Creative Writing Wise Guys

This here's a script I wrote a while ago and just dug up while scouring my hard drive. Do to the length, I'm going to have to span a few messages. What do you think?

[Lights: General wash]
[GURU sits centre stage, legs crossed in a yoga position, his eyes staring into the distance. The sound of a cold, mountain wind is heard, and snow falls from above. A backdrop of the tops of a mountain range is behind]

GURU: Pie iesu domine ...

[Enter CLIMBER, tired and panting]

GURU: ... dona eis requiem ...

[CLIMBER walks upstage and looks at GURU. He walks in front of him and stares right at him. GURU still keeps his gaze fixed]

GURU: Pie iesu domine ...

[CLIMBER waves at GURU in an attempt to get his attention. Unsuccessful, he walks back around and waits for the old man to finish meditating]

GURU: ... dona eis requiem ...

[CLIMBER looks at his watch impatiently]

GURU: ... Pie iesu domine ...

[CLIMBER clears throat]

GURU: ... dona eis requiem ...

[CLIMBER clears throat again, louder this time]

GURU: Patience, my son, is a virtue. Pie iesu domine ...

[CLIMBER stares, a blank expression on his face]

GURU: ... dona eis requiem ... Now, my son, we may speak.
CLIMBER [approaching GURU and kneeling reverently]: O great, wise master, I have journeyed far wide to reach this spot ...
GURU: As have I, my son, and many others before me.
CLIMBER: Master, I have travelled across the oceans get hear. I climbed this mountain to study under you.
GURU: You desire to study under me?
CLIMBER: Yes, master, that is what I said.

 

GURU: Then you should not have climbed up to my altitude. [pause] The wisdom I possess I have learned from years of meditation and personal reflection. Many others have travelled here before you, all seeking my guidance, but I have never accepted a pupil. [pause] The things I could teach a pupil are not for the weak of spirit. Never has there been a student prepared for my lessons. If unprepared, a student would surely lose his mind.
CLIMBER: Master, I assure you, I am ready. I’m not afraid.
GURU: Perhaps you should be. Is it not said that discretion is the better part of valor?
CLIMBER: Yes, but it is also said that the only thing to fear is fear itself.
GURU: I see, you are a learned man. But still, I must warn you that my lessons are not for the weak of mind, of body, or of spirit.
CLIMBER: I promise you, master, I am ready. What can I do to prove myself to you? I will attempt any test you set before me if you will accept me into your tutelage.
GURU [pausing, deep in thought]: Hmmm ... Perhaps a test would be a good thing. After you fail my challenge, will you accept that you are not ready to achieve wisdom and enlightenment?
CLIMBER [eagerly]: Yes, master, of course. I’ll do anything you say. Thank you for giving me this chance! I won’t disappoint you!
GURU: Calm yourself, my son. [he rises] I have only agreed to give you a chance, though against my tests, even a scholarly monk would fail.
CLIMBER: What did you have in mind? [aside] I know this type of thing. He’ll ask me some philosophical riddle, or tell me to grab a nut from his hand before he closes it, or maybe to catch a fly out of the air. I’ll show him just how prepared I am!
GURU: We will use this. [he holds up a coin]
CLIMBER: Do you want me to try to take that from your hands?
GURU: No, you desire lessons in wisdom, not thievery.
CLIMBER: Then what?
GURU: I will flip this coin. [prepares to flip the coin] Call it in the air. [he tosses the coin]
CLIMBER: Heads!
GURU [catching coin]: I am sorry, my son, but I tossed a coin.
CLIMBER [puzzled]: What? But you ... I mean I ...
GURU: Let this be your first lesson. You expected the coin to land on the heads side, and answered accordingly. But the true answer was, in fact, that it was a coin. Not heads, not tails. A coin. Nothing more.
CLIMBER: I see ... so my lesson is that I should not leave anything to chance! By answering heads or tails, I had a fifty percent chance of error, but by guessing “coin” I had to be right! I feel wiser already. [GURU does not answer] Does this mean you accept me as a pupil?
GURU [glancing again at coin, then putting it away]: It was, in fact, heads. Well, since you seem to have learned one lesson already, there would be no sense in sending you home now.
CLIMBER: So, what you’re saying is that wisdom is never leaving things unfinished? [Again, GURU does not answer] Please, master, continue.
GURU: Your next lesson will be a test of your endurance. Take off your shoes, and stand here [he points to a space next to him].
CLIMBER: I get it. [he begins untying his boots] By standing barefoot in a bank of snow, I will learn not to focus on the physical world. By focussing my thoughts on things other than the chills in my feet, I will learn the old mind-over-matter style of meditation. [he places his boots in front of GURU and stands in the snowbank, up to his ankles]
GURU [examining boots]: These are nice ... brand name, too. You no doubt spent a lot of money on these.
CLIMBER [shivering]: Y-y-y-yes ... m-m-m-m-my m-m-master ... d-d-d-designer ... b-b-b-boots.
GURU: Your lesson, then, is to cast off material possessions like this and to live in moderation, not excess.
CLIMBER: W-w-w-what? Y-you mean I d-d-didn’t have to st-st-stand in this snow?
GURU [looking at the snow bank]: Sorry, my son, had I known you would stand in the snow, I would not have given you this lesson.
CLIMBER [aside]: And here I expected meditation, and he gives me the “give to the poor” deal.
GURU: Well, put these back on. [he tosses the boots back to the CLIMBER, who hastily steps out of the snow and puts them on] Your next lesson ...
CLIMBER [aside]: Not as painful this time, I hope.
GURU: ... is to chant with me. This may sound basic, but it is essential.
CLIMBER [aside]: Ahh, this must be the meditation lesson. I totally didn’t see that last lesson coming. Maybe wisdom isn’t so obvious. [to GURU] I am ready, my master.
GURU: Very well, my son. We will use the basic chant, the Aum, to harmonize our minds. AUUUMMMM ...
CLIMBER: Ummmm ...
GURU: No, no, no. That is no way to harmonize. You must chant with more clarity. AUUUMMMM ...
CLIMBER: Like this? Auuummmm ...
GURU: Louder, my son. You must drown out all thoughts of the outside world. Chant outward so you may focus inward.
CLIMBER: Right. Chant out, focus in ... or something like that. AUUUMMMM ...
GURU: You are getting it. AUUUMMMM ...
CLIMBER [with GURU]: AUUUMMMM ... I think I get it. [louder] AUUUMMMM!
GURU: Not so loud, my son. You will cause an avalanche.
CLIMBER: Oh, sorry. I was too focussed, and I lost track of things like that.
GURU: Let this be another lesson, then. You must focus away from the world, but not too far away.
CLIMBER: Master, how far is “too far”?
GURU: If you have lost track, then you are focussed too far away.
CLIMBER [heaves an exasperated sigh. Aside]: This is getting ridiculous. [to GURU] Master, I have learned much from your teachings, but when will I finally achieve wisdom?
GURU: Patience is a virtue, my son. Do not lose sight of your goals in your anxiety.
CLIMBER: Yes, master.
GURU: Besides, I was just getting to that part. You have already come farther than most would have, but there is one last test before I teach you true wisdom.
CLIMBER: I am ready, my master.
GURU: Eagerness can be both an asset and a weakness. Remember that, my son. Now, as for your lesson, you must give me all of your trust, or you will surely fail.
CLIMBER: Master, you are the wisest man in the world. I trust you with every aspect of my being.

