Saber Marionette Shinryu' First Fanfic!

Ragnarok's First Fanfic!

I'm sure that, normally, a thread like this would be put in the Creative Writing Forum, and feel free to move it if you wish, but, seeing as the subject matter is Saber Marionette J, I figured it would be seen more by it's target audience in this forum. Anyway, I'm more comfortable showing this to the people here than on... say, Fanfiction.net.

Here's the first page of my first ever fanfic.

This is an alternate version of Phase 22 of SMJ to X, occurring just after Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry get their memories back, but before Hess tries to trick them. It does start as a retelling of the episode, but after a short time, it branches off. Tell me what you think! I'm also open to suggestions for a title.


Lime, Cherry, Bloodberry, and Hanagata were talking in the courtyard of the Imperial Palace of Xi'an.

"Thank goodness!" Lime was relieved to hear that Otaru would be okay.
"So, he's all right?" Obviously, Cherry was relieved also.
"Yeah, he just has to eat well and get lots of rest, and he'll be fine." Hanagata informed them. He had changed since his days as a worthless, good-for-nothing boy. He had realized how important the girls were to Otaru, and he wasn't likely to belittle them anymore.
"Then I'll just have to go twist the head off a neighborhood chicken!" Cherry was shocked. How could Bloodberry say such a thing? She seemed to mean every word too!
"That crude dimension of your character didn't have to come back with your memory, Bloodberry." She scolded; hoping Bloodberry would realize how inappropriate it was to say that kind of thing in this situation.
"Absolutely." Hanagata agreed. While he never liked the girls all too much, Bloodberry was the one most often disagreeing with him, and the one most often sending him flying.
Lime interrupted his thoughts with "Ne, Hana-chan! Let's go to Otaru's room! I really, really want to thank him and catch up on a whole lot of things!"
"Maybe later, Lime. Otaru-sama is thinking hard about important things that concern us." Cherry figured he'd want some time to get his thoughts together first.
"Let's just wait until Otaru's ready, Lime."
'Good, Bloodberry understands too.' She thought after hearing this.
"Okay..." Lime was disappointed. She wanted to see Otaru now!


Meanwhile, Otaru was in his hospital bed, pondering over current circumstances.

'You have no right to see Bloodberry!' Akashi, the circus performer, said that to him not a week ago. Other occurrences came to his mind.
'Bloodberry is not just one third!' The Akashi of his mind accused.
'So, which one of us do you like the best?' Bloodberry had asked him.
Lime had once told him, 'I want to be your bride, Otaru!'
'How could I choose just one? I love Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry so much. How can I choose just one?' He screamed to the darkness of his mind. There was no response.
'It seems I have no choice. I can't simply say I love them all equally anymore. Too much has happened since then. They won't accept that anymore, and I shouldn't either. It's my turn to make a move.'

--------------------------

That night...


At the temple, all the children were sleeping soundly. Only Cherry was still awake. Thinking.

'I hope Otaru-sama chooses me. It will be alright even if he doesn't.' She looked down to see that Raven had clutched the hem of her kimono, and smiled. Raven had had crush on her, and probably still did. He had climbed a tree when she didn't let him make Okonomiyaki first. Now, she realized why. He had asked that question as a way of finding out which of the kids she liked the most. But she had let Kazu go first. In his mind, that meant she didn't like him. Cherry saw the similarity between her position then, and Otaru's now.


At the hospital...


Lime was sitting on the steps, thinking.

'I want Otaru to choose me. I want to become his bride.' Unlike Cherry, Lime hadn't been in a situation where she would have to choose someone. She wasn't sure what would happen if she wasn't chosen. But those thoughts were too heavy for her, and soon her eyelids were too. Lime fell asleep. The last thought to run through her mind was 'Good night, Otaru.'


At the circus, there was much going on. Everyone was up late, repairing the damage caused in the fight with Byakko, one of Yan Min's three marionettes. The girls had destroyed Byakko, along with Suzaku and Genbu, shortly after they got their memories back.

Bloodberry was thinking. But Akashi soon interrupted.
"What's up?" he asked her. Bloodberry knew that Akashi loved her, and she thought she loved him, but what about Otaru? Didn't she love Otaru? And where did Akashi fit in?
"I feel bad I put everyone through all this." She told him.
"Heh, you were so gentle and demure when you had amnesia. Now that your memory is back, you're totally different."
"Hey!" Was that an insult? A joke? What could he mean by that?
Akashi laughed. Obviously, it was a joke, but it was embarrassing!
"Are you going back to Japoness?" He asked her.
"Uhh... Can you give me some time?"

