Humour Dear Alcohol,

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication Is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.


3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is Getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

 

Thus why I don't drink

That was pretty funny though. Did you come up with it or did you find it?

 

i got it from my friend sparky she's wild, i don't drink either but i found it funny.

 

if your friend drinks tell her just drink to injoy the flavor of the alcohol not to get drunk never fun an dmake sure she knows her limit on drinking

 

hehe, amusing.
although my friend alcohol doesn't give me hangovers so we are slowly working on making this a better relationship.

 

Dear Shoujo-Ai Girl,

Let me be the one who extends MY thanks to you in our exciting, yet quirky relationship. We've been through a lot together and I know we've had some great times. Remember last year, at the bar? Yeah, that was something else. That was honestly the first time I've ever seen anyone do that in public. We make quite the pair, I must admit.

Which is why I'm saddened at your lack of trust in our relationship. For as far back as you and I have known each other we've been through thick and thin. Who was there for you when all your aunts and uncles simply wouldn't shut their mouths? Who was there when your boss got you down? From the very beginning I've been doing nothing but sacrificing for you- it's YOU I've always been looking out for.

Now you want to place this great relationship that we have on the line because of a few things you're unhappy with? After all the good times we've been through? After all the broken hearts and long nights?

This saddens me a great deal.

I'll try to be mature one here. I'll answer your questions to the best of my ability if that's what it takes to restore the trust we once had.

1: Communication is VERY important. That's why I feel that sun up or sun down we do our best to share your feelings with others who NEED to know. Why put off till later what you can do now? Besides, later when I take my leave, you may not make those important calls.

Besides, they ARE your ex's, and if they have the guts to rip out your heart and smash it on the ground then they can put up with a few phone calls every once and a while to let them know how you feel. You and I always go over what we're going to tell them, but it seems like as soon as they pick up you go off and start chatting away about something else. It is a little embarrassing and I'm still trying to help keep you focused on what's important- Letting those bleary eyed louses know just how badly you feel about them ...for the eighth time!!

2: Eating is something that you should never take for granted! There are starving children all around the world who will never know the joys of the big bacon burrito with tamale sauce with an extra large side of Ranchero Style Tortilla Chips. You're acting real immature, and that's not very nice. Count your blessings and enjoy that Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, two Big Macs, a McFlurry, three sides of fries tipped in a gallon of catsup and 64oz of Diet Coke. Remember the starving Children in China. Be thankful.

THANKFUL!!

3: I'm not causing you to fall down, you are causing yourself to fall down. I've been the one fighting my hardest to over correct you when I think you're about to topple one way or another. If you would only listen to my guidance and wisdom you would have less bruises to worry about. Besides, when you step onto the dance floor at the club, it's me who gotten you all loosened up, turning you into a stylin' goddess out there. Why do you think so many guys come rolling up and start talking to you?

What, to get you to bed with them?!

Heck no! They want to know your secrets to all your crazy dance moves. That's ok, you can tell them I helped you out. I'll try and help everyone. Remember Duvall Worthington, that ratty little fellow in third period comp sci? The guy with the acne, dandruff, BO, Toe Jam, boils and Jock Itch? Well I've gotten him so many ladies he's become a regular little player.

If it can happen for him, it can happen for YOU!

Your ‘key’ problems are simply me trying to help you get into your house. I'm preparing you for when, in an emergency, you have to get into your house in a timely fashionable manner (i.e. you are being chased by Jason, Freddie, Werewolves, or the Children in the Corn). Instead of fumbling around with your keys in the dark you know just what to do because we've had so much practice together. I can't blindfold you, so I'll do the next best thing- disorient you. Trust me on this one, when you find yourself in a horror flick you'll thank me.

4: I don't have any say with the Hangover business. It's out of my hands. You'll have to talk with your liver. Remember, I'm the one who's making you happy. I have no effect on how miserable you are after I leave your system. I'll try and put in a good word with your liver the next time I drop on by, though. Why?

Because I'm your friend.


I'm glad that you feel the same way I do about our relationship. I'll try to do my best to look out for you in the future. I hope that I have answered your questions in a timely and efficient manner. You failed to mention which time zone you wanted me to reply by, but that's ok. It's five o'clock somewhere.


With the utmost sincerity and gratitude,

Alcohol

 

Oh my!!! You answered back wertitis

That was really good....I should have done that You're quite the clever one

 

nice one wert! i liked your reply more than the original sparky gave me.

 

Hehe, these things are always funny. Never been a drinker either. Tried it once or twice and didn't like it a bit. Stuff does weird things to me.

 

You'll like it when you're older, Rags.

On a side note, Wert posted a journal entry while drunk. If I can get a new microphone, I plan to actually get drunk and do an mp3 of it.

 

lol, nah i've gotten drunk a couple of times... never again.... i'm a little to... well i'm not myself drunk... i'm still nice but plz forgive me if i called you at two in the morning and hung up... i did that last time before i entered the navy and haven't touched it since. ^_^

 

Will I now? I'll let you know if it does happen and we can go drinking next time I'm up in your area.

 

Ah Alcohol, like all friends if you spend to much time with it then your going to get sick of it (or just plain sick).

Knowing your limits is essential, as you get older you really begin to realise that theres no point in getting hammered every night, i still drink every week (mostly Thursdays and Saturdays), but most of the time i don't get drunk, or i just get a little tipsy, which is fine by me.

 

alcohol is...wrong! hek* ;p

 

What is the shiny drink is in that glass, i want it!

 

That would be brilliant.

You've never had a mixed drink before? Ever had a Mudslide, or a Long Island Iced Tea? Ever had a White Russian or a Jaeger Bomb? How about a Flaming Cocaine Bomb, ever enjoyed one of those?

Mixed drinks are a whole other ballpark. I only drink straight shots when I'm- A: drinking with my co-workers, or B: I want to get trashed and fast.

Tell me you at least like Wine. I mean, come on. Wine is the nectar of the gods. It's not a drink you guzzle to get hosed off of, it's drink for you to sip and enjoy. Its taste, its smell, it's incomparable.


Mmm... Merlot. Ahhh, Chianti. Oooh, White Zinfandel.

Yum yum!

Thankee to all who complemented me. My ego is sufficiently inflated. ^^

~W

 

Wert, the last time I tried alcohol was wine at a Christmas party. As soon as I did I got a headache. And asking if I've tried anything else is like asking... I can't think up a good analogy. Anyway no. It just doesn't sit well with me, is all.

Besides that I have no real interest to try it. Doesn't really matter to me and I have more important things to do with my time and money.

 

Too much eggnog? Oh well. I, being 13, have never had a hangover. But I have sampled every alcoholic beverage around me. I've tried beer, wine, scotch (which my parents put on my binkey when I was teething) too eggnog and "special" chocolates.

So according to the law, I guess I've been drunk a lot.

 

Well, THAT explains it then.

...I didn't know eggnog had alcohol in it.

 

Yeah, we all said that once.