 

GURU: Good, good. Then close your eyes. [CLIMBER covers his eyes with his hands] Now, step over to me. Follow my voice. [CLIMBER takes a few steps forward, until he is stopped by GURU’s outstretched arms.] When I give the word, fall backwards, and I will catch you.
CLIMBER [aside]: This is it. Wisdom must be trust! Without trust, you can never be truly wise. [to GURU] Master, I must admit that when we began training, I had my doubts about your methods, but now that we are here at the end of our lessons, I see the insight of your techniques. Now that wisdom is about to be bestowed upon me, I admit that your somewhat ridiculous and odd methods ...
GURU: Now.
CLIMBER: ... are brilliant!

[CLIMBER falls backward, but GURU sidesteps. CLIMBER falls in the snow]

CLIMBER: What’d you do that for? You said you were going to catch me!
GURU: I was going to, because I thought I had made my point, but when you said that ...
CLIMBER: What? I said that you were wise and your training was brilliant.
GURU: That is what many say, but you believe so for a different reason. Perhaps my lessons were not as obvious as I had thought.
CLIMBER [rising, aggravated]: Master, until this point, I thought you were the wisest person on Earth. Now, you say after all these lessons, after teaching me all your wisdom, you say that I have not achieved wisdom yet. If I have learned all your wisdom, you must not be wise at all. You’re just a big fraud! You’re full of crap!
GURU: Calm yourself, my son ...
CLIMBER: I will not calm myself! You’ve made a fool of me for the last time! You make me stand in snow, you make me yell so loud I almost start an avalanche, and then you drop me into the snow again! I’ve had it with you! You can’t teach me wisdom! I’ll become wise on my own! [sarcastic] Goodbye, wise man! Or should I say “wise guy”!
GURU [applauding]: Congratulations, my son! Your lessons are complete!
CLIMBER [puzzled]: What? But after all I just said I ...
GURU: Exactly, my son! It is in what you just said. That I can’t teach you wisdom, and you have to learn it on your own. This is the last lesson I can teach you.
CLIMBER: I don’t get it ...
GURU: With each “lesson” I taught you, you made up your own meaning to whatever I told you to do. You were already deriving your wisdom from your own attitudes and expectations, not from me.
CLIMBER: So what are you saying?
GURU: Just what you already said. You just haven’t realized the moral that comes from your outburst. Let me explain. The real truth of wisdom is that it cannot be taught. Wisdom is knowing that you know nothing, and knowing that life’s greatest lessons are what cannot be taught, but must be learned on your own. It cannot be granted to you by an old man on a mountain, but must be discovered by yourself, as you have done, albeit with a little help.
CLIMBER [collapsing at GURU’s feet]: Master, I’m sorry I ever doubted you!
GURU: Rise, my son. [CLIMBER rises] It is I who should bow to you. You are the first person to ever reach the end of the training.
CLIMBER: This is quite an honour. But I have just one question before I leave you at last.
GURU: Anything, my son.
CLIMBER: If wisdom cannot be taught, where did you learn this fact?
GURU [chuckling]: Now, now, my son. If I told you that, then you would be the wise man!

[both laugh]
[fade to black]

Oi, that was longer than I remembered. I hope you had fun, assuming you actually read it all.