'Should I? Should I go back to Japoness? What if Otaru doesn't choose me? And even if he does, what about Akashi? He loves me, I know that. What should I do?' Living at the circus wouldn't be too bad, but she liked life back at home, with Otaru. And if she got him alone...

Finally, back at the palace...


Otaru was deep in thought.
'What should I do? I can't just say I love them all, but I do. I have to choose one, but I can't!'

The savior of Terra II began to think back. He began to remember all the times he had shared with the angels in his life.

He remembered awakening Lime. As soon, as she knew his name, she had jumped him, professing her love for him. But so much has happened since then. He'd been through so much. He'd awakened Cherry and Bloodberry. Cherry had saved them all by injuring Panther, even just moments after she had awakened. Bloodberry had done the same, fighting off all three of the Saber Dolls, again, moments after her awakening.

'Since then, so much has happened. Three years have passed. We stopped Faust from conquering Japoness.' There was the Marionette Contest at the start of the first New Year since he awakened them. Try as he might, he couldn't remember who won. But the whole thing was quite fun, and he was sure the girls enjoyed it too.

After Lime's Otome Kairo was stolen, he was terrified. He was so worried that he'd lost her, that he'd never see her smile again. 'Who would have thought Shihan was behind it? If we hadn't gotten there in time, she might have died.' Soemon Obichi had turned out to be the Gartlant officer, Rubens. He disappeared after that. 'I never saw him again. Come to think of it, Shihan had had a marionette also. He called her "Koyuki." But he only had the one, he didn't have to choose.' A single tear rolled down Otaru's cheek as he remembered one of the most heart-wrenching times of his life.

Finally, the girls had to sacrifice themselves to save Terra II and rescue Lorelei. Tears came, unchecked, as he remembered that painful time. 'I told them I'd hate them if they followed, and they did anyway. They wanted to make everyone happy. They wanted to help their friends.' Even after they snuck aboard the Japonesger, they kept trying to protect everyone. 'They sent me back to ground in an escape pod, and they tricked me into thinking it was a gun turret.'

He thought about the time they were gone. The time they spent in Lorelei's place. He had reminisced like this then, too. But never had he thought about which he loved the most.

 

Shinryu-san’s First Fanfic – reviews/comments

First and foremost, I loved it! You truly have a wonderful way of expressing girls and Otaru’s feelings and thoughts, Shinryu-san! In short, you did a very good job, especially since this is your first fanfic.

Personally, it doesn't matter to me where you will be posting your fanfic (as long as I will be able to read new installments, which I am eagerly waiting for), although posting your fanfic at fanfiction.net will likely attract more readers, and thus, more reviews/comments. And there is a great shortage for good SMJ fanfics at fanfiction.net.

 

Well, thank you. But this was the best part of it. When I was re-telling Phase 22. Now that it's moved on, I have to come up with and write everything myself. That's where it just flopped. I don't really like the part that comes next, but I'll stick it on to the end of this post when I can.

 

Your narration was very good!

Still there's a *tiny* little problem with the dialogues. Example:

He had realized how important the girls were to Otaru, and he wasn't likely to belittle them anymore.
"Then I'll just have to go twist the head off a neighborhood chicken!" Cherry was shocked.

OK for the dialogue we can GUESS that it was Bloodberry who said it. But it wasn't explicit. It would have been better to say:

Then Bloodberry shouted: "Then I'll just have to go twist the head off a neighborhood chicken!"

Or maybe...

"Then I'll just have to go twist the head off a neighborhood chicken!" shouted Bloodberry.

When you have a multiple people dialogue, it becomes very hard to guess who's saying what, so you need to make that explicit.

But aside from that, I liked the story very much! ^_^

 

Well, I thought that the sentence would make it pretty clear, because I wrote:

I was writing Cherry's reaction to Bloodberry's statement, following it with further proof of who said it. I didn't want to just have the story go "He said, She said, So-and-so said, and so on, because it makes it more tedious to read that way. If you check, you'll find it's very rare that I say "(name) said," and yet it's almost always clear who's speaking. And then, of course, that part is just where I'm retelling Phase 22, so if you've seen it, then you already know the dialogue.

But anyway, here's the next page, where the whole thing just flops. I removed a few sentences I didn't like, so it might not make as much sense as it did originally. But feedback is always good!



--------------------------

The next morning, Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry came to his room to see Otaru, and as they entered, each of them noticed the solemn look on his face.

He waited until they had all entered and sat down beside him. Then, he began to speak.

"Lime, Cherry, Bloodberry, I have something very important to tell you." He said, looking at each one of them in turn, as he said their names. They were silent, looking straight at him; waiting to hear what he said. Each of the girls wore an expression of worried hope.

