, I salute you. It took courage, honesty with yourself, and above all, a strong will to live to do what you did. You should feel very proud of yourself, indeed you should.

 

thank you and i mean that deeply luv, ive had a lot of difficulties in my life and that was just a little bit of it there was a time when i didnt know if id ever be free and tomarrow im plaing on posting that story. i just like writing about it cuse it helps me get over it faster, most poeple would say im just looking for pitty but im not and i do realy mean it when i say thank you.

always in darkness
alexzandra

 

I'm sorry for your loss, and I apologize that all we can do for you here is provide our sympathy and keep you in our thoughts

We haven't said that you are looking for pity, if anything you need more time to grieve over your loss. It wasn't long ago for you, either. I would suggest looking for a bereavement group or getting a hold of a grief counsellor. Although the memory will never fade these people can help you to deal with what has happened.

 

i thank you for that but i dont think i can run from my sins any more, like tha time when i felt true pain for the last time, if you wish i would tell you others would like to know.

its was just a few months after they had put chris in to the earth, id gone to talk to him, tear poored down from my eyes. id lost someone for my own sin's a human i loved and cared for had died, that was to be me under the earth, having those earth worms eat away at my roting flesh....but no it was him i had rune yet another human life, for what my stupied pride.
looking up as the rain driped off my noise i felt it in the darkness, the one who had hurt me truned me in to the gang. thats when i felt the beats in side me come alive, that demon blood my trun father gave me, was alive. never had i felt this anger, balling my hand in to a fist and truned and walked to devan's car.( hes like my older bother now dead to) pulled out my cross bow and arrows, knife and short swored.i ran after him ran in to a forest(its was out in the middle of no wear he wonted to be out there liked it out there).
racing as fast as i could i fallowed him my heart burned with range and with something i never thought that i would think of doing.....murder. i wonted him and the others to pay for there crime i didnt care if i got in the cross fire i just wonted them to die. running to fast to see i lost him in the wood's my heart was raceing , but just as i trun to go north my ear got a sound to my right and be for i could do a thing the pain came. an arrow stuck aout from my right sholder, the pain was un barable. tears fell down my cheeks then it happend. the anger was out the demon in me toke over and i trun evil prue evil as the would say.
and i could not stop me out of no wear another arrow came and i hit it out of mid air. then more and i just ran to wear they wear coming to, and taht when i lost my insonces, i killed them, not care what happend i broke necks cut then stabed them tore them from lem to lem. i was not scared i didnt know what i was doing at the time till it was over. tehy lay there dead and i knew who they wear and who was there leader.

have to fin. later love you all

 

sorry for keeping you guys timewas up.


As i walked alone in the cold woods the sun was seating.....what you could see throw the rain clods, i was soked to the bone and didn' care the monster in me just wonted one thing.....blood. There was a time onces when i thought that i would just break that i would never make it with blood driping down my sholder, beat up face tore soul, there was the moment when i just felt like falling over and lying there. But i didnt the monster was still hot in my chest and buring to get them, and i came to the place and the killers my heart was raceing, and my breath fast.
Slowly i looked around and the found what i was looking for, the leader, kaine was his name he was about 27 years old, but why is he out hear waching like a dog would a house. Not careing i came from behinde him and asked him why he did it he told me that he was no longer the leader, then that when i knocked him out. Kicking down the door it was like in a moive sceen, i knew the moment for it was the last i was sane, the rain ran down my body bow in had knife's and swored on my side and back was arrows the darkness in my eyes, and the black clothes stuck to my body.
That's when i saw him......my best friend cody, he sat there with heather a girl knowen for doing many things wrong, just when i thought my heart could not break any more, the man i called brother the man i thought to be a allie walked out holding a gun that kill chirs, how do i know that gun was gold and silver that gun he heald was gold and silver. and like that every thing when black my life was over so why not take them out with me, pulling out a arrow i shot mt brother in the chest and whent fro heather but was to late she was up and gone, now it was time to take out his men, but sadly no one elsa joined in they all stood there looking......how would i say sad for me.
not careing i pulled up a knife and throw it strat for codys face rolling over it missing him barly. He gose for his swored as i pull mine out, and like a epic war like way we fought to the death, and befor he died i asked him why? why he did what he did this is what he said:
It was my job alexzandra you had to be taken out be for the evil in side you got out but looks like i failed there will be more, and you shall never sleep again for we aare every wear."
The cops came no one seemed to mind a few gang memebers dead and me, i was fear and my grandfather is a imortant police man, so they didnt do any thing.
but he was right, ive not been able to go any wear for fear of being hunted down and killedlike a wild animal, i cant sleep never realy could after that.


always in darkness
alex

 

My best friend of 8 years hung herself while I watched a movie about two years ago. Things change so fast..People do things that just seem so very unneeded. The world is just kinda bleak if you think about it. Like that old saying, "Life's a b!tch and then you die." It may be somewhat true.

BUT Thinking that that is true and just wasting away is never the answer. I enjoy the company of strong people, they seem to know just what needs to be done in a situation. So, maybe at this point in your life, you need to decide what type of person you are.

Will you be a strong one, ready to continue living, or a weak one who cripples under traumatic events and never moves on? I have faith that you will indeep pick the right choice. =)

 

your right and ive made the good choise ive truned my head up even thow im hert been dark for some time now, and soon the juding will happen and i know i will fail, but i wont go down with out a fight. as they say "givem hell and showem who's boss"
i mean my granda thought thats way he knew what i would become and he still helped me, you know me and you are the same when i lost it again and all most killed one of my friend my friend anna walked up to me and held me saing that she was so scared. scared of me but still loved me no matter what happend she just wonted me to be happy, bout four months ago she was killed, by someone tringto push me over again.....but ill stay strong for her and every one thats died for me.