Why let go? [R.I.P.]

I'm in shock.. More then shock, I can barely breathe. I just got off the phone, which I had just been thinking about putting on silent.. Then they called. They being my friend's parents; They being people who sounded broken and horribly hurt. They being Mr. and Mrs.' Erikson. So they call and my first thought is, he must be drunk again and out. He must be out and they're ofcourse calling me because they want to know if he's here with me.

So I pick up, and I answer in my tired and rather stoic tone, "He's not here, try andy's." Then I hear sobbing. Sobbing at my answer. So I ask what's wrong, try anf figure out how I could make mrs.Paula so upset and she replies in this crushed voice, "You should sit down."

Now, that was it for me. I hear her crying, I hear someone talking in the background and they sound like they're at their wits end; About to cry but to strong to do so in public.. So I tell her I'm sitting, praying to myself over and over and over that maybe he broke his leg or maybe he's passed out drunk and it's not fatal. No, It can't be fatal. I can't let it be fatal. Not for him, not for me.. I can't keep acting like I'm ok if he's not pretending with me.

She sighes, a deep sigh. A sigh that means that she's preparing for the worst. A sigh that indicates that not only is their trouble, but that it's deep. Deep hurt, and deep anger and deep in the way of trouble. So, I wait. I'm waiting and I'm stiff against the back of my chair, trying not to freak out. An accident, he was in an accident.

"He's gone."

Silence. Not a good silence like when you're waiting for a kiss, nor a mediocre awkward silence when there's nothing left to say. No, there was a whole world of words to be said then and I waited for them. Nothing. Nothing came from her as I waited for what seemed like forever until finally I ask as softly as she had replied, "How?"

She didn't reply for a moment, her husband and her talking before she came back to my broken reality and told me painkillers and alcohol. I was stunned, not by the fact he'd mixed the two but because of what she said after. Suddenly the words 'note' and 'suicide' were being spoken and I was choking back tears to try and soak up the information as best I could.

Suicide? No. Not him, not my dear friend. Not him, with his perfect smile and his honest eyes and his kind heart and his dry sense of humor. Not him, and all the memories of us together, just talking and laughing and being teenagers. Not him. He wouldn't dare leave me here, my partner in suicidal thoughts. The one I'd talk about it with when my mind started to beg for an end and my heart wouldn't let it. Not him. No.

So I said it aloud. No, no, no, no.. Over and over I was fighting the reality I'd been thrust into so late in the evening, almost begging not just her but myself to ignore the signs and tell me it was alright. Everything was alright. But it wasn't.

It isn't.

She went on to talk about the note, nothng fancy.. Just his chicken scratch on some loose paper explaining noone was to blame. Noone had to worry, he was gone. etc. etc. etc.

But I knew that wasn't true. My dear friend, I take the blame. I knew you felt this way when not another soul on earth did. I knew you were falling apart but I promised to keep your words private. A vow spoken a long time before when we were drunk and I was crying. You said if I promised to keep your secrets, you'd promise to keep mine. So now the secrets out and you, you did as you said you would. You kept mine.

But I couldn't keep you.

So I got off the phone with her.. I woke up my mom and dad. I cried. I cried hard for a few moments then I stumbled back in here and that was it. This is it. This is my story for tonight, nothing fictional but a small autobiography with a topic that seems unappropriate. School's tomorrow.. And you know what?

He won't been there to play with my bracelets before first period. Or there at lunch when I talk smack about the chicks who dress goth, laughing. He won't be at the bus to hug me goodbye or getting into his car that he had just learned to drive. He's gone.

Why let go? Why did he have to fucking let go?

 

All that you touch

All that you touch

All that you see

All that you taste

All you feel.

All that you love

All that you hate

All you distrust

All you save.

All that you give

All that you deal

All that you buy,

Beg, borrow or steal.

All you create

All you destroy

All that you do

All that you say.

All that you eat

And everyone you meet

All that you slight

And everyone you fight.

All that is now

All that is gone

All thats to come

And everything under the sun is in tune

But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.


~P.F. ; D.S.O.T.M.