"First of all, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for all that you've done for me, and all that we've been through together. You've given me such treasured memories. I will never forget that. I love you three. Unfortunately, it seems I have to choose one of you. It seems I have to love one of you more than the others."

"It's so hard though, to have to choose one of you after you've all been with me so long. I'm sure you understand. And I don't want to hurt any of you. I don't want to break your hearts. I will need some time to make up my mind, and decide who and how to tell you."

"I want each of you choose. Choose the life you want. If you want to come back to Japoness with me, then you are welcome. If you would prefer to remain here in Xi'an, so be it. I won't argue. I want you to be where you'll be happy. I don't want any of you to be sad. So take some time, and tell me where you'd rather stay."

"But..." The girls had been silent while Otaru spoke, however, with this development, Lime couldn't help but comment.

Otaru continued, "I know it seems like I'm putting the pressure on you instead of bearing it myself, but please understand this is the best way I can think of. As I said, I want you three to be happy. I don't want to force you to go someplace you would be unhappy. I will say this. Make your choice as though I did not choose you. If you change your mind after I make my choice, I won't argue. As I said, I want you to be happy."

"Let me just say how relieved I am that you are all okay. I was terrified that something had happened to you and that I'd never see any of you again. Even after I found you, when you had amnesia, I was so worried you'd never get your memories back, that our experiences together would be lost to you, that you'd never remember who I am or who you are. But you're okay. That fact alone makes me happier than I've been in some time."

 

Once again, a very good chapter, Shinryu-san!

Once again, a very good chapter, Shinryu-san! I am looking forward to reading more of this story of yours!

P.S. - to Matt-sama

Wouldn't it be better to keep comments to Shinryu-san's fanfcitional story in a separated thread? It would be easier to read the story this way, I am thinking.

 

And this is where I hit the fabled "writer's block." Running into that thing hurt! But seriously, I can't decide what to write next. Perhaps I'll come up with something soon, but it's not that likely. Oh well, as long as it doesn't stall as long as BMS's story.

 

I'm already in that boat. I've got 2 part time jobs eating away at my time, and having to fake cheerfulness at Safeway makes it hard to concentrate on anything. As for my other job, I've had it for awhile, and I know what to do, and I don't have to deal with customers, so it's almost relaxing, and it gives me time to think. My job at Safeway is the one that really messes up my thoughts. I rarely get more than 1 day a week off, and this week I didn't even get that. :dizzy2: But, I'm earning money, and that makes a difference.

Don't worry, I'm not planning on throwing in the towel yet, but I am finding it very difficult to write the next section. No matter what I think of, it just doesn't seem to fit. I'm sure you all know what that's like.

Next page coming... umm, maybe... 22205? No, but seriously, it will come before too awfully long.

 

And here's the next page! I figured I'd leave it at this cliffhanger for awhile, although, all of you should be able to guess where I'm going to go next.

I think this page could have turned out a bit better, but I've been delaying long enough. So, I'll leave you with it and a pair of links to some extremely well-written stories. I consider these authors worthy of praise, and strive to write stories as well as they do.

1. Love Cherry, written by "vsdefender."
2. Human, written by "The Dark Phoenix"

Anyway, here's the next page of my story:

------------------

Otaru and the girls finish their conversation and Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry return home.

--------------------------

That night...

--------------------------

At the hospital, Lime was thinking about what Otaru said.

"Otaru wants us to choose. He wants us to pick the life we want. But, what should I choose? I love helping people get better and helping them heal their injuries, and everyone seems to like me, but what about Otaru? I love him so much, how can I just leave him? I want to be with him, but I want to help everyone here too. What should I do?" Tears began to fall from Lime's face.

"Why does this hurt so much? Why does it have to be so hard to choose? A month ago, I would have chosen Otaru right away, but now..." She trailed off.

"My heart hurts..."

--------------------------

At the temple, the children had all gone to sleep, and Cherry was standing in the doorway, watching them. She thought about what Otaru had said.

"Otaru-sama..." She trailed off, deep in thought.

'So, I must choose? I must choose, as I chose before? But... how can I? I want to be with Otaru-sama, but I want to take care of these kids too. I hope I choose right. I don't want to disappoint him if he chooses me, and I choose to stay here. But if I go back to Japoness, all the children will be so unhappy, so disappointed. I don't want them to be sad.'

She whispered "What should I do?" into the darkness of the night.

--------------------------

And, outside the circus tent, in the darkness...

Bloodberry stood, thinking. Thinking about Otaru, about Akashi, about what Otaru had said. Akashi and the others left her alone, knowing she had a lot on her mind.

'I've got to choose, eh? Between Otaru and Akashi. Who should I choose? Akashi is definitely in love with me, but Otaru is too, and he woke me up. But, if Otaru doesn't choose me, than should I go with Akashi? I want to be with someone who cares about me. Wait, even if he doesn't choose me, I know Otaru cares about me. I know he loves me. But would he have me as his bride? Who should I choose?'

--------------------------

Finally, back in the Otaru's room.

Otaru looked over at Hanagata, who was sleeping in a chair next to his bed, snoring softly.

'Of course, I'm not going to pick Hanagata. I love Lime and them too much to even consider it, besides that, I'm not interested in men. But as for the girls, which should I choose? Who do I love the most? I hate having to choose. I wish I could just say I love them all, and I do, but I have to pick one, now. Who should it be?'

Otaru thought long and hard, and eventually came to a decision.

'I will choose...'

--------------------------

 

I like it Shinryu! You really understand the characters and their internal thoughs.
Although it's your first fanfic, you did a great job.

But look at Faust's dolls, they're with him whatever he does, hurting people, beeing a good boy, etc. So, the Otaru's marionettes' feelings never could be more than that. I'm saying that, their final decission would be to follow Otaru wherever he'd go. They can't do anything else, because of the maiden circuit programation.
ie. How could you love (daisuki) somebody that only has told you his/her name? Is sad, but the marionettes aren't totally independent beings, although they're alive to me.

Hmm... Otaru wouldn't say that, either think about it, but it doesn't matters.

 

Toward the end of J to X, though, the girls have developed a lot. They've grown, and changed, and become human in every way except physical. The girls, at that point have become independent beings. At that point they can feel emotions truly, and think outside of their programming. They truly have become real people.

Anyway, my time is short, so I'll leave now. If I think of anything else to say, I'll say it.

 

So, anyone care to guess what's going to happen next? I still have to write/post the next page, and I would like to hear where people think my story is going. Perhaps I'll get some ideas from it, or something.

Don't fret, Shinryu-sama, I'm sure you'll finish it soon. I think that it's an excellent story.


Well, with your support and advice, Cherry, how can I go wrong?

 

If you want to go to the funny way (as SMJ is), you could write something like a marionette contest where Lime, Cherry and Bloodberry could decide who stays with Otaru. Or, continue like the last chapter, in four different scenarios where each character discovers what they really want to do. Each scenario could a full chapter.

 

Joke Chapter! Do Not Take it Seriously!

Alright, jedimdo, you want humour, try this. But keep in mind that this is not the next chapter. It's still in the works. This joke chapter is also ridiculously short.

The next morning found Hanagata getting water for his "Otaru-kun." As soon as it did, morning pounced on him and tore him to shreds, and proceeded to wipe out half the population of Xi'an before afternoon came along and soundly trounced it.

Yes, it's dark humour, but there it is.

 

Sorry for not stopping by for quite some time, Shinryu-san, but I had business elsewhere. Anyway, I am here to remind you, that you are doing an excellent work with this story of yours, and your humble servant is eagerly waiting for the next instalment.

Sayonara.

 

Umm... humble servant? O...kay...

Anyway, as for the fic, I've hit a major stumbling point. Nothing I write sounds good! Besides that, I can't use the computer I was uploading chapters with anymore, so it'll be tough to get more up. :sad:

Besides that, I'm currently rewatching J, so I'm trying to get as much of J to X out of my mind until I get to rewatching it, and, unfortunately, that means putting this story, still unnamed, even, aside for now. Look for an update within the next month or so...

 

Alright, I cannot really hurry up the genius, I guess, so I cannot really do anything but wait.

And besides, I have a similar problem with my Saber Marionette J/Bubblegum Crisis crossover story – I know what I am going to write, but I cannot think of a good way to write it. And the only other option is to re-consider the entire storyline, starting from the third chapter…

Oh well, sayonara… No, wait!

P.S.

Have you considered posting your first fanfic at fanfiction.net? Not only more people will be able to read it, but they will be able to do so without having to skip the other people’s comments.

And now, sayonara. ^_^

 

I just wanted to let you all know that I took BRO-san's advice, and posted the fanfic on FF.net. Although there are no new chapters up there, I've done a small edit on it, and took out a line or two I didn't like.

Updates will still hit here first, and FF.net second, but I figured I'd let you all know.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2224655/1/

Shinryu - Still struggling with the malicious Writer's Block, who hasn't let him out of a full nelson in some time.

WB - Hey! You're not allowed to ask for help!

Shinryu - I wasn't! I was just informing them of the situation! : :sweat2:

WB - Yeah, right. We all know that was a thinly-veiled plea for ideas. Well, it won't work. I'll never let you break free.

Shinryu - We'll see. Oh, how we